Body Incorporate (i)
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
I suppose it’s when you have a lover that you really get in touch with what it means to have a body. At least that’s how it was with me. And when I was giving birth I remember everything else in the world faded to insignificance. I do use my body for other things – typing at the keyboard, digging in the garden, writing on the whiteboard, painting furniture …. But lately I’ve felt a curious disconnection between me and my body.
This is not the first time I’ve experienced such dislocation. It’s a fairly common sensation for anyone who has suffered physical trauma. And for those familiar with falling dreams, these happen when one’s wandering spirit is pulled firmly back into the body.
When I sat down to start this piece, I pulled up one of the handy online dictionaries and checked out the entries for corporate / incorporate and corporeal / incorporeal. It was immediately clear that all of these terms now relate to law, economics and the industrial world. Now who was it, in my distant past that harped on continuously about how a person was so much less powerful than a corporation? And how when it comes to holding an entity responsible for its behaviour, and making an entity accountable for its actions, it is well nigh impossible to treat a corporation in quite the same way that one can treat an individual human being.
I can’t recall who this was, but it is in any case a tangential train of thought… perhaps if I keep writing, my original intent will merge with this, and maybe not.
It was during my most recent conversation with my current PD – the one I would like to take home with me and make part of my family – that I caught a glimmer of something that intrigued me anew, in my meanderings of trying to puzzle out the why simultaneously with the whens, the whats, the whos and the whiches. I had sent him an email with my fantasy-idealised version of how I would like things to go between us in terms of making babies. I said in my email that I felt I was asking to have my cake and eat it too. His response was that since it’s my body, I ought to be able to do what I wanted with it, and that it wasn’t anyone’s business to tell me otherwise.
Now when he said this, I felt a distinct Jonathan Livingstone Seagull sensation, as though I were pulled from one plane onto another. There was a Zing! or a Click! or a StingPZZT! Everything was draped with a freshness and clarity that masked the bleary ordinariness of the previous moment.
Talk of the rights to do with my body what I want to do with it have entered my world from two directions
(a) reproductive rights, which to me have always felt like the right to access free and safe abortion, and
(b) reclaim the night and the right to be safe from sexual harassment and assault. The right to bear children independently of all the heterosexual legal romantic nonsensical rigmarole is something different again. The freedom I experienced at that moment was a removal of the shroud of secrecy, shame and self-doubt that has coloured my efforts to have another child until now.
One of the things that have happened to me in the last couple of months is an opening up of conversations about my intentions. Naturally, the more I talk and share, the more possible my intentions become. I understand this dynamic intimately, though understanding it does not remove the barrier of fear that stops me from making use thereof!
I received a phone call recently from one of the presenters of Aqueerium, a radio program here in Adelaide. It promotes itself as a program which “celebrates GLBTIQ culture in Adelaide and promotes equality throughout all of Australia and the world” (website accessed 19/8/2007).
The presenter called me after receiving a letter I distributed through my email channels, which was an appeal to sperm producers of Adelaide to engage in conversations about sperm donation and the creation of family. She wanted to interview me about my journey to have another child. She thought this would be an appropriate and interesting subject to address in her next show. Was I interested? Yes I was.
She checked out that I consider myself part of Adelaide’s queer community – clearly from my (anonymous) letter there was no indication of my sexual or gender orientation other than I didn’t produce my own sperm – and proceeded to question me about my partner. I explained that I am single, whereupon her attitude towards me took an abrupt u-turn.
“Well, that puts a very different spin on the whole issue, doesn’t it,” she said (or something like that). “I’m not really sure that’s where I want to go with the topic. Can you give me a few hours to think it over, and I’ll get back to you with a definite yes or no.”
What were a few hours to me when a few minutes previously I’d never heard of the woman?
She decided it wasn’t somewhere she wanted to go and I found myself floundering for a while, flagellating protazoa-like but with definite overtones of self-punishment verging on self-harm. How pathetically vulnerable I am to the judgment of others!
I have Lesbian_Parents_Australia to thank once again for supporting and encouraging me to find my feet again. This is part of what I posted:
It feels like my motivations are being questioned, as though I am some seedy, shady character who would rather form relationships with children, than with my peers. Someone who uses my children as my social group, instead of socialising with adults. Someone who is slightly off, because she is single. Someone clearly unacceptable as a candidate for sperm donation.
Further clarity also arrived via Sonja Vivienne’s Family Values website, where she writes of herself that
“I’m single. I’m queer. I’m a mum. For most of my life I’ve tried to ‘fit’ and because I can blend into the wallpaper, I’ve managed pretty well… Now I’d like to have another child… For the first time in a long time I’ll be visible…
Why this is me to a ‘T’, except that I vacillate between an intense need to be invisible and a strident need to be acknowledged and recognised as lesbian, jewish, single mum.
Anything wrong with that?
(more later)
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
Brazil Nuts and Iranian Dates
Brazil Nuts and Iranian Dates
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
Well . . . after a two-month hiatus in blogging that I can scarcely begin to explain, I seem to have broken the habit and don't quite know what to say. A lot has been going on in my life, but that's nothing new. Maybe it all caught up with me and I was forced to deal, rather than just observe. I feel tired already, just thinking about it.
The last time I blogged was just prior to inviting yet another PD (prospective donor) to take a look at my blog. He is also a writer, and my thinking was to short-cut part of the getting-to-know-you ordeal. Alas, I have not heard from him since.
Perhaps what I have been experiencing is a little like culture shock. Or to put it more accurately, I am repeatedly experiencing mini-earthquakes. The aftershocks rock my world, forcing me further and further from my comfort zone. Is this all part of growing up, I wonder?
culture shock
n. disorientation and unhappiness caused by an inability to adapt to a culture which is different from one's own
(from The Macquarie Concise Dictionary, Third Edition)
... but I haven't been unhappy, and I have adapted to disorientation, disappointment and disillusion, by simply continuing to plant one foot in front of the other and keeping on keeping on.
I can at least elucidate on the title of this post!
Yesterday I had my 12-month fitness checkup at the University of South Australia. I have been taking part in a PhD program which is studying the effects of regular exercise on a sedentary population. To begin with 12 months ago, my fitness age was assessed as being in my 60s. This was terrifying! But I signed up, because they were offering me 40 days of free fitness classes three times per week. I knew this would be good for me. Since my dog died I had stopped going for walks. My joints were stiff, and I felt tired all the time. So after the inital 40 days, my fitness was monitored at 3 months, 6 months, and now 12 months.
The assessment is done after fasting, because as well as taking measurements of height, girth and skin folds, they look at blood glucose, cholesterol, lung function, reaction times, flexibility and heart rate during exercise.
So I was pretty hungry, when I arrived home after the assessment. Over 12 months I managed to lose about 2 kilograms, but gained a great deal more, including the confidence and motivation to exercise regularly.
I feasted on a handful of brazil nuts and pitted iranian dates, accompanied by my usual milky tea. Why is it that such simple foods taste so very good even after so short an abstinence?
Here is a short list of the culture shocks I am feeling just now.
- entering a world in which I am being paid substantially for the professional work I do
- spending a great deal of my time performing and being public
- learning how to mother young adults and build healthy family relationships upon this ever-changing lifescape
- listening to the tales of horror, atrocity and redemption that hover like spectral deathshrouds over the present lives of the students in my classes
- discovering at every moment how little I really understand about this world or any other
- trying to make my ideas and visions manifest in ways other than the written word
Although the idea of 'culture shock' may sound negative, I feel I am moving into an extraordinarily positive phase in my life. Opportunities for deep and abiding friendship, meaningful work and creativity are knocking on the doors and windows of my mind. I am overwhelmed by ideas and sensations, but I'm still grounded. It's a matter of recognising the choices as they present, and taking action when I so choose.
I feel blessed with good fortune. Funnily enough, I don't feel driven right now, to prosletyse. I am aware and I am communicating. Right here, right now, that is exactly where I am.
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
Well . . . after a two-month hiatus in blogging that I can scarcely begin to explain, I seem to have broken the habit and don't quite know what to say. A lot has been going on in my life, but that's nothing new. Maybe it all caught up with me and I was forced to deal, rather than just observe. I feel tired already, just thinking about it.
The last time I blogged was just prior to inviting yet another PD (prospective donor) to take a look at my blog. He is also a writer, and my thinking was to short-cut part of the getting-to-know-you ordeal. Alas, I have not heard from him since.
Perhaps what I have been experiencing is a little like culture shock. Or to put it more accurately, I am repeatedly experiencing mini-earthquakes. The aftershocks rock my world, forcing me further and further from my comfort zone. Is this all part of growing up, I wonder?
culture shock
n. disorientation and unhappiness caused by an inability to adapt to a culture which is different from one's own
(from The Macquarie Concise Dictionary, Third Edition)
... but I haven't been unhappy, and I have adapted to disorientation, disappointment and disillusion, by simply continuing to plant one foot in front of the other and keeping on keeping on.
I can at least elucidate on the title of this post!
Yesterday I had my 12-month fitness checkup at the University of South Australia. I have been taking part in a PhD program which is studying the effects of regular exercise on a sedentary population. To begin with 12 months ago, my fitness age was assessed as being in my 60s. This was terrifying! But I signed up, because they were offering me 40 days of free fitness classes three times per week. I knew this would be good for me. Since my dog died I had stopped going for walks. My joints were stiff, and I felt tired all the time. So after the inital 40 days, my fitness was monitored at 3 months, 6 months, and now 12 months.
The assessment is done after fasting, because as well as taking measurements of height, girth and skin folds, they look at blood glucose, cholesterol, lung function, reaction times, flexibility and heart rate during exercise.
So I was pretty hungry, when I arrived home after the assessment. Over 12 months I managed to lose about 2 kilograms, but gained a great deal more, including the confidence and motivation to exercise regularly.
I feasted on a handful of brazil nuts and pitted iranian dates, accompanied by my usual milky tea. Why is it that such simple foods taste so very good even after so short an abstinence?
Here is a short list of the culture shocks I am feeling just now.
- entering a world in which I am being paid substantially for the professional work I do
- spending a great deal of my time performing and being public
- learning how to mother young adults and build healthy family relationships upon this ever-changing lifescape
- listening to the tales of horror, atrocity and redemption that hover like spectral deathshrouds over the present lives of the students in my classes
- discovering at every moment how little I really understand about this world or any other
- trying to make my ideas and visions manifest in ways other than the written word
Although the idea of 'culture shock' may sound negative, I feel I am moving into an extraordinarily positive phase in my life. Opportunities for deep and abiding friendship, meaningful work and creativity are knocking on the doors and windows of my mind. I am overwhelmed by ideas and sensations, but I'm still grounded. It's a matter of recognising the choices as they present, and taking action when I so choose.
I feel blessed with good fortune. Funnily enough, I don't feel driven right now, to prosletyse. I am aware and I am communicating. Right here, right now, that is exactly where I am.
Friday, June 15, 2007
my propensity
my propensity
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
Last night at Shabbat, I was sitting at the table with my parents and my children, enjoying peppermint tea and brownies that were still warm from the oven, and deliciously gooey. I mentioned that I had finally found out what happened to the official complaint I had made against my boss in my job that I left six months ago. As I talked about the email exchange in which I was informed that the substance of my complaint was never adequately dealt with because by the time the complaint had reached a stage in the process where it could be raised and discussed, I was no longer an employee of the institution whose Staff Complaints Policy had made it possible for me to make the complaint in the first place, I noticed that my son was making faces, had become tense, and was trying to find a crack in the wall of my verbosity, to chisel his way into the conversation.
"Let me guess", he said cynically, "what you did next. You wrote a letter..."
We all laughed. I was desperate to know where this would go, and tried to get him to tell me, but the others wanted me to finish my story first.
So I told them that indeed I had written a letter to express my valid dissatisfaction with this outcome; that the union to which both I and the person I whose behaviour I had complained about belonged to had opened up this devious method whereby the behaviour would neither be dealt with nor acknowledged, and that I hoped in my new career path that despite the certainty that I will come face-to-face with my ex-boss, I will have the professional strength and integrity not to be victimised again.
I received with a promptness that beggars belief, a most indignant response to my letter from the person who had been originally assigned to deal with my complaint and who has concertedly ignored my every effort over the past six months to ascertain what was being done about it. She suggested I am insensitive and inconsiderate; unable to understand the bereavement she has been going through, and that I ought to respect the need to keep certain things confidential.
I really don't agree that keeping things confidential assists in making the world a better place. I don't agree that not telling me what was going on was the right thing to do. I don't agree that seeking the loophole serves any purpose other than maintaining a shaky status quo.
SO THERE!!!
Finally, I was able to return to the subject of my son's attitude toward my propensity for letter writing. He was simultaneously reluctant and eager to tie me to the post above the flames that were already licking the bare soles of my feet.
"Well," he began, with a brittle tone to his voice, "You know that letter you said you didn't write?"
(which one, asked myself in a silent whisper)
"The one about the cricket trip to Malaysia?"
(Phew - I guessed correctly.)
"Well, that's why I got dropped from the First 11s."
My son, my son. He is crushed, he is proud, he is angry and he is defeated. All this at once. How can he possibly achieve what he wants to with a mother like me?
I pressed for more information. Sure enough, his coach, who previously had talked to me about the very real possibility that my son would be made captain of the team, unceremoniously, with no explanation omitted my son's name from the list of players on the team.
NOW THAT'S JUST NOT CRICKET, IS IT?
It's very clearly my fault, and I feel very badly about it. Why should my son suffer for his mother's big mouth? Especially since the letter I wrote on behalf of myself and the scared, silent parents of players who also could not afford to fund their son's trip to Malaysia to play elite cricket had such a prophetic quality. In the end, I was the only parent who stuck my neck out and said I simply could not condone the proposal on the grounds that it was inequitable. Other parents took a passive approach, pretended to go along with the scheme until the very last minute, when they were honest about their inability to pay for the trip. Their sons are still on the team. Mine is not.
My propensity for letter writing gets me into trouble. It's ironic that when I write letters to promote and protect those close to me, sometimes they get shot down in my place. I don't seek martydom for them, or for myself. But I do seek to stand up and speak out when it's necessary.
So as badly as I feel, and as angry as I am at the petty and unprofessional behaviour of this cricket coach, I don't think I will write to him again. Next time I see him, I shall attempt to have a face-to-face discussion with him about what happened. After all, when I tried to raise my concerns in the meetings that were called about the proposal to send the team to Malaysia, I was dismissed as though I were simply being negative or stingy.
I plan to make a card this weekend, for the Human Resources person whom I offended so greatly this week. It's high time I got my paints out again. I can sense where she's at. She's hurting, grieving deeply, casting about for the source of her distress. Poor thing. It's never easy to lose one's life partner, and I feel bad to be causing her more grief at this time. I'm certain she feels guilty for not being in a position to manoeuvre my complaint through a process that would have led to a more satisfactory outcome.
I make an easy target. After all, I'm getting on with my life and therefore should not be dwelling on the unpleasantness that led to me to my distress eight months ago. It's natural for her to take this out on me. I forgive her.
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
Last night at Shabbat, I was sitting at the table with my parents and my children, enjoying peppermint tea and brownies that were still warm from the oven, and deliciously gooey. I mentioned that I had finally found out what happened to the official complaint I had made against my boss in my job that I left six months ago. As I talked about the email exchange in which I was informed that the substance of my complaint was never adequately dealt with because by the time the complaint had reached a stage in the process where it could be raised and discussed, I was no longer an employee of the institution whose Staff Complaints Policy had made it possible for me to make the complaint in the first place, I noticed that my son was making faces, had become tense, and was trying to find a crack in the wall of my verbosity, to chisel his way into the conversation.
"Let me guess", he said cynically, "what you did next. You wrote a letter..."
We all laughed. I was desperate to know where this would go, and tried to get him to tell me, but the others wanted me to finish my story first.
So I told them that indeed I had written a letter to express my valid dissatisfaction with this outcome; that the union to which both I and the person I whose behaviour I had complained about belonged to had opened up this devious method whereby the behaviour would neither be dealt with nor acknowledged, and that I hoped in my new career path that despite the certainty that I will come face-to-face with my ex-boss, I will have the professional strength and integrity not to be victimised again.
I received with a promptness that beggars belief, a most indignant response to my letter from the person who had been originally assigned to deal with my complaint and who has concertedly ignored my every effort over the past six months to ascertain what was being done about it. She suggested I am insensitive and inconsiderate; unable to understand the bereavement she has been going through, and that I ought to respect the need to keep certain things confidential.
I really don't agree that keeping things confidential assists in making the world a better place. I don't agree that not telling me what was going on was the right thing to do. I don't agree that seeking the loophole serves any purpose other than maintaining a shaky status quo.
SO THERE!!!
Finally, I was able to return to the subject of my son's attitude toward my propensity for letter writing. He was simultaneously reluctant and eager to tie me to the post above the flames that were already licking the bare soles of my feet.
"Well," he began, with a brittle tone to his voice, "You know that letter you said you didn't write?"
(which one, asked myself in a silent whisper)
"The one about the cricket trip to Malaysia?"
(Phew - I guessed correctly.)
"Well, that's why I got dropped from the First 11s."
My son, my son. He is crushed, he is proud, he is angry and he is defeated. All this at once. How can he possibly achieve what he wants to with a mother like me?
I pressed for more information. Sure enough, his coach, who previously had talked to me about the very real possibility that my son would be made captain of the team, unceremoniously, with no explanation omitted my son's name from the list of players on the team.
NOW THAT'S JUST NOT CRICKET, IS IT?
It's very clearly my fault, and I feel very badly about it. Why should my son suffer for his mother's big mouth? Especially since the letter I wrote on behalf of myself and the scared, silent parents of players who also could not afford to fund their son's trip to Malaysia to play elite cricket had such a prophetic quality. In the end, I was the only parent who stuck my neck out and said I simply could not condone the proposal on the grounds that it was inequitable. Other parents took a passive approach, pretended to go along with the scheme until the very last minute, when they were honest about their inability to pay for the trip. Their sons are still on the team. Mine is not.
My propensity for letter writing gets me into trouble. It's ironic that when I write letters to promote and protect those close to me, sometimes they get shot down in my place. I don't seek martydom for them, or for myself. But I do seek to stand up and speak out when it's necessary.
So as badly as I feel, and as angry as I am at the petty and unprofessional behaviour of this cricket coach, I don't think I will write to him again. Next time I see him, I shall attempt to have a face-to-face discussion with him about what happened. After all, when I tried to raise my concerns in the meetings that were called about the proposal to send the team to Malaysia, I was dismissed as though I were simply being negative or stingy.
I plan to make a card this weekend, for the Human Resources person whom I offended so greatly this week. It's high time I got my paints out again. I can sense where she's at. She's hurting, grieving deeply, casting about for the source of her distress. Poor thing. It's never easy to lose one's life partner, and I feel bad to be causing her more grief at this time. I'm certain she feels guilty for not being in a position to manoeuvre my complaint through a process that would have led to a more satisfactory outcome.
I make an easy target. After all, I'm getting on with my life and therefore should not be dwelling on the unpleasantness that led to me to my distress eight months ago. It's natural for her to take this out on me. I forgive her.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
the world of the computer nerd?
The world of the computer nerd?
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
Book review
Anne McCaffrey (1977)
Get off the Unicorn
Corgi Books
I discovered Anne McCaffrey in 1984, when we had just returned to Adelaide after several years of traipsing around the eastern states of Australia. I was an alienated, lonely and frustrated adolescent. The first book I read was Dragonsong (1976), and I was hooked. Sensing a glimmer of hope on the horizon of my teenage angst, my mother lovingly sought out second-hand copies of every McCaffrey novel she could possibly lay her hands on, and my treasure trove gradually expanded. Some of my original copies have been read so many times they have fallen to pieces. I return to them year by year, because reading them leaves me feeling comforted, protected, uplifted and inspired.
I am in awe of many people’s abilities to produce art that enables me to transcend the mundane nature of my everyday life. Songwriters, painters, sculptors and writers are such a special breed of human being. I find McCaffrey one of the best, for transporting me to worlds that feed my imagination.
I like happy endings, and I like stories of people who feel they could be real. I like to take journeys alongside characters who are stepping out of the comfort zones and embracing the possible, despite threats to their identities and their worlds. I like the idea that one person, or a small group of people can make choices that change their world for the better.
I’ve never seriously tried my hand at writing science fiction or fantasy, though it is one of my favourite genres to read. Navigating the everyday realities is challenge enough for me. I for one do not scoff at the ‘science’ component of science fiction, and am endlessly fascinated by the manifestations of scientific possibilities as they are presented by writers of this genre.
Since starting a blog last year, I have occasional moments of feeling naked, having exposed such intimate details of my small life to the whole wide world. I ask myself often whether the idea that someone else might take an interest in what I have to say is what impels me to continue with the blog, or whether it’s inherently satisfying for me to see my words in print no matter who my audience might be.
My musings along this line brought me back to a 1973 short story by McCaffrey “Dull Drums” (found in Get off the Unicorn, 1977). Not being of a scientific bent, I have not researched the research that McCaffrey undoubtedly did, in order to write this story. 1973 seems a long time ago for someone to be writing about a worldwide system of computers that allocated personal space for all of its citizens. Or does that make me naive?
The crux of this story seems to me to be a conflict between computer programmers who are perhaps less socially apt than their counterparts, whose interests lie within the realm of interpersonal relationships. The protagonist, Nora Fenn, has opted to study “CompSci” in order to fulfil her father’s plans for her, rather than choosing “socio-psych dynamics”, which would better suit her.
Nora’s aptitude for understanding other people is exposed when she inadvertently reveals the underlying purpose of the special course in which she has enrolled. She shows up her peers as being shallow, malicious adolescents who take pleasure in ridiculing the private worries and preoccupations of people now long-dead, as these were recorded in their private computer files.
McCaffrey’s point in this story is that people had learned to trust the sanctity of their privacy within an online world. The very fact that they ‘told’ their secrets to their computers proved their trust that they would neither be betrayed by the technology itself, nor by those who control this technology.
I am delighted by McCaffrey’s idea of a conflict between those who are technologically apt and the rest of us. I’ve witnessed many times, the confusion people face when attempting to get assistance from computer technicians who speak a completely different language that reflects their completely different world view, in which the needs and assumptions held as natural by those who require the assistance of computer technicians to make their dreams possible are not recognised or validated by those computer technicians.
Attempts to communicate across these diametrically opposing worldviews can be truly hilarious. This morning I spoke with a friend of mine who told of her grandson’s request for a ‘password’ in order to be able to climb a tree!
It is fascinating to consider why some human beings are able to navigate effortlessly within a realm that can seem so anti-human! Are their brains truly wired differently? Are they born that way? Why is there a group of people so easily designated both within the group and from the outside, as computer nerds?
It is also reassuring to realise that just lately, the term nerd has been transformed from overwhelmingly negative to one that carries just a little bit more respect for the abilities of those so-called. I suppose this speaks of our growing dependence on computers for our social needs and habits.
And in considering myself as a non-nerd who tries to embrace the technology that promises me so much even without demanding that I understand how it works, I wonder why my interactions with the internet have not taken the path posited by McCaffrey. Was it not reasonable to assume that we would fear the openness of the world wide web, and seek to control and limit our exposure by it? If we did view computer nerds as power-monger big-brother types of people to be feared, rather than as brilliant and harmless little boys whose capabilities we can’t quite bring ourselves to admire openly, maybe we would flee the world wide web with screams of terror?
My naivety makes me laugh out loud quite often. I’ll post something without due consideration of consequence, and dangerously assume there will be none. Maybe one day my candour will come back and bite me. I do hope that’s not a prediction though, because blogging is such a lot of fun.
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
Book review
Anne McCaffrey (1977)
Get off the Unicorn
Corgi Books
I discovered Anne McCaffrey in 1984, when we had just returned to Adelaide after several years of traipsing around the eastern states of Australia. I was an alienated, lonely and frustrated adolescent. The first book I read was Dragonsong (1976), and I was hooked. Sensing a glimmer of hope on the horizon of my teenage angst, my mother lovingly sought out second-hand copies of every McCaffrey novel she could possibly lay her hands on, and my treasure trove gradually expanded. Some of my original copies have been read so many times they have fallen to pieces. I return to them year by year, because reading them leaves me feeling comforted, protected, uplifted and inspired.
I am in awe of many people’s abilities to produce art that enables me to transcend the mundane nature of my everyday life. Songwriters, painters, sculptors and writers are such a special breed of human being. I find McCaffrey one of the best, for transporting me to worlds that feed my imagination.
I like happy endings, and I like stories of people who feel they could be real. I like to take journeys alongside characters who are stepping out of the comfort zones and embracing the possible, despite threats to their identities and their worlds. I like the idea that one person, or a small group of people can make choices that change their world for the better.
I’ve never seriously tried my hand at writing science fiction or fantasy, though it is one of my favourite genres to read. Navigating the everyday realities is challenge enough for me. I for one do not scoff at the ‘science’ component of science fiction, and am endlessly fascinated by the manifestations of scientific possibilities as they are presented by writers of this genre.
Since starting a blog last year, I have occasional moments of feeling naked, having exposed such intimate details of my small life to the whole wide world. I ask myself often whether the idea that someone else might take an interest in what I have to say is what impels me to continue with the blog, or whether it’s inherently satisfying for me to see my words in print no matter who my audience might be.
My musings along this line brought me back to a 1973 short story by McCaffrey “Dull Drums” (found in Get off the Unicorn, 1977). Not being of a scientific bent, I have not researched the research that McCaffrey undoubtedly did, in order to write this story. 1973 seems a long time ago for someone to be writing about a worldwide system of computers that allocated personal space for all of its citizens. Or does that make me naive?
The crux of this story seems to me to be a conflict between computer programmers who are perhaps less socially apt than their counterparts, whose interests lie within the realm of interpersonal relationships. The protagonist, Nora Fenn, has opted to study “CompSci” in order to fulfil her father’s plans for her, rather than choosing “socio-psych dynamics”, which would better suit her.
Nora’s aptitude for understanding other people is exposed when she inadvertently reveals the underlying purpose of the special course in which she has enrolled. She shows up her peers as being shallow, malicious adolescents who take pleasure in ridiculing the private worries and preoccupations of people now long-dead, as these were recorded in their private computer files.
McCaffrey’s point in this story is that people had learned to trust the sanctity of their privacy within an online world. The very fact that they ‘told’ their secrets to their computers proved their trust that they would neither be betrayed by the technology itself, nor by those who control this technology.
I am delighted by McCaffrey’s idea of a conflict between those who are technologically apt and the rest of us. I’ve witnessed many times, the confusion people face when attempting to get assistance from computer technicians who speak a completely different language that reflects their completely different world view, in which the needs and assumptions held as natural by those who require the assistance of computer technicians to make their dreams possible are not recognised or validated by those computer technicians.
Attempts to communicate across these diametrically opposing worldviews can be truly hilarious. This morning I spoke with a friend of mine who told of her grandson’s request for a ‘password’ in order to be able to climb a tree!
It is fascinating to consider why some human beings are able to navigate effortlessly within a realm that can seem so anti-human! Are their brains truly wired differently? Are they born that way? Why is there a group of people so easily designated both within the group and from the outside, as computer nerds?
It is also reassuring to realise that just lately, the term nerd has been transformed from overwhelmingly negative to one that carries just a little bit more respect for the abilities of those so-called. I suppose this speaks of our growing dependence on computers for our social needs and habits.
And in considering myself as a non-nerd who tries to embrace the technology that promises me so much even without demanding that I understand how it works, I wonder why my interactions with the internet have not taken the path posited by McCaffrey. Was it not reasonable to assume that we would fear the openness of the world wide web, and seek to control and limit our exposure by it? If we did view computer nerds as power-monger big-brother types of people to be feared, rather than as brilliant and harmless little boys whose capabilities we can’t quite bring ourselves to admire openly, maybe we would flee the world wide web with screams of terror?
My naivety makes me laugh out loud quite often. I’ll post something without due consideration of consequence, and dangerously assume there will be none. Maybe one day my candour will come back and bite me. I do hope that’s not a prediction though, because blogging is such a lot of fun.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Sperm Donor Adventures: the eighth installment
Sperm Donor Adventures: the eighth installment
The Am I or Aren't I Saga
(c) Melina Magdalena (2007)
Thursday 4 April 2007
Hi Melina and everyone,
Wow, I'm so excited that you may/will be trying in about 7 days. I have felt like I have been on a rollercoaster with you just getting to this point, but I lost track of the story here and there. But I'm glad everything is back on track.
L
Wow Melina, I always feel like i have missed a post with you, things change so quick or do they??? iam always a bit lost with you lol, well goodluck another dream starting its journey. Are you just doing one insemination or a few in that 14 hours????
Fingerscrossed
LL
Hi Melina,
L and I wish you lots of and lots of luck :)
I hope you all had a good Easter and that you'll have fertile and
happy rest of the week!
Lots of love,
D
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Friday 13 April 2007
My whirlwind trip to Sydney on Wednesday was interesting. The donor was really gentle and respectful, because OMG what an awkward situation - he'd obviously developed his own way of communicating the stuff, though this was a first for me. We used mobile phones to 'prank' one another at crucial stages, and went for walks on our own around the neighbourhood while the other was doing his/her thing. It makes me smile, because even here on line I find it hard to articulate any of this.
And anyway I have no feeling either way whether it worked. No desire to run for the wee sticks or count the days. It is all somewhat surreal. Although the day itself was magical. It is amazing to be able to see the sun rise and the sun set and travel across the continent and feel so present, so together, so here and so 'this is right'. Very nice.
Melina
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Saturday 14 April 2007
Hello everyone.. and Melina..
Hey brave grrl.. you did it!! ..you're no longer a bystander .. you jumped and you're free falling.. enjoy the journey.. we're here with ya..
M & R
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Sunday 15 April 2007
More pleasant stuff; congrats Melina on the insemination! ! Am sending fertile thoughts to you.
N
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Monday 16 April 2007
Wow! Congratulations. Easy as that .... I'm inspired!
Melina
Hi everyone...
Just thought we would drop in to keep you updated!
We weren’t going to post until when we had got the definite from the Dr but … I have not yet got my period and it is due!!! We ended up doing 2 pregnancy tests and both have come back with a faint double line!! Me being the sceptical person that I am I have not let myself believe that it is positive, and I will not until I have been to the Dr to have the blood test!
L and D I’m sorry to hear the news. But stay positive and I’m sure it will happen soon. We are thinking of you both.
K & L
Dear D,
I'm sorry to hear your news, and wish you better luck next time. Don't give up! And I hope the period pain clears quickly. I always imagine that this pain is a reminder from my body to me that it wants to grow a baby, so maybe yours is getting some extra practice in preparation for June.
Best wishes,
Melina
Hi everyone,
I took a first response test on Friday (two days before my period was due) and it was negative so I wasn't that surprised when I got my period today. I've been left feeling reflective and glad that at least the 'waiting to know' part is over. - Though of course it would have been better if it had ended with a positive and not a negative.
It does seem cruel that I get my period, which is disappointment enough, but I've also had terrible period pain (talk about adding insult to injury!)
Lots of love,
D
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Thursday 19 April 2007
Hello Everyone,
I'm feeling rather foolish at the moment, but not in a bad way. I'm trying to stop my feelings, because I know I could be left as devastated as any of you if I get the news that I didn't conceive. Not easy, is it?! I can now totally relate to some of people's comments about the assumption that because lesbians go about the conception process with such deliberation, (as opposed to heterosex blind chance:), I fully expect to have conceived on the first go. Which I know in my head is unlikely. But how does one stop those feelings even when one knows that they are likely to leave one feeling worse in the end, and not better? And then on the other hand I am so susceptible to seeing signs in everything that it's so easy to build up my hopes. So it's the old heartstrings and gut instinct versus the head logic I guess. And nothing to do but wait and hope.
Melina
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Friday 20 April 2007
thanks M .... my backache is probably from the gym .... and if not well there's always next month ....
Melina
hey Melina.. hugs.. it’s an anxious time .. waiting.. breathe.. :) m
Hi R,
I feel a bit weird actually. Wonder whether I conceived and miscarried? Too early to know really. Will have to wait another week or so before knowing whether my period comes as usual.
happy weekend,
Melina
Hi C and K,
Good luck from me, too.
I'd forgotten the smell of semen when I did the insemination. Nearly made me gag. At least there are two of you so you can laugh over things like that!
Melina
Hi C & K,
I nearly missed that you had just done an insemination. Finger's crossed for you. You're using a known donor aren't you? That's really good because I think there's a better chance with non-thawed sperm!
Good luck!
D
Hi there K,
wonderful news! hope it keeps going so smoothly. isn't time a strange thing - can it really be 4 weeks already?
Melina
Hi everyone,
Just thought I'd drop in to let you know that we went to the Dr today and he gave us the thumbs up... yes we are pregnant! Oh and Melina... all the best! We have our fingers crossed for you!
K
Hello Everyone,
I really didn't mean to get you down with my posts about gender and fathers and stuff. Sorry about that. It's a fraught issue with me.
This week I read a new book about autism. Having a child with autism is something I've been scared of for a while. I think I'm just gaining some perspective today about the fact that none of us are perfect; we all have our quirks; we all have things to deal with, things to learn and things to teach. I think I'm getting back in touch with what it is to love.
So I do feel inspired and I believe it's a sign that I found you when I did. I also believe it's a sign that I didn't get my period when I didn't, because it caused me to rethink the donor situation. And I will continue to direct loving, protective thoughts to my tummy - I like what you said M, about living in this bubble of possibility. It is DELISH!!
Melina
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Saturday 21 April 2007
Hi
Reading this thread has brought back more than a few revolting memories!! I know at the clinic when we had AI they would give me a sanitary pad to wear after the insemination. I could always smell the sperm smell and would end up getting home and having to shower and remove the panty liner with gloves!! It amazed me how my friends (het) would talk about having sex just before going to work..... I couldn't bear sitting around all day without showering!!!
E
Hey
All the best guys fingers crossed. Now I have to say it does smell doesn’t it, on my first insemination I vomited about 4 times I was in the art gallery and had to run to the toilet,
everything just smelt of it. I had to do draw it up as quick as possible and hold it away and kinda hold my breath. Ha hah I hope no one has a weak stomach, I just had to comment because I thought something was wrong with me, or maybe I just was so not attracted to guys I found the smell really off. lol
L L
Hi everyone
Yes, you're right Melina, we can laugh about it. Last night, K had a running commentary going as she set it all up: "Ooh there's a lot of it tonight, Ack, it's really smelly And quite goobly"
And that's when I said "Ok, that's enough information! " [:o]
When can you test Melina?
Hi there everyone,
I feel vindicated. At least, given all your success stories with using donated sperm, my aversion to semen can't be viewed as a reason that might prevent conception and pregnancy!
Melina
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Tuesday 24 April 2007
Hi Everyone,
I'm scared about being pregnant in front of my adult students. How silly is that? I don't know whether I'd ever feel comfortable coming out to them as a lesbian. As a single mother yes - I am already and they know I've been married and divorced. So this is an impending challenge, as since it's not my first baby I won't be invisibly pregnant until 5 weeks before its birth, (as I was with my first!)
Melina
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Wednesday 25 April 2007
Hi,
Feeling definitely premenstrual - due tomorrow. If no period I'll do a pregnancy test on Friday. Have noticed a pronounced sensitivity to smells, am worried constantly about toxins, am tired, and slightly queasy much of the time. Never got morning sickness with prior pregnancies, but this may also be because I was out of touch with my body sensations. Anyway, just wanted to share this with someone.
Melina
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Thursday 26 April 2007
Hi Melina,
I wish you sooo much luck and hope that darn period stays away :)
Love,
D
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Friday 27 April 2007
Hello all, no pregnancy, no period, I think I must be infertile save for my very fertile imagination.
oh well
ho hum
Melina
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Saturday 28 April 2007
Hi everyone who has reassured me that maybe I shouldn't decide on the basis of one failed insemination that I must be infertile! lol I really appreciate your messages.
I've decided my cycles must be erratic. I've started a new plan to take my temperature every morning and test for ovulation every day. On the other hand, I was so sure I had conceived that I'm not 100% about having mistimed the last insemination. But still no period which could mean (a) no ovulation this cycle or (b) longer cycle this time around. Which makes me think I could be ovulating any day now. But my donor lives in Sydney, so if I happen to be ovulating, I might have to fall back on the phantom plan of propositioning the good-looking Greek guy in the mobile phone store for some sperm and taking a chance he's as healthy as he looks (it's a phantasy people not a plan of action!).
It does feel better to have a plan I can start on.
thanks again,
Melina
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Sunday 29 April 2007
Hello
Sorry for my obsession with this, but I have nowhere else to express my anxieties or exhilarations. Tedious for readers perhaps ... ?
Still no period. I talked to my sister yesterday and did another pregnancy test today. The box I bought said it had 3, but seems to have 5. My sister recommends that if I'm not pregnant I should see a herbalist and get some herbs to regulate my cycle. One she mentioned is Chaste Tree, which apparently was used by monks in an effort to curb their libido. It has the opposite effect on women in terms of maintaining and promoting fertility. :)
I'm trying not to be anxious. But I feel a little down. So I googled "Late confirmation of pregnancy". I was wondering
a) maybe my body doesn't produce enough of the hormone to be detectable or
b) maybe I'm just not pregnant?
And I found a link.
I read through the information which discounts the claim on home pregnancy tests that they are 99% accurate 2-5 days before the missed period. It says that the levels of the pregnancy hormone are OFTEN undetectable before a week after a missed period.
Of course now that I have found some reason for renewed hope (which is admittedly a better possible prognosis than peri menopause at 37 years of age), I'll probably relax enough to let my body begin to menstruate.
Or maybe not.
I won't be holding my breath.
Melina
Hello everyone.. and Melina
..you poor chook.. i know what that is like.. wanting something really badly.. and not being sure if your judgement is off cos you really really want it to be the case....and you are there on your own.. ok..
..some clarity q's..
- is your period usually regular.. ?? Y/N
(weren’t you charting your cycle b4 you finally inseminated. . i seem to recall)
-what date did you calculate that your period was due ??
..you know.. some clinics don’t rely on home pregnancy tests at all.. I have a work mate who is the same no. of weeks as our L.. and she was told to wait till she missed a period and then book in for a test..
-its pointless at this point to ask you do you have any signs.. cos your head is in a spin... again.. i so know that feeling.. (not now anymore.. but I've been there)..
hugs.. M
Thanks so for your responses (glad you're online!)...
I just went for a big walk in this lovely lovely rain and feel somewhat better. I don't do inactivity well at all. Anyway, I realised it's not so much a case of wishful thinking (though if I did turn out to be pregnant and the baby was healthy what a bonus that would be!). I keep thinking of Mel in "Queer As Folk" who inseminated once and kept getting negative pregnancy tests but kept on keeping on until the test confirmed what she knew. So not so much wishful thinking as I wish SOMETHING would happen to let me know either way, because then I could keep going. I feel like I'm spinning in space, unable to break the inertia. So I'll continue to take my vitamins and minerals; I'll continue to chart my cycle (mucous, temp etc.) and see where the journey takes me next.
Melina
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Monday 30 April 2007
Hi Melina,
There is nothing worse than being in the limbo, you just need to know, so you can either jump with joy and continue with the knowledge of a confirmed pregnancy or allow your self to grieve for a moment with the knowledge of a confirmed non pregnancy. Anything else is just plain torture.
I had a false negative pregnancy test with S but I have also had many negatives with lots of symptoms and late period.
I once read women have a lot more miscarriages than are report because often they happen so early that they are a period. So I have a sneaky suspicion that many of use have tiny two minute pregnancies just don't continue but give us late periods, so not all of it is in our heads although probably most of the time it is.
I hope you get a confirmation of a beautifully healthy baby.
And also if you need to or haven't done so already, you could go to the local doctor and say that your trying to get pregnant and you want some tests done for iron levels and also a blood test (sorry don't know what its called) that tells you whether your ovulating, I think its done on day 25 or something. Or any test that the Dr recommends giving you some better ideas. It just might be a cost efficient way to get some basic tests done. Iron levels are extremely important, if your iron levels are low, you body will not allow a pregnancy.
I don't think you have fertility problems and yes you do have a fertile imagination. My prognosis is "all or nothing thinking". ie, If First time pregnancy attempt doesn't work, your mind goes straight to early menopause : )
Hoping it all turns out well
L
Thank you lovely,
I can see you know exactly where I'm at, at the moment, and have been there... What you say about tiny two-minute pregnancies is something I can sense as well. What I don't quite understand is the mechanics of how that translates to a later period. I think I shall get myself checked out medically and herbally. It can't hurt!
Melina
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Friday 4 May 2007
Hi
You asked about my state of play - I appreciate that, as I've been lying low and sometimes feel somewhat invisible on here! I told myself I wouldn't test again for a week, so that was today. And after dreaming vivid dreams of two thin pink lines, there was still only one, so I really am not pregnant unless the tests themselves are faulty!
I was all set after the negative test this morning to call the doctor and get a blood test instead, but then I looked back at my charting and discovered that although my cycles from October to March were regular 26-day cycles, my March-April cycle was 35 days. I'm now on day 34, still no period, so I'll wait for it tomorrow.
As for how I feel - I really did feel pregnant for about a week. And maybe I was and lost the baby/foetus/possibility. Lately, I haven't felt quite the same. I like the idea of being pregnant, but I'm not nauseous at all and have no other symptoms.
If my period doesn't come soon, I will go to the doctor.
In the meantime, here is my vitamin regime (I'm so glad I don't have to take all those medications, but it would be ironic if I got diagnosed with something like PCOS and ended up on them. I can't imagine much worse than that...)
MORNING 2 x Blackmores pregnancy and breastfeeding, 2 x 500mg Vitamin E, 2 x Super Vitamin C / EVENING 2 x Caltrate Plus, 1 x Zinc+B6, 2 x Super Vitamin C
The changing cycle stuff could be, I suppose, a reaction to this newish regime (I'm paying more attention to in than previously when it was a little sporadic). The first missed period was last year during my fitness program, and I thought it was triggered by increased activity.
By the way, all this so called fitness and I haven't lost an ounce of weight. Yes, I'm sure I still eat too much, but I do feel far fitter and healthier for it. Sadly, thought, I haven't managed to go to the gym once this week!
Enough information.
Melina
Hello Lovelies …
,,, Melina you’re an amazing woman, and an awesome writer, and one day some very smart woman is going to come along and snap you up! But it’s so great to be happy on your own, because then when a relation ship comes, it’s a bonus.
So much more I could say. Lots of emotions these last few days – hopes and fears and disappointments, deep sadness and even deeper joys. Goddess blessings to all, for fertility, for relationships, for satisfaction and fulfilment, courage for the journey, rest for the weary, and hears ease for the grieving. You’re all awesome women, and it’s a privilege to share the journey with you all.
Much love,
S
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Saturday 5 May 2007
Hey chickens,
Sorry I haven’t been able to reply as much either, as M said, it’s one of those times for me … but I am still reading every post and thinking of you all … especially you Melina … you are very present here my sweets ….
hey guys I just wanted to say hi, I am reading the posts but not replying, you are all in my thought and Melina a big hug to you girl xo
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Good morning, I have no time to write today, but wanted you to know how much your messages mean to me - thank you. here I go....hope you all have a good one... I'll check in later...
(still no period, and I believe I may be pregnant)
Melina
Sunday 6 May 2007
Hello everyone.. and Melina...
..ok Ms Muffin.. you cant just sign off with "believe i may be pregnant" .. please explain :)
M
...w...e...l...l...
a few things made me sign off that way.
:-)
1) If I commit either way the opposite will happen (magical thinking)
2) Thinking about the PCOS and arthritis discussions, I realised I'm able to tolerate bread, which is something I don't eat much of normally and that I ate a lot of whilst pregnant and married, so this is an anomaly (dietary change)
3) Remembering the weird session I had in the gym the week after the insemination, it felt as though I were being communicated with to say - hey if you don't stop all this jumping around, I'm going to find it very very hard to hold on and stay. I stopped jumping around. Then on the Friday I got a bad backache and thought this was somehow an adverse reaction to conception and whatever you call that time when the new being lodges itself in the uterus, but it was purely and simply a bad back from overdoing a particular exercise, so maybe stopping jumping around did the trick, I don't know! (strange unexplainable spiritual leanings)
I will go and see a doctor on Wednesday. But now I feel like as soon as I make the appointment, my period will start! So I'm telling myself that I'd need to see a doctor either way, because if I'm pregnant and the hormone is not showing up on the urine test perhaps there's something wrong, and if I'm not pregnant and my cycle is all messed up I need to get that sorted out, too.
but anyway my period has not started, and while I've had waves of sensations that are kind of menstrual like, they have come and gone very quickly. I was teary yesterday for many reasons, and normally would bleed that day, but I didn't. I may still bleed... if I do, it's not the end of the world, even though I openly committed myself to my wish
I will let you know!
Melina
............ sorry for your news, C & K .......... virtual hugs and hopes for next month's timing, hey? ............
Melina
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Wednesday 9 May 2007
Hi Everyone,
Weird things are happening around me. My car wouldn't start Monday night when it had run perfectly all day, and I got to spend a relaxing though productive evening alone, rather than go to a forgotten meeting out of duty. Then this morning I woke at 3:30 anxiously, finally got up around 5 and spent an hour trying to get the computer to work, to no avail. Left it in peace until just now, and now it suddenly works again.
Which is just as well, because I've been anxious to let you know what's been happening with me. (I hope L wasn't logging in from work all day hoping to get news the universe wouldn't let me post! :-)
I am probably not pregnant.
If I were pregnant, it would probably show up on the wee tests, but it doesn’t.
However, I still could be pregnant.
I was reassured when I saw another doctor today - I squeezed into a cancellation after a demoralising visit to an unsympathetic patronising old geezer yesterday after work - and was able to ask questions such as
- am I having a phantom pregnancy? (possibly)
- if the pregnancy were ectopic, would it still show up on the wee test? (yes)
- shouldn't it be showing up already? (yes)
- is there still a possibility I'm pregnant? (yes)
- how will I know? (only time will tell)
- if I am pregnant and it's not showing up, does that mean there's probably something seriously wrong? (there is no correlation)
it's so bloody frustrating!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I have not given up hope. The doctor this morning wrote me a form to get my blood work done, and suggests I do that next week if my period still hasn't come. She also checked my urine this morning for blood, but there was none. She said that if I'm not pregnant, I can only wait for my period, and that it will probably be extra extra heavy, due to the length between cycles and the possibility that if I get a period now it will also be a miscarriage.
Not the most cheery of news, and inconclusivity never sits well, but what can I do, but settle back and enjoy my phantom pregnancy. And if, after 9 months, all I hatch out is a little imaginary spirit baby, at least my body will have had a rest from the painful relentless heavy bleeding it normally has to endure, and I may have saved a few dollars on sanitary pads! LOL
Melina
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Thursday May 10 2007
hi Melina......I'm going with your....'I still could be pregnant'...statement until proven otherwise......after all pregnancy does different things to us...
...hope you have a peaceful day......hugs...
A
Hey L,
you and me both!
I don't want to make a call either way.
thanks
Melina
Oh Melina,
I read your message at the bottom of this post. Your baby be it real or phantom is driving me CRAZY (Again in the nicest possible way) : ) I can only imagine what you must be going through. I'm still hoping for you. Waiting on the edge of my seat. Praying to the Universe for you.
Chin up Melina and soldier on.
L
Ohhh Melina, that all sounds so frustrating for you. Is it possible just to tell the damn Dr to shut up and do a blood test so you can know asap...
LL
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Friday 11 May 2007
What wonderful news!
Our news is that we found out on Tuesday that we're having... A GIRL!!!
She's doing great - correct size for dates …
K & S
Hello friends …
Today was our special day to receive some good news...we are so thrilled...I just cant explain it... The results were meant to come around 2pm, when they rang and said there would be a delay....it was so hard to wait, I felt so sick, so we went for a long walk. Just as we arrived we got the call... S's hormone levels are very high, so they suspect twins, but cant say for sure...
Thank you so much my friends for all being so great...its still early days for us...so we are only telling a few close friends...(which includes all of you!!) BIG SMILES over here...thinking of Melina and L and R and everyone wanting babies in their lives.... just keep the faith...
L & S xx
Dear E,
Thanks for your support. Your messages are always so thoughtful! And it's now Friday morning and I was "sure" my period was starting last night but it DIDN'T. I feel ridiculous really, but it is more fun to be able to share it all on here. Sorry to put you all in the most excruciating of spectator ringside seats.... LOL
Melina
Hi Melina,
This wait is absolutely excruciating for me so I don't know how you are doing it!!
Fingers crossed that it is the outcome you are hoping for.
E
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Saturday 12 May 2007
hello everyone.. and Melina
We are thinking of you grrl... be brave.. when will ya know the results..??
M (& R)
Dear K And S And Baby Girl,
What special news. This has been a night of double-blessings.
Congratulations.
Melina - blood test this morningHello All,
I went to Gribbles this morning for blood tests, but results won't be known before Tuesday. I'll call my doctor Wednesday to be on the safe side. How it's d _ _ _r _ _ _a _ _ _ g _ _ _g _ _ _i _ _ _n _ _ _g. So anyway before I woke up this morning I had an unusual kind of dream (for me) involving another woman and thought - well this is interesting. What does this mean? Who is she? What is she doing in my life? And then I thought - does this mean I'm about to start my period???? LOL
It seems everything I see and hear and taste and smell and feel is some kind of indication either way.
I can tell you I felt a whole lot better this morning after driving home and gobbling down two bananas while waiting for the kettle to boil and making cinnamon toast. Needing something in my stomach these days ....
So what does that mean? ! ? ! ? !
Melina
The Am I or Aren't I Saga
(c) Melina Magdalena (2007)
Thursday 4 April 2007
Hi Melina and everyone,
Wow, I'm so excited that you may/will be trying in about 7 days. I have felt like I have been on a rollercoaster with you just getting to this point, but I lost track of the story here and there. But I'm glad everything is back on track.
L
Wow Melina, I always feel like i have missed a post with you, things change so quick or do they??? iam always a bit lost with you lol, well goodluck another dream starting its journey. Are you just doing one insemination or a few in that 14 hours????
Fingerscrossed
LL
Hi Melina,
L and I wish you lots of and lots of luck :)
I hope you all had a good Easter and that you'll have fertile and
happy rest of the week!
Lots of love,
D
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Friday 13 April 2007
My whirlwind trip to Sydney on Wednesday was interesting. The donor was really gentle and respectful, because OMG what an awkward situation - he'd obviously developed his own way of communicating the stuff, though this was a first for me. We used mobile phones to 'prank' one another at crucial stages, and went for walks on our own around the neighbourhood while the other was doing his/her thing. It makes me smile, because even here on line I find it hard to articulate any of this.
And anyway I have no feeling either way whether it worked. No desire to run for the wee sticks or count the days. It is all somewhat surreal. Although the day itself was magical. It is amazing to be able to see the sun rise and the sun set and travel across the continent and feel so present, so together, so here and so 'this is right'. Very nice.
Melina
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Saturday 14 April 2007
Hello everyone.. and Melina..
Hey brave grrl.. you did it!! ..you're no longer a bystander .. you jumped and you're free falling.. enjoy the journey.. we're here with ya..
M & R
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Sunday 15 April 2007
More pleasant stuff; congrats Melina on the insemination! ! Am sending fertile thoughts to you.
N
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Monday 16 April 2007
Wow! Congratulations. Easy as that .... I'm inspired!
Melina
Hi everyone...
Just thought we would drop in to keep you updated!
We weren’t going to post until when we had got the definite from the Dr but … I have not yet got my period and it is due!!! We ended up doing 2 pregnancy tests and both have come back with a faint double line!! Me being the sceptical person that I am I have not let myself believe that it is positive, and I will not until I have been to the Dr to have the blood test!
L and D I’m sorry to hear the news. But stay positive and I’m sure it will happen soon. We are thinking of you both.
K & L
Dear D,
I'm sorry to hear your news, and wish you better luck next time. Don't give up! And I hope the period pain clears quickly. I always imagine that this pain is a reminder from my body to me that it wants to grow a baby, so maybe yours is getting some extra practice in preparation for June.
Best wishes,
Melina
Hi everyone,
I took a first response test on Friday (two days before my period was due) and it was negative so I wasn't that surprised when I got my period today. I've been left feeling reflective and glad that at least the 'waiting to know' part is over. - Though of course it would have been better if it had ended with a positive and not a negative.
It does seem cruel that I get my period, which is disappointment enough, but I've also had terrible period pain (talk about adding insult to injury!)
Lots of love,
D
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Thursday 19 April 2007
Hello Everyone,
I'm feeling rather foolish at the moment, but not in a bad way. I'm trying to stop my feelings, because I know I could be left as devastated as any of you if I get the news that I didn't conceive. Not easy, is it?! I can now totally relate to some of people's comments about the assumption that because lesbians go about the conception process with such deliberation, (as opposed to heterosex blind chance:), I fully expect to have conceived on the first go. Which I know in my head is unlikely. But how does one stop those feelings even when one knows that they are likely to leave one feeling worse in the end, and not better? And then on the other hand I am so susceptible to seeing signs in everything that it's so easy to build up my hopes. So it's the old heartstrings and gut instinct versus the head logic I guess. And nothing to do but wait and hope.
Melina
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Friday 20 April 2007
thanks M .... my backache is probably from the gym .... and if not well there's always next month ....
Melina
hey Melina.. hugs.. it’s an anxious time .. waiting.. breathe.. :) m
Hi R,
I feel a bit weird actually. Wonder whether I conceived and miscarried? Too early to know really. Will have to wait another week or so before knowing whether my period comes as usual.
happy weekend,
Melina
Hi C and K,
Good luck from me, too.
I'd forgotten the smell of semen when I did the insemination. Nearly made me gag. At least there are two of you so you can laugh over things like that!
Melina
Hi C & K,
I nearly missed that you had just done an insemination. Finger's crossed for you. You're using a known donor aren't you? That's really good because I think there's a better chance with non-thawed sperm!
Good luck!
D
Hi there K,
wonderful news! hope it keeps going so smoothly. isn't time a strange thing - can it really be 4 weeks already?
Melina
Hi everyone,
Just thought I'd drop in to let you know that we went to the Dr today and he gave us the thumbs up... yes we are pregnant! Oh and Melina... all the best! We have our fingers crossed for you!
K
Hello Everyone,
I really didn't mean to get you down with my posts about gender and fathers and stuff. Sorry about that. It's a fraught issue with me.
This week I read a new book about autism. Having a child with autism is something I've been scared of for a while. I think I'm just gaining some perspective today about the fact that none of us are perfect; we all have our quirks; we all have things to deal with, things to learn and things to teach. I think I'm getting back in touch with what it is to love.
So I do feel inspired and I believe it's a sign that I found you when I did. I also believe it's a sign that I didn't get my period when I didn't, because it caused me to rethink the donor situation. And I will continue to direct loving, protective thoughts to my tummy - I like what you said M, about living in this bubble of possibility. It is DELISH!!
Melina
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Saturday 21 April 2007
Hi
Reading this thread has brought back more than a few revolting memories!! I know at the clinic when we had AI they would give me a sanitary pad to wear after the insemination. I could always smell the sperm smell and would end up getting home and having to shower and remove the panty liner with gloves!! It amazed me how my friends (het) would talk about having sex just before going to work..... I couldn't bear sitting around all day without showering!!!
E
Hey
All the best guys fingers crossed. Now I have to say it does smell doesn’t it, on my first insemination I vomited about 4 times I was in the art gallery and had to run to the toilet,
everything just smelt of it. I had to do draw it up as quick as possible and hold it away and kinda hold my breath. Ha hah I hope no one has a weak stomach, I just had to comment because I thought something was wrong with me, or maybe I just was so not attracted to guys I found the smell really off. lol
L L
Hi everyone
Yes, you're right Melina, we can laugh about it. Last night, K had a running commentary going as she set it all up: "Ooh there's a lot of it tonight, Ack, it's really smelly And quite goobly"
And that's when I said "Ok, that's enough information! " [:o]
When can you test Melina?
Hi there everyone,
I feel vindicated. At least, given all your success stories with using donated sperm, my aversion to semen can't be viewed as a reason that might prevent conception and pregnancy!
Melina
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Tuesday 24 April 2007
Hi Everyone,
I'm scared about being pregnant in front of my adult students. How silly is that? I don't know whether I'd ever feel comfortable coming out to them as a lesbian. As a single mother yes - I am already and they know I've been married and divorced. So this is an impending challenge, as since it's not my first baby I won't be invisibly pregnant until 5 weeks before its birth, (as I was with my first!)
Melina
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Wednesday 25 April 2007
Hi,
Feeling definitely premenstrual - due tomorrow. If no period I'll do a pregnancy test on Friday. Have noticed a pronounced sensitivity to smells, am worried constantly about toxins, am tired, and slightly queasy much of the time. Never got morning sickness with prior pregnancies, but this may also be because I was out of touch with my body sensations. Anyway, just wanted to share this with someone.
Melina
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Thursday 26 April 2007
Hi Melina,
I wish you sooo much luck and hope that darn period stays away :)
Love,
D
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Friday 27 April 2007
Hello all, no pregnancy, no period, I think I must be infertile save for my very fertile imagination.
oh well
ho hum
Melina
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Saturday 28 April 2007
Hi everyone who has reassured me that maybe I shouldn't decide on the basis of one failed insemination that I must be infertile! lol I really appreciate your messages.
I've decided my cycles must be erratic. I've started a new plan to take my temperature every morning and test for ovulation every day. On the other hand, I was so sure I had conceived that I'm not 100% about having mistimed the last insemination. But still no period which could mean (a) no ovulation this cycle or (b) longer cycle this time around. Which makes me think I could be ovulating any day now. But my donor lives in Sydney, so if I happen to be ovulating, I might have to fall back on the phantom plan of propositioning the good-looking Greek guy in the mobile phone store for some sperm and taking a chance he's as healthy as he looks (it's a phantasy people not a plan of action!).
It does feel better to have a plan I can start on.
thanks again,
Melina
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Sunday 29 April 2007
Hello
Sorry for my obsession with this, but I have nowhere else to express my anxieties or exhilarations. Tedious for readers perhaps ... ?
Still no period. I talked to my sister yesterday and did another pregnancy test today. The box I bought said it had 3, but seems to have 5. My sister recommends that if I'm not pregnant I should see a herbalist and get some herbs to regulate my cycle. One she mentioned is Chaste Tree, which apparently was used by monks in an effort to curb their libido. It has the opposite effect on women in terms of maintaining and promoting fertility. :)
I'm trying not to be anxious. But I feel a little down. So I googled "Late confirmation of pregnancy". I was wondering
a) maybe my body doesn't produce enough of the hormone to be detectable or
b) maybe I'm just not pregnant?
And I found a link.
I read through the information which discounts the claim on home pregnancy tests that they are 99% accurate 2-5 days before the missed period. It says that the levels of the pregnancy hormone are OFTEN undetectable before a week after a missed period.
Of course now that I have found some reason for renewed hope (which is admittedly a better possible prognosis than peri menopause at 37 years of age), I'll probably relax enough to let my body begin to menstruate.
Or maybe not.
I won't be holding my breath.
Melina
Hello everyone.. and Melina
..you poor chook.. i know what that is like.. wanting something really badly.. and not being sure if your judgement is off cos you really really want it to be the case....and you are there on your own.. ok..
..some clarity q's..
- is your period usually regular.. ?? Y/N
(weren’t you charting your cycle b4 you finally inseminated. . i seem to recall)
-what date did you calculate that your period was due ??
..you know.. some clinics don’t rely on home pregnancy tests at all.. I have a work mate who is the same no. of weeks as our L.. and she was told to wait till she missed a period and then book in for a test..
-its pointless at this point to ask you do you have any signs.. cos your head is in a spin... again.. i so know that feeling.. (not now anymore.. but I've been there)..
hugs.. M
Thanks so for your responses (glad you're online!)...
I just went for a big walk in this lovely lovely rain and feel somewhat better. I don't do inactivity well at all. Anyway, I realised it's not so much a case of wishful thinking (though if I did turn out to be pregnant and the baby was healthy what a bonus that would be!). I keep thinking of Mel in "Queer As Folk" who inseminated once and kept getting negative pregnancy tests but kept on keeping on until the test confirmed what she knew. So not so much wishful thinking as I wish SOMETHING would happen to let me know either way, because then I could keep going. I feel like I'm spinning in space, unable to break the inertia. So I'll continue to take my vitamins and minerals; I'll continue to chart my cycle (mucous, temp etc.) and see where the journey takes me next.
Melina
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Monday 30 April 2007
Hi Melina,
There is nothing worse than being in the limbo, you just need to know, so you can either jump with joy and continue with the knowledge of a confirmed pregnancy or allow your self to grieve for a moment with the knowledge of a confirmed non pregnancy. Anything else is just plain torture.
I had a false negative pregnancy test with S but I have also had many negatives with lots of symptoms and late period.
I once read women have a lot more miscarriages than are report because often they happen so early that they are a period. So I have a sneaky suspicion that many of use have tiny two minute pregnancies just don't continue but give us late periods, so not all of it is in our heads although probably most of the time it is.
I hope you get a confirmation of a beautifully healthy baby.
And also if you need to or haven't done so already, you could go to the local doctor and say that your trying to get pregnant and you want some tests done for iron levels and also a blood test (sorry don't know what its called) that tells you whether your ovulating, I think its done on day 25 or something. Or any test that the Dr recommends giving you some better ideas. It just might be a cost efficient way to get some basic tests done. Iron levels are extremely important, if your iron levels are low, you body will not allow a pregnancy.
I don't think you have fertility problems and yes you do have a fertile imagination. My prognosis is "all or nothing thinking". ie, If First time pregnancy attempt doesn't work, your mind goes straight to early menopause : )
Hoping it all turns out well
L
Thank you lovely,
I can see you know exactly where I'm at, at the moment, and have been there... What you say about tiny two-minute pregnancies is something I can sense as well. What I don't quite understand is the mechanics of how that translates to a later period. I think I shall get myself checked out medically and herbally. It can't hurt!
Melina
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Friday 4 May 2007
Hi
You asked about my state of play - I appreciate that, as I've been lying low and sometimes feel somewhat invisible on here! I told myself I wouldn't test again for a week, so that was today. And after dreaming vivid dreams of two thin pink lines, there was still only one, so I really am not pregnant unless the tests themselves are faulty!
I was all set after the negative test this morning to call the doctor and get a blood test instead, but then I looked back at my charting and discovered that although my cycles from October to March were regular 26-day cycles, my March-April cycle was 35 days. I'm now on day 34, still no period, so I'll wait for it tomorrow.
As for how I feel - I really did feel pregnant for about a week. And maybe I was and lost the baby/foetus/possibility. Lately, I haven't felt quite the same. I like the idea of being pregnant, but I'm not nauseous at all and have no other symptoms.
If my period doesn't come soon, I will go to the doctor.
In the meantime, here is my vitamin regime (I'm so glad I don't have to take all those medications, but it would be ironic if I got diagnosed with something like PCOS and ended up on them. I can't imagine much worse than that...)
MORNING 2 x Blackmores pregnancy and breastfeeding, 2 x 500mg Vitamin E, 2 x Super Vitamin C / EVENING 2 x Caltrate Plus, 1 x Zinc+B6, 2 x Super Vitamin C
The changing cycle stuff could be, I suppose, a reaction to this newish regime (I'm paying more attention to in than previously when it was a little sporadic). The first missed period was last year during my fitness program, and I thought it was triggered by increased activity.
By the way, all this so called fitness and I haven't lost an ounce of weight. Yes, I'm sure I still eat too much, but I do feel far fitter and healthier for it. Sadly, thought, I haven't managed to go to the gym once this week!
Enough information.
Melina
Hello Lovelies …
,,, Melina you’re an amazing woman, and an awesome writer, and one day some very smart woman is going to come along and snap you up! But it’s so great to be happy on your own, because then when a relation ship comes, it’s a bonus.
So much more I could say. Lots of emotions these last few days – hopes and fears and disappointments, deep sadness and even deeper joys. Goddess blessings to all, for fertility, for relationships, for satisfaction and fulfilment, courage for the journey, rest for the weary, and hears ease for the grieving. You’re all awesome women, and it’s a privilege to share the journey with you all.
Much love,
S
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Saturday 5 May 2007
Hey chickens,
Sorry I haven’t been able to reply as much either, as M said, it’s one of those times for me … but I am still reading every post and thinking of you all … especially you Melina … you are very present here my sweets ….
hey guys I just wanted to say hi, I am reading the posts but not replying, you are all in my thought and Melina a big hug to you girl xo
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Good morning, I have no time to write today, but wanted you to know how much your messages mean to me - thank you. here I go....hope you all have a good one... I'll check in later...
(still no period, and I believe I may be pregnant)
Melina
Sunday 6 May 2007
Hello everyone.. and Melina...
..ok Ms Muffin.. you cant just sign off with "believe i may be pregnant" .. please explain :)
M
...w...e...l...l...
a few things made me sign off that way.
:-)
1) If I commit either way the opposite will happen (magical thinking)
2) Thinking about the PCOS and arthritis discussions, I realised I'm able to tolerate bread, which is something I don't eat much of normally and that I ate a lot of whilst pregnant and married, so this is an anomaly (dietary change)
3) Remembering the weird session I had in the gym the week after the insemination, it felt as though I were being communicated with to say - hey if you don't stop all this jumping around, I'm going to find it very very hard to hold on and stay. I stopped jumping around. Then on the Friday I got a bad backache and thought this was somehow an adverse reaction to conception and whatever you call that time when the new being lodges itself in the uterus, but it was purely and simply a bad back from overdoing a particular exercise, so maybe stopping jumping around did the trick, I don't know! (strange unexplainable spiritual leanings)
I will go and see a doctor on Wednesday. But now I feel like as soon as I make the appointment, my period will start! So I'm telling myself that I'd need to see a doctor either way, because if I'm pregnant and the hormone is not showing up on the urine test perhaps there's something wrong, and if I'm not pregnant and my cycle is all messed up I need to get that sorted out, too.
but anyway my period has not started, and while I've had waves of sensations that are kind of menstrual like, they have come and gone very quickly. I was teary yesterday for many reasons, and normally would bleed that day, but I didn't. I may still bleed... if I do, it's not the end of the world, even though I openly committed myself to my wish
I will let you know!
Melina
............ sorry for your news, C & K .......... virtual hugs and hopes for next month's timing, hey? ............
Melina
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Wednesday 9 May 2007
Hi Everyone,
Weird things are happening around me. My car wouldn't start Monday night when it had run perfectly all day, and I got to spend a relaxing though productive evening alone, rather than go to a forgotten meeting out of duty. Then this morning I woke at 3:30 anxiously, finally got up around 5 and spent an hour trying to get the computer to work, to no avail. Left it in peace until just now, and now it suddenly works again.
Which is just as well, because I've been anxious to let you know what's been happening with me. (I hope L wasn't logging in from work all day hoping to get news the universe wouldn't let me post! :-)
I am probably not pregnant.
If I were pregnant, it would probably show up on the wee tests, but it doesn’t.
However, I still could be pregnant.
I was reassured when I saw another doctor today - I squeezed into a cancellation after a demoralising visit to an unsympathetic patronising old geezer yesterday after work - and was able to ask questions such as
- am I having a phantom pregnancy? (possibly)
- if the pregnancy were ectopic, would it still show up on the wee test? (yes)
- shouldn't it be showing up already? (yes)
- is there still a possibility I'm pregnant? (yes)
- how will I know? (only time will tell)
- if I am pregnant and it's not showing up, does that mean there's probably something seriously wrong? (there is no correlation)
it's so bloody frustrating!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I have not given up hope. The doctor this morning wrote me a form to get my blood work done, and suggests I do that next week if my period still hasn't come. She also checked my urine this morning for blood, but there was none. She said that if I'm not pregnant, I can only wait for my period, and that it will probably be extra extra heavy, due to the length between cycles and the possibility that if I get a period now it will also be a miscarriage.
Not the most cheery of news, and inconclusivity never sits well, but what can I do, but settle back and enjoy my phantom pregnancy. And if, after 9 months, all I hatch out is a little imaginary spirit baby, at least my body will have had a rest from the painful relentless heavy bleeding it normally has to endure, and I may have saved a few dollars on sanitary pads! LOL
Melina
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Thursday May 10 2007
hi Melina......I'm going with your....'I still could be pregnant'...statement until proven otherwise......after all pregnancy does different things to us...
...hope you have a peaceful day......hugs...
A
Hey L,
you and me both!
I don't want to make a call either way.
thanks
Melina
Oh Melina,
I read your message at the bottom of this post. Your baby be it real or phantom is driving me CRAZY (Again in the nicest possible way) : ) I can only imagine what you must be going through. I'm still hoping for you. Waiting on the edge of my seat. Praying to the Universe for you.
Chin up Melina and soldier on.
L
Ohhh Melina, that all sounds so frustrating for you. Is it possible just to tell the damn Dr to shut up and do a blood test so you can know asap...
LL
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Friday 11 May 2007
What wonderful news!
Our news is that we found out on Tuesday that we're having... A GIRL!!!
She's doing great - correct size for dates …
K & S
Hello friends …
Today was our special day to receive some good news...we are so thrilled...I just cant explain it... The results were meant to come around 2pm, when they rang and said there would be a delay....it was so hard to wait, I felt so sick, so we went for a long walk. Just as we arrived we got the call... S's hormone levels are very high, so they suspect twins, but cant say for sure...
Thank you so much my friends for all being so great...its still early days for us...so we are only telling a few close friends...(which includes all of you!!) BIG SMILES over here...thinking of Melina and L and R and everyone wanting babies in their lives.... just keep the faith...
L & S xx
Dear E,
Thanks for your support. Your messages are always so thoughtful! And it's now Friday morning and I was "sure" my period was starting last night but it DIDN'T. I feel ridiculous really, but it is more fun to be able to share it all on here. Sorry to put you all in the most excruciating of spectator ringside seats.... LOL
Melina
Hi Melina,
This wait is absolutely excruciating for me so I don't know how you are doing it!!
Fingers crossed that it is the outcome you are hoping for.
E
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Saturday 12 May 2007
hello everyone.. and Melina
We are thinking of you grrl... be brave.. when will ya know the results..??
M (& R)
Dear K And S And Baby Girl,
What special news. This has been a night of double-blessings.
Congratulations.
Melina - blood test this morningHello All,
I went to Gribbles this morning for blood tests, but results won't be known before Tuesday. I'll call my doctor Wednesday to be on the safe side. How it's d _ _ _r _ _ _a _ _ _ g _ _ _g _ _ _i _ _ _n _ _ _g. So anyway before I woke up this morning I had an unusual kind of dream (for me) involving another woman and thought - well this is interesting. What does this mean? Who is she? What is she doing in my life? And then I thought - does this mean I'm about to start my period???? LOL
It seems everything I see and hear and taste and smell and feel is some kind of indication either way.
I can tell you I felt a whole lot better this morning after driving home and gobbling down two bananas while waiting for the kettle to boil and making cinnamon toast. Needing something in my stomach these days ....
So what does that mean? ! ? ! ? !
Melina
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Next Time
Next Time
(c) Melina Magdalena (2007)
Next time, I will have the courage to say "Thanks, but no thanks".
Next time, I will have the self-awareness to say "I really like you, but our life journeys are not travelling in the same direction. The most we can be for one another, is friends."
Next time, I will have the courtesy to know when it's time to take action before the hurt on both sides becomes too entrenched.
Next time, I will have the self-respect to know that it's OK for me to say "No".
Next time, I will know my boundaries better, and I will be able to act upon them sooner.
Next time, I will not allow myself to be carried away, borne aloft or disregarded because of the possibility I will be induced to change my priorities. I am stronger than that, and I will show more integrity.
When two people meet, new possibilities arise from their meeting. It would be soul-destroying to deny oneself the opportunity to explore those possibilities. In the face of new possibilities, people's outlooks do change. That does not make one flimsy, insubstantial, wishy washy or dishonest. It can take time to sift and sort, to consider and try out to see whether these possiblities might fit. If they don't, some learning has been had. If they do, the possiblities can still be embraced, or set aside with thanks.
Regret emerges not so much from the things one has done, as from those one never dared to try.
There is no shame in having loved enough to know when it is time to let go.
(c) Melina Magdalena (2007)
Next time, I will have the courage to say "Thanks, but no thanks".
Next time, I will have the self-awareness to say "I really like you, but our life journeys are not travelling in the same direction. The most we can be for one another, is friends."
Next time, I will have the courtesy to know when it's time to take action before the hurt on both sides becomes too entrenched.
Next time, I will have the self-respect to know that it's OK for me to say "No".
Next time, I will know my boundaries better, and I will be able to act upon them sooner.
Next time, I will not allow myself to be carried away, borne aloft or disregarded because of the possibility I will be induced to change my priorities. I am stronger than that, and I will show more integrity.
When two people meet, new possibilities arise from their meeting. It would be soul-destroying to deny oneself the opportunity to explore those possibilities. In the face of new possibilities, people's outlooks do change. That does not make one flimsy, insubstantial, wishy washy or dishonest. It can take time to sift and sort, to consider and try out to see whether these possiblities might fit. If they don't, some learning has been had. If they do, the possiblities can still be embraced, or set aside with thanks.
Regret emerges not so much from the things one has done, as from those one never dared to try.
There is no shame in having loved enough to know when it is time to let go.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Surprise Packages
Surprise Packages
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
One of my favourite parts of every day is opening my letterbox. Whether it’s the actual letterbox in my driveway, or a virtual inbox attached to one of my many email accounts (at last count I had 8), I always feel excited to see that there is something waiting for me.
Junk mail, spam, bills, and unsolicited appeals for cash are not nearly as exciting as genuine efforts at communication, exchanges of emotions and ideas, or the sharing of news about people in my life, but I’m a mail junkie and am generally pleased to get almost anything at all.
I’ve had some intense and long-running exchanges during my life, and can characterise various stages according to whom I was communicating with at the time.
Grandpa, my father’s father, was a wonderful letter writer. He lived in Texas and we lived in Australia. As just one of his nine grandchildren, I got letters from him several times every year. Even during my troubled times, estranged from most of my immediate family members, I could count on an elevated mood when an airmail envelope appeared in my letterbox, addressed to me in spidery blue ink. He wrote to me about his garden, his friends and family, my Grandma, and the everyday things that were part of his world. I replied in kind.
Moving around so much, as we did, I tried to keep in contact with friends in each place after we left. When you’re a child and a teenager, it can seem as though everything is so mundane and ordinary – what is there to write about? My friends didn’t understand how precious every sliver of information became to me, abruptly yanked to a new place devoid of personal connections. For my part, I didn’t understand why they would be interested in what I had to say about those new places! Unfortunately, these friendships didn’t develop into pen-pal relationships.
My year in Germany (January 1985 – January 1986) had a profound effect on my letter-writing activities. I wrote every week to my family in Adelaide, and although I was not homesick, I received the regular letters from my mother, father and siblings with great glee. I also kept a diary, which I haven’t done during any other period in my life. So much happened in Adelaide and Europe during that year, it’s hard to credit that it was just twelve short months. One of these days, I shall delve back into those letters and pick out the juicy bits. Who knows – maybe there’s something there for public consumption? It was an amazing year.
During my tumultuous years of courtship and marriage, (1986-1993) the man who wooed me wrote me many poems, notes and letters. I loved this, and avidly replied. We lived in a sharehouse for much of the time we were together, and the members of our household communicated, argued, complained, requested and celebrated via a series of Housebooks. I remember looking through them a year or so after leaving my marriage. I was utterly appalled by the constant petty conflicts they revealed. How hard can it be, to share space and cooperate with shopping, cooking and chores!
When email started, I had no idea of the impact it would have on possibilities for communication, or how my life would be touched. I had no inkling of the ease with which I would be soon able to use a computer to find people who had disappeared from my life, and invite them back in, or just to catch up on what people are doing with their lifetimes. I’m truly hooked!
When she moved up to the Rainbow Triangle to study in 1997, my sister became my main confidante and I was hers. Our emails were prolific and detailed. Through them, we became much closer than we had been when we lived in physical proximity to one another. We continued our communications for more than a year, while she established a new network and grew less dependent on me, stuck back home in Adelaide. I was sad for myself when this period ended, but happy that she was happier.
Emails got me in a lot of trouble back then. Still not quite aware of the public nature of electronic communications, I was blacklisted, punished and virtually shunned when I expressed my outrage about certain events in the activist circles I was still part of at that time. With the benefit of hindsight, I know my outrage was partly sparked by the intense emotional turmoil I was in, as I embarked on my healing journeys, but the vicious retaliation by women I had considered my allies and friends has marked me indelibly. However, these hard experiences have not taught me discretion as they might have, had I chosen the path of repression, over expression.
I fell in love in 1995 when I went back to uni. When I finally came out to my psychiatrist about it all, she thought I was transferring my need for human connection onto a woman who was distant enough to be safely out of reach. This was how she explained away the longing I felt for my classmate. It took me three more years before I made a choice to set these fantasies aside. I used to put anonymous notes in my classmate’s pigeonhole at uni. I was convinced she knew who I was, and never ceased to hope she would meet me as I had proposed, or simply talk to me, and let me know she was interested in me as well. Of course this never happened. It was indeed my fertile imagination, breeding myriad vibrant and lovely possibilities for me in my otherwise grey world of sustained emotional pain and distress. Had I had this woman’s email address, I might have been bold enough to embark on a mediated journey of exploration with her. Or my fantasy might have been curtailed much sooner than it was.
I was never convinced by the effectiveness of letter writing as a strategy for change, but over the years, I have written many letters to newspapers, organisations and politicians. Some of these attempts at communication have engendered responses that are gratifying in themselves, even when the issues I had raised in my letters are not directly responded to or resolved. It’s an interesting thought – that in itself being able to voice my opinions and needs leads directly to a healing response. Getting something – anything back, can be immensely satisfying!
There have been acquaintances with whom I have struck up a pattern of written correspondence during stressful times in their lives. One young woman took an internship in Geneva for a year. She had never been overseas before, and seemed to take comfort in our letter exchanges. This was pleasant, but after she returned to Australia, she found her social needs were better met by people physically present in her life. Our friendship was curtailed.
For someone like me, who has often felt intruded on when people get too close or assume too much about my boundaries, written communication is an excellent tool for mediating necessary relationships. It has allowed me to get close enough to colleagues that we can share deeply, without my feeling invaded by their interest in me. Emails are also great tools for venting, because when used with caution, they enable one to circumvent the protocols and hierarchies that govern the bureaucracies in which I have worked.
When used with skill and due care, emails can also enable the reinvention of one’s public (and perhaps private) self.
So when I fell in love for a second time, my girlfriend and I embarked upon a passionate exchange of emails. Of course this time, our relationship was real. It was far more satisfying than the two-dimensional fantasy love I had had with my university classmate. For me, the pleasure of expressing my love through the written word greatly illuminated and elevated our relationship. When she went overseas for a year, I adored being able to keep in daily contact with her, via emails. It was almost as good as when she was physically present, with some obvious exceptions. I missed being able to go places with her, and experience things together. The depth of our sharing was limited mainly by the fact that I had never been where she was, and could only imagine the experiences she related to me in her emails and letters.
And it’s our regular communications I miss most about that relationship.
Last week I ordered something on line for the very first time. It was supposed to arrive within 4 to 6 days, but hasn’t got here yet (probably due to ANZAC Day). When I saw the delivery van pull up in my driveway yesterday, I felt the familiar stirrings of excitement in my belly. I wanted to get to the front door before my son, because what I’ve ordered is his birthday present.
“Hullo!” I called through the screen door.
“Hi. I’ve got a parcel for ….” He struggled with my name.
“Yes, that’s me.” I opened the door, and he handed me the package. “Thank you very much!”
Noticing the Australian postage sticker, I turned it over. This wasn’t the parcel I had been expecting. Then my heart gave a little leap of excitement as I realised it was from my ex-girlfriend. So I was right – she had been thinking of me, during these school holidays. How nice! I think of her every day, but I haven’t been brave enough to try and resume contact with her, since my last attempt was misconstrued and my wing feathers were badly singed.
I opened the package and drew out its contents: a book I had lent her (it belongs to my daughter), and the Christmas present I gave her last December just after we broke up. I felt slightly ill. Her message was transparent. She’s still smarting from my rejection, blaming me for our incompatibility, furious at being left alone, and unable to let go and move on.
I had promised my children we would go op shopping, so off we went. But why was I feeling so hurt inside? I couldn’t even find the tears I wanted to release. It was in the third op shop that the answer reached me – perhaps there was a note in the book. I hadn’t leafed through the pages, but would check when I got home.
There was no note. Just an ancient post-it she had stuck in the front of the book. I recognised it immediately. It was a message I wrote to her as I helped her pack up her house before she left for overseas. An intimate, passionate expression of love with every intention of reassuring her how much she meant to me, even as she embarked on an overseas trip that many others construed as her abandonment of our deepening relationship.
This didn’t make me feel any less ill. It still feels like an underhanded passive aggressive reproach aimed with every intention of communicating to me how badly she believes I have treated her. Horrified by my suggestion that our relationship was not perfect, and humiliated that I wasn’t happy with every aspect of how we related to one another, she never did beg me to reconsider and try again. Perhaps pride got in the way of her considering this possibility. Perhaps she still feels it is a betrayal to admit she knows how much I loved her. Perhaps she simply has nothing else to say to me. This could be her way of telling me she is ready to let go. I hope so.
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
One of my favourite parts of every day is opening my letterbox. Whether it’s the actual letterbox in my driveway, or a virtual inbox attached to one of my many email accounts (at last count I had 8), I always feel excited to see that there is something waiting for me.
Junk mail, spam, bills, and unsolicited appeals for cash are not nearly as exciting as genuine efforts at communication, exchanges of emotions and ideas, or the sharing of news about people in my life, but I’m a mail junkie and am generally pleased to get almost anything at all.
I’ve had some intense and long-running exchanges during my life, and can characterise various stages according to whom I was communicating with at the time.
Grandpa, my father’s father, was a wonderful letter writer. He lived in Texas and we lived in Australia. As just one of his nine grandchildren, I got letters from him several times every year. Even during my troubled times, estranged from most of my immediate family members, I could count on an elevated mood when an airmail envelope appeared in my letterbox, addressed to me in spidery blue ink. He wrote to me about his garden, his friends and family, my Grandma, and the everyday things that were part of his world. I replied in kind.
Moving around so much, as we did, I tried to keep in contact with friends in each place after we left. When you’re a child and a teenager, it can seem as though everything is so mundane and ordinary – what is there to write about? My friends didn’t understand how precious every sliver of information became to me, abruptly yanked to a new place devoid of personal connections. For my part, I didn’t understand why they would be interested in what I had to say about those new places! Unfortunately, these friendships didn’t develop into pen-pal relationships.
My year in Germany (January 1985 – January 1986) had a profound effect on my letter-writing activities. I wrote every week to my family in Adelaide, and although I was not homesick, I received the regular letters from my mother, father and siblings with great glee. I also kept a diary, which I haven’t done during any other period in my life. So much happened in Adelaide and Europe during that year, it’s hard to credit that it was just twelve short months. One of these days, I shall delve back into those letters and pick out the juicy bits. Who knows – maybe there’s something there for public consumption? It was an amazing year.
During my tumultuous years of courtship and marriage, (1986-1993) the man who wooed me wrote me many poems, notes and letters. I loved this, and avidly replied. We lived in a sharehouse for much of the time we were together, and the members of our household communicated, argued, complained, requested and celebrated via a series of Housebooks. I remember looking through them a year or so after leaving my marriage. I was utterly appalled by the constant petty conflicts they revealed. How hard can it be, to share space and cooperate with shopping, cooking and chores!
When email started, I had no idea of the impact it would have on possibilities for communication, or how my life would be touched. I had no inkling of the ease with which I would be soon able to use a computer to find people who had disappeared from my life, and invite them back in, or just to catch up on what people are doing with their lifetimes. I’m truly hooked!
When she moved up to the Rainbow Triangle to study in 1997, my sister became my main confidante and I was hers. Our emails were prolific and detailed. Through them, we became much closer than we had been when we lived in physical proximity to one another. We continued our communications for more than a year, while she established a new network and grew less dependent on me, stuck back home in Adelaide. I was sad for myself when this period ended, but happy that she was happier.
Emails got me in a lot of trouble back then. Still not quite aware of the public nature of electronic communications, I was blacklisted, punished and virtually shunned when I expressed my outrage about certain events in the activist circles I was still part of at that time. With the benefit of hindsight, I know my outrage was partly sparked by the intense emotional turmoil I was in, as I embarked on my healing journeys, but the vicious retaliation by women I had considered my allies and friends has marked me indelibly. However, these hard experiences have not taught me discretion as they might have, had I chosen the path of repression, over expression.
I fell in love in 1995 when I went back to uni. When I finally came out to my psychiatrist about it all, she thought I was transferring my need for human connection onto a woman who was distant enough to be safely out of reach. This was how she explained away the longing I felt for my classmate. It took me three more years before I made a choice to set these fantasies aside. I used to put anonymous notes in my classmate’s pigeonhole at uni. I was convinced she knew who I was, and never ceased to hope she would meet me as I had proposed, or simply talk to me, and let me know she was interested in me as well. Of course this never happened. It was indeed my fertile imagination, breeding myriad vibrant and lovely possibilities for me in my otherwise grey world of sustained emotional pain and distress. Had I had this woman’s email address, I might have been bold enough to embark on a mediated journey of exploration with her. Or my fantasy might have been curtailed much sooner than it was.
I was never convinced by the effectiveness of letter writing as a strategy for change, but over the years, I have written many letters to newspapers, organisations and politicians. Some of these attempts at communication have engendered responses that are gratifying in themselves, even when the issues I had raised in my letters are not directly responded to or resolved. It’s an interesting thought – that in itself being able to voice my opinions and needs leads directly to a healing response. Getting something – anything back, can be immensely satisfying!
There have been acquaintances with whom I have struck up a pattern of written correspondence during stressful times in their lives. One young woman took an internship in Geneva for a year. She had never been overseas before, and seemed to take comfort in our letter exchanges. This was pleasant, but after she returned to Australia, she found her social needs were better met by people physically present in her life. Our friendship was curtailed.
For someone like me, who has often felt intruded on when people get too close or assume too much about my boundaries, written communication is an excellent tool for mediating necessary relationships. It has allowed me to get close enough to colleagues that we can share deeply, without my feeling invaded by their interest in me. Emails are also great tools for venting, because when used with caution, they enable one to circumvent the protocols and hierarchies that govern the bureaucracies in which I have worked.
When used with skill and due care, emails can also enable the reinvention of one’s public (and perhaps private) self.
So when I fell in love for a second time, my girlfriend and I embarked upon a passionate exchange of emails. Of course this time, our relationship was real. It was far more satisfying than the two-dimensional fantasy love I had had with my university classmate. For me, the pleasure of expressing my love through the written word greatly illuminated and elevated our relationship. When she went overseas for a year, I adored being able to keep in daily contact with her, via emails. It was almost as good as when she was physically present, with some obvious exceptions. I missed being able to go places with her, and experience things together. The depth of our sharing was limited mainly by the fact that I had never been where she was, and could only imagine the experiences she related to me in her emails and letters.
And it’s our regular communications I miss most about that relationship.
Last week I ordered something on line for the very first time. It was supposed to arrive within 4 to 6 days, but hasn’t got here yet (probably due to ANZAC Day). When I saw the delivery van pull up in my driveway yesterday, I felt the familiar stirrings of excitement in my belly. I wanted to get to the front door before my son, because what I’ve ordered is his birthday present.
“Hullo!” I called through the screen door.
“Hi. I’ve got a parcel for ….” He struggled with my name.
“Yes, that’s me.” I opened the door, and he handed me the package. “Thank you very much!”
Noticing the Australian postage sticker, I turned it over. This wasn’t the parcel I had been expecting. Then my heart gave a little leap of excitement as I realised it was from my ex-girlfriend. So I was right – she had been thinking of me, during these school holidays. How nice! I think of her every day, but I haven’t been brave enough to try and resume contact with her, since my last attempt was misconstrued and my wing feathers were badly singed.
I opened the package and drew out its contents: a book I had lent her (it belongs to my daughter), and the Christmas present I gave her last December just after we broke up. I felt slightly ill. Her message was transparent. She’s still smarting from my rejection, blaming me for our incompatibility, furious at being left alone, and unable to let go and move on.
I had promised my children we would go op shopping, so off we went. But why was I feeling so hurt inside? I couldn’t even find the tears I wanted to release. It was in the third op shop that the answer reached me – perhaps there was a note in the book. I hadn’t leafed through the pages, but would check when I got home.
There was no note. Just an ancient post-it she had stuck in the front of the book. I recognised it immediately. It was a message I wrote to her as I helped her pack up her house before she left for overseas. An intimate, passionate expression of love with every intention of reassuring her how much she meant to me, even as she embarked on an overseas trip that many others construed as her abandonment of our deepening relationship.
This didn’t make me feel any less ill. It still feels like an underhanded passive aggressive reproach aimed with every intention of communicating to me how badly she believes I have treated her. Horrified by my suggestion that our relationship was not perfect, and humiliated that I wasn’t happy with every aspect of how we related to one another, she never did beg me to reconsider and try again. Perhaps pride got in the way of her considering this possibility. Perhaps she still feels it is a betrayal to admit she knows how much I loved her. Perhaps she simply has nothing else to say to me. This could be her way of telling me she is ready to let go. I hope so.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Sperm Donor Adventures: the seventh installment
Sperm Donor Adventures: the seventh installment
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
The first insemination
Eleven days ago I flew to Sydney for my first insemination. I had booked the flights three days earlier, based on the date of my last period.
Was it a fool’s errand? A woman’s fertility cycle is a curious thing.
Until I had my babies 17 years ago, I was regular as clockwork from the advent of womanhood, when I was exactly eleven-and-a-half, to falling pregnant at nineteen-and-a-half. At least I may presume this was the case. I have distinct mortified memories from the years 1982-1983 when we lived in central Queensland. I was part of an active Girl Guides troupe, and we went camping for one weekend, pretty much every month. Friday night of that weekend each month pretty much coincided with my period, but somehow I never quite remembered to anticipate this. I would awaken Saturday morning in cramped disgust, afraid to crawl out of my sleeping bag and reveal to my Patrol that I had bled all over myself again.
When I embarked upon a sexual relationship with the man who fathered my children, I hadn’t twigged to the connection between menstruation and fertility. He thought if he could get me pregnant he would have me forever in his keeping. More fool he, but I’m the one who got to raise the children!
Last year I was 36. In June I volunteered to participate in a fitness study, part of someone’s PhD. I thought my cycle was regular, but becoming suddenly active again (I had ceased regular exercise upon the death of my dog several months earlier), I skipped a period. Could it be pregnancy? Immaculate conception? I was scared stiff.
So when the same thing happened this March, after I’d been carefully and consistently charting my cycle for seven months, I fell into a heap. There seemed no plausible explanation. Someone suggested stress. I prefer my own interpretation. The universe was playing tricks on me, and I was not supposed to fall pregnant yet.
It did throw the plans I’d made with my donor of choice. I wondered whether I had chosen wrong. I discarded these plans. I’d been concerned for a while about the tone of his emails. He seemed to reveal himself supremely arrogant and snide. Why choose a misogynist queen to father a long-awaited precious gem? I reconnected with another donor and prayed for my period to come.
I bought ovulation tests and tested my wee each day from about day 6 of my cycle. The day I flew to Sydney was day 11. I tested myself in the airport, but still no confirmation of any kind of surge. I was fairly certain I’d had the surge the day before, in the classroom. I felt hotter; I felt wetter; I felt all churned up inside. These are sensations I’ve been familiar with for a long time. It might have been nice to be able to confirm them with some kind of external test, but failing that – I’d bought the plane tickets, and I might as well go through with the plan.
It had been one of those weekends when I didn’t have my kids. They came home to me after school on Tuesday. I worked all day Monday and Tuesday, then went home for dinner and karate, and gently informed my children that I would be going to Sydney in the morning. They were not very happy, and no I didn’t tell them why. I prevaricated. Do heterosexual couples inform their teenage children of their intentions to procreate before the fact?
They would need to get themselves out of bed and off to school, and could go to my parents’ for tea and the Wednesday taxi rides to activities, put themselves to bed, and I would see them on Thursday morning. I made lunches, set alarm clocks, packed my backpack, and lay down to sleep. My mind was a buzz with these kinds of thoughts:
… am I crazy?
… should I trust this man?
… what if the plane crashes?
… do I really want to do this?
… what if I get pregnant?
… what if he is a rapist and a murderer?
… am I a bad mother?
… it’s my only day off this week!
… when will I buy the groceries?
… is this irresponsible?
… I have to do some preparation for Thursday!
… have I got everything ready?
… will I wake up on time?
… what will he look like?
… who can I tell?
... and so on and so forth …
I didn’t sleep much, but I did catch my plane on time.
The precautions I took included telling my sister all about my plans. She had the donor’s contact details, such as they were, and my mobile phone number. She was also going to be in Sydney that day, and we were going to meet up for a few hours in between.
I had also asked the women in Lesbian Parents Australia whether anyone had heard of him. They had. Their comments were pretty positive, even those who had met him but chosen someone else to be their donor.
However, I was still pretty scared. After all, I was rocking up at Sydney Airport and getting into a car with a man I had only ever talked to on the phone and via emails. My heart and my guts felt it would be all right, despite the massive scare campaign launched by my head.
The plane took off from Adelaide in darkness. I had a window seat. That was one of the first good signs. I love to be up that early in the morning, and the day felt full of promise.
I got to Sydney Airport and after several text messages, managed to find the donor, waiting for me in his car. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and leaned in to shake his hand. I think he was surprised, but I needed that physical contact before I was prepared to get in there with him. And yes – it was OK.
We drove off, chatting pleasantly about the day, the traffic, and the plane ride. We arrived where the insemination was to happen. It was a chiropractic practice that he was taking care of while its owner was away. Dingy, dated, vacant and cluttered with all kinds of interesting stuff. I could use a treatment table. He provided me with towels, pillows and a blanket. I had brought along specimen jars and syringes.
Thankfully, he had been a donor before and talked me through the process. As I have told people, I was prepared to defend myself if I needed to, but that took all my energy. I really wasn’t up to being proactive and directing the proceedings. He took them in hand. I was to go out for a walk down the street, and he would prank me on my mobile when it was time for me to return. Then he would go for a walk, and I could prank him when it was all right for him to come back. Very civilized.
Still awkward!
I went out for my walk. I found a bookstore and browsed until my phone rang. Then I hurried back, to find him pouring semen from the specimen jar into the syringe. Good good. And off he went for his walk. I made sure the doors were locked, pulled shut the curtains around the cubicle, and undressed.
Now my bluff was really called. I had the semen. Did I know what to do with it? Would it work? Well, I gave it a go. After all, I’ve done plenty of reading about the best way to achieve conception through self-insemination. I couldn’t believe the smell of the stuff – it nearly made me gag.
Afterwards I lay with my legs elevated, wishing I had something to do. I was bursting with energy. I’ve never been the kind of person who enjoys lying around when I’m not asleep. So I got up and tried to rinse out the things to use them again, even though I had spares. Then I lay down again and pranked his phone.
He returned, and told me I shouldn’t have got up, as all the semen may have trickled out again. I thought positive thoughts. It only takes one sperm to go in the right direction and fertilise the egg! He helped me work out how to catch public transport to be with my sister for the rest of the day, and arranged to meet me back there at around 7:00 pm.
He showed amazing kindness and respect towards me.
We went through the same routine that evening, and then he drove me back to the airport. I thanked him again, got on my plane and flew home on the wings of some angels. I felt good. I had felt present, the whole day long. Yes I was spun out, yes the situation was surreal, but I felt I was achieving something I’ve been working towards for such a long, long time! I sent positive thoughts downwards to where conception might take place.
And the next day I got up, woke the children, and went off to work as usual.
Now I just have to wait and see whether it worked.
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
The first insemination
Eleven days ago I flew to Sydney for my first insemination. I had booked the flights three days earlier, based on the date of my last period.
Was it a fool’s errand? A woman’s fertility cycle is a curious thing.
Until I had my babies 17 years ago, I was regular as clockwork from the advent of womanhood, when I was exactly eleven-and-a-half, to falling pregnant at nineteen-and-a-half. At least I may presume this was the case. I have distinct mortified memories from the years 1982-1983 when we lived in central Queensland. I was part of an active Girl Guides troupe, and we went camping for one weekend, pretty much every month. Friday night of that weekend each month pretty much coincided with my period, but somehow I never quite remembered to anticipate this. I would awaken Saturday morning in cramped disgust, afraid to crawl out of my sleeping bag and reveal to my Patrol that I had bled all over myself again.
When I embarked upon a sexual relationship with the man who fathered my children, I hadn’t twigged to the connection between menstruation and fertility. He thought if he could get me pregnant he would have me forever in his keeping. More fool he, but I’m the one who got to raise the children!
Last year I was 36. In June I volunteered to participate in a fitness study, part of someone’s PhD. I thought my cycle was regular, but becoming suddenly active again (I had ceased regular exercise upon the death of my dog several months earlier), I skipped a period. Could it be pregnancy? Immaculate conception? I was scared stiff.
So when the same thing happened this March, after I’d been carefully and consistently charting my cycle for seven months, I fell into a heap. There seemed no plausible explanation. Someone suggested stress. I prefer my own interpretation. The universe was playing tricks on me, and I was not supposed to fall pregnant yet.
It did throw the plans I’d made with my donor of choice. I wondered whether I had chosen wrong. I discarded these plans. I’d been concerned for a while about the tone of his emails. He seemed to reveal himself supremely arrogant and snide. Why choose a misogynist queen to father a long-awaited precious gem? I reconnected with another donor and prayed for my period to come.
I bought ovulation tests and tested my wee each day from about day 6 of my cycle. The day I flew to Sydney was day 11. I tested myself in the airport, but still no confirmation of any kind of surge. I was fairly certain I’d had the surge the day before, in the classroom. I felt hotter; I felt wetter; I felt all churned up inside. These are sensations I’ve been familiar with for a long time. It might have been nice to be able to confirm them with some kind of external test, but failing that – I’d bought the plane tickets, and I might as well go through with the plan.
It had been one of those weekends when I didn’t have my kids. They came home to me after school on Tuesday. I worked all day Monday and Tuesday, then went home for dinner and karate, and gently informed my children that I would be going to Sydney in the morning. They were not very happy, and no I didn’t tell them why. I prevaricated. Do heterosexual couples inform their teenage children of their intentions to procreate before the fact?
They would need to get themselves out of bed and off to school, and could go to my parents’ for tea and the Wednesday taxi rides to activities, put themselves to bed, and I would see them on Thursday morning. I made lunches, set alarm clocks, packed my backpack, and lay down to sleep. My mind was a buzz with these kinds of thoughts:
… am I crazy?
… should I trust this man?
… what if the plane crashes?
… do I really want to do this?
… what if I get pregnant?
… what if he is a rapist and a murderer?
… am I a bad mother?
… it’s my only day off this week!
… when will I buy the groceries?
… is this irresponsible?
… I have to do some preparation for Thursday!
… have I got everything ready?
… will I wake up on time?
… what will he look like?
… who can I tell?
... and so on and so forth …
I didn’t sleep much, but I did catch my plane on time.
The precautions I took included telling my sister all about my plans. She had the donor’s contact details, such as they were, and my mobile phone number. She was also going to be in Sydney that day, and we were going to meet up for a few hours in between.
I had also asked the women in Lesbian Parents Australia whether anyone had heard of him. They had. Their comments were pretty positive, even those who had met him but chosen someone else to be their donor.
However, I was still pretty scared. After all, I was rocking up at Sydney Airport and getting into a car with a man I had only ever talked to on the phone and via emails. My heart and my guts felt it would be all right, despite the massive scare campaign launched by my head.
The plane took off from Adelaide in darkness. I had a window seat. That was one of the first good signs. I love to be up that early in the morning, and the day felt full of promise.
I got to Sydney Airport and after several text messages, managed to find the donor, waiting for me in his car. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and leaned in to shake his hand. I think he was surprised, but I needed that physical contact before I was prepared to get in there with him. And yes – it was OK.
We drove off, chatting pleasantly about the day, the traffic, and the plane ride. We arrived where the insemination was to happen. It was a chiropractic practice that he was taking care of while its owner was away. Dingy, dated, vacant and cluttered with all kinds of interesting stuff. I could use a treatment table. He provided me with towels, pillows and a blanket. I had brought along specimen jars and syringes.
Thankfully, he had been a donor before and talked me through the process. As I have told people, I was prepared to defend myself if I needed to, but that took all my energy. I really wasn’t up to being proactive and directing the proceedings. He took them in hand. I was to go out for a walk down the street, and he would prank me on my mobile when it was time for me to return. Then he would go for a walk, and I could prank him when it was all right for him to come back. Very civilized.
Still awkward!
I went out for my walk. I found a bookstore and browsed until my phone rang. Then I hurried back, to find him pouring semen from the specimen jar into the syringe. Good good. And off he went for his walk. I made sure the doors were locked, pulled shut the curtains around the cubicle, and undressed.
Now my bluff was really called. I had the semen. Did I know what to do with it? Would it work? Well, I gave it a go. After all, I’ve done plenty of reading about the best way to achieve conception through self-insemination. I couldn’t believe the smell of the stuff – it nearly made me gag.
Afterwards I lay with my legs elevated, wishing I had something to do. I was bursting with energy. I’ve never been the kind of person who enjoys lying around when I’m not asleep. So I got up and tried to rinse out the things to use them again, even though I had spares. Then I lay down again and pranked his phone.
He returned, and told me I shouldn’t have got up, as all the semen may have trickled out again. I thought positive thoughts. It only takes one sperm to go in the right direction and fertilise the egg! He helped me work out how to catch public transport to be with my sister for the rest of the day, and arranged to meet me back there at around 7:00 pm.
He showed amazing kindness and respect towards me.
We went through the same routine that evening, and then he drove me back to the airport. I thanked him again, got on my plane and flew home on the wings of some angels. I felt good. I had felt present, the whole day long. Yes I was spun out, yes the situation was surreal, but I felt I was achieving something I’ve been working towards for such a long, long time! I sent positive thoughts downwards to where conception might take place.
And the next day I got up, woke the children, and went off to work as usual.
Now I just have to wait and see whether it worked.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Sperm Donor Adventures: the sixth installment
Sperm Donor Adventures: the sixth installment
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
Questions and Answers
Here are excerpts from correspondence I have had with various prospective donors over the past few months.
R offered his sperm in response to an email his partner had forwarded to him. But his partner then raised the question of legal ramifications and I broke off contact very quickly.
Fri, 11 Aug 2006
Dear R.,
Thank you for replying so quickly! I have a couple of other questions for you - what would be your motivation in donating? Do you already have children? How does your partner fit in to this?
Saturday, 12 August 2006
Dear Melina,
It's always been a life goal for me to have children … my motivation for donating would be; I want, at least, to know that a child of mine *does* exist out there. It's hard to explain. I guess I am just hoping that in 50 years or so time there will be someone existing who can enjoy life because of me. It's a gift. We give to the next generation as we took from our parents and so on. At least that's what I like to think. Am I making much sense here? …
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
P offered his sperm with no strings attached, and was willing to travel to me. He responded to my ad on PinkBoard. Could this be too good to be true? I wondered what was in it for him?
Monday, 11 December 2006
Dear P,
Thanks for your email - nice to hear from you. Have you donated before?
Hi Melina
Thanks for your reply : ) Yes I've been a donor a few times here and a few times interstate. So far there have been no fertility problems for the mother and conception occurred first time on nearly all occasions. Feel free to ask more and am happy to talk over the phone if you'd like.
Tue, 12 Dec 2006
Dear P,
This is sounding almost possible.
So...
a) Have you been tested against nasties (STDs, etc.)?
b) What is your ethnic heritage?
c) What do you look like?
d) What kind of donor relationship do you want towards the mother and the child?
Hi Melina
Yes have been tested a few times now and happy to do so any time. I think its good for children to know of their biological origins. I have developed friendships with some of the couples I've helped but also have accepted no contact until the child is 18 when that has been preferred. If you preferred no contact the occasional email or pic or phone call just to say that all is well would be greatly appreciated.
What are your preferences ?
Thursday, 14 December 2006
Dear P,
I agree with you that knowing one's biological origins is important, and would encourage that whilst remaining strong in the sense that I as mother am the one who is raising the child, and who determines how that child is
raised. Friendship with the donor is an ideal to which I'd aspire, and letter or email contact would be my preference at least for the first years. Is there anything else you'd like to know about me?
Best wishes,
Melina
Hi
I agree also - think there's benefit in having some genetic variation (rigour) with diversity. How old are your chilren?
Hving been a donor a few times now I can see how much joy and meaning raising children can bring : )
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My third ad on PinkBoard
8th Dec : don't want to be a father?
Hi there! I'm looking for a healthy man aged 20-40, ethnicity open, who is willing to donate sperm so I can have a baby. I've been on this quest for some time, and just need some of that magic stuff to be able to conceive. I'm a healthy 36 y.o. lesbian, looking to raise the child
on my own. Please help me!
Thanks for your generosity!
I heard from this man twice and then never again.
Thank you for your ad.
I am interested in learning more and may be able to help as I know I have swimmers and am a godfather to a donorson who is now three, well and happy.
Kind regards
W
Wednesday, 20 December 2006
Dear W,
Thank you very much for your email. Do you live in S.A.? Please tell me a little about yourself and your motivation for donating sperm. For example, have you been tested against STDs and so on? What do you see as your relationship to donor children and their mothers? I look forward to hearing from you.
Hi
Thank you for your kind consideration & email.
Running to work but quickly say I get and will get STD tested to ensure nothing is unaccounted. Will write more.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I paid for this man’s contact details via the ADSR (Australian Sperm Donor Registry).
Thu, 01 Feb 2007
Dear D,
I wonder whether you remember me? … we had some email contact a year or two ago, but got out of touch … Actually, I was very pleased that your name came up via my donor details request, as I'd wondered how you've been going, and whether you were still interested in becoming a father.
A few other issues have emerged as I've been going through this process, so I'll run them past you now. I'd love to get your response soon, to see whether you and I might be able to make this work together.
It's my strong wish to provide the child's home. I'm not keen on the idea of sharing a child in terms of the child having to have two homes, and move from place to place each week. However, this does not preclude regular contact, and of course as the child got older, appropriate arrangements could be made, by negotiation between us,
with the child's happiness and best interests at heart.
Secondly, I've realised that it is very important for me to be free to raise the child within a Jewish context. I'm a progressive Jew, which means that my Jewish heritage is largely enacted within a cultural context, rather than a religious one. That said there are festivals, celebrations, rituals and so on that I would be continuing within the family context. It's important for me that the child's father feels all right about this, which is why I'm stating it bluntly upfront. I don't know whether that would mean in the future doing something like a Bar Mitzvah, but I'd like to keep that option open.
Thirdly, the way I live my life is fairly quietly. I'm not into
materialism, and have spent years being very poor. I now have a good qualification and expect to work part-time for the next many years. This should alleviate the poverty issue. Even so, I find the number of 'things' that kids get given and surrounded by quite disturbing. My way of child rearing is much more natural. For me, it's more important that children get opportunities to spend a lot of time at home and in parks and in the outdoors, and to do things like sport, art, music and so on, rather than getting a lot of toys and technology. I'm probably also more keen on state schooling than private.
Finally, I am also very open about alternative medicine. My family has often used osteopathic, homoeopathic and naturopathic treatments rather than conventional western medicine. It's important for me that that's ok with the child's father, as well.
Now that I've had my say, please take some time to respond, and give me some of your ideas, as well.
Melina
Thursday, 1 February 2007
Hi There
I am going to be a Travelling Nurse, but my base will be here in Adelaide so this could work out good. Firstly to answer your questions -
1. I have no problem with the child being raised in a Jewish context, I think having some religious/cultural structure is good for any child, and I think the Jewish Faith/Culture is a positive grounding, and I could learn something from it too.
2. All the alternative therapy stuff sounds great too. I am into alternative/herbal medicines myself, and considered doing some stuff to get qualified, but at the moment my singular focus is on getting qualified in the 'establishment' healthcare system.
3. I will go and get an STD test done, next week.
4. As for the Child having one house in his/her early years, yes, I agree, these are years best spent with the mother, but I hope that as he/she if he/she decides to be incarnated, would like to have contact with me, I think that there’s nothing in this world more exalted then having a little person to watch and teach to grow and thrive.
5. In terms of Materialism/Non Materialism, I think this is also a factor we have in common, I too am not rich, nor seek to be rich. I think it is more important to live in a religious/spiritual context where materialism is put aside for the basics.
Also, can I ask a few of my own questions of you ?
1. How do your present children get along with their father? Do they have access? Do they get on well?
2. Would you want my name on or off the Birth Certificate?
3. What do your children think of having a potential new sibling?
4. What would the surname be, would it be hyphenated or would the child just have your surname ?
I have enclosed a picture, could you return one of you to me?
I am keen to have a child yes, but I think judging by the nature of relationships between men and women who have had children together and the warfare which results, I am kinda keen to take time to get to know and become friends possibly? In a way, I think friendship is important, more important then having a dysfunctional relationship with someone in a romantic context. I think that this creates the impression within the child that there was no breakdown, or discord etc.
Anyway, those are my thoughts for the moment, please email me back if you think of something and I’ll do the same.
D
Saturday, 3 February 2007
Thank you for considering the surname, the last person I was considering doing this with was so fixed in her expectations and wants, it’s refreshing to find someone flexible. I think ... I also think its great that you will allow the child to know his/her paternal side of his/her family.
I did some research about child support, and for one child it would be 18% of my income. Which based on a 600 dollar a week wage would work out to 108 dollars, which is good, I could live with that. I’ve learnt to become extremely frugal over the years. I think keeping the amount of Government interference to as low as possible, because, really it’s a blunt instrument and it doesn’t know the situation of individuals, and just treats everyone the same.
I look forward to finding out the research you do regarding the legalities of birth certificate, and child support. It will be interesting to see what develops.
Regards
D
Sunday, 4 February 2007
Hi there,
Yes, you’re correct in your impression that my Saturn return was severe, sad etc. It really forced me to look at myself and I think I have learnt a lot from it. The experience with the straight woman wasn’t good, but I think it was the first time i said NO to someone, and she kinda lost the plot, which in turn made me kinda think what is this woman’s problem, and I didn’t get into her stuff, because she was so desperate to have a child. But to get metaphorical here, I see it as a baptism, I was held under the waters, and now I’ve been allowed to resurface and I’ve taken my first breath and feel revitalised.
It would be I consider, a great honour to have a child grow up and be Jewish. I don’t know what that involves, I mean is there a baptism, a naming ceremony, what are the traditions which you would like to share with the child?
I feel that the timing is good; I feel that I am entering an expansive time in my life.
I like unusual names…
Well, I think I’ve yapped on enough, and yeah I’m comfortable with the things which have come together regarding birth certificates etc.
Cheers
D
Tuesday, 6 February 2007
Hi,
I have decided that I would like to cancel our Saturday meeting. I am in the process of simplifying my life. I find that the prospect of having a child will only complicate it. Which is something I don’t need atm.
I hope you find a suitable donor.
Kind Regards
D
my (devastated) replyFeb 6 2007
Dear D,
I thought I'd just share with you what I've found out about the legal relationship between donors and children. I find it quite strange, but it is true that a father who had sex with the mother is viewed as a father with all the rights and responsibilities that go along with that, whereas a father who donated sperm that was used by the mother for insemination is not viewed as a father, and has no rights or responsibilities towards the child.
In terms of rights, this means if he wanted more access/contact with the child than the child's mother wished, he would have to fight it out with her in the family court, and there are no guarantees that he would be successful in obtaining rights. In terms of responsibilities, he is in no way obliged to pay child support at all.
In the lesbian circles I asked around to confirm this information, the predominant discourse seemed to be of fear and suspicion. Lesbians I talked to wanted their child's father out of the picture, and even when he was a "known donor" they employed strategies such as keeping track of all access in case it came down to family court proceedings in the future. I didn't talk to them about whether they welcome or accept financial support from the fathers of their children.
I found this sad, and have been thinking about it all night - even before I received your email this morning. Given that your profile on the donor registry states you "Desire to have children in an unconventional way, free from the shackles of the nuclear family", I began to contemplate what that means for the kind of relationship or family you and I had been talking about starting together.
I realised that for me, the distinction needs to be made clearly between 'husband' and 'father', and that is where my difficulties and suspicions lie. I never put you in the role of husband in relation to me or a child, because from my point of view the only part of 'family' that is important in my circumstances with regard to the father of my child, is the father role.
The problem I have with husband is the issue of duty and obligation, which of course in a traditional family is supposed to go both ways. But I don't wish to be in a situation where I am supporting the father of my child emotionally or financially, especially where (as happened in my marriage), it was not reciprocated. Not that I thought this was at all what you were suggesting - I raise this only to explain my thinking about the topic.
I also want you to know that while I respect your (earlier) stated intention to contribute 18% of your income towards child support, I think that is far too much, and would always have been open to negotiating something that you felt was achievable and equitable. However, I had not raised this yet, because I wanted to meet you in person and get a feel for how best to approach this. I imagined that with some men, raising the issue may have caused offence, for example. So with respect, if that is one of the issues you have been struggling with, please set your mind at rest.
I respect your situation, and your wish to not continue these negotiations at this time. I realise how busy you are, and how many plans you have running at various stages of completion right now. I also know that I raised the idea during one of our chats about the timing of this, because I was concerned for where you were at in your life. I will say though, that if we had a child together, I would be very happy for you to have as little contact as you needed, and for you to have more contact when your circumstances allowed. So if you do change your mind, please get in touch with me.
Melina
his reply
8 Feb 2007
Hi Melina,
Please bear with me, I just have to get my head right, I’m all over the place atm. I just want to focus on getting me cert III.
Thanks for the research, I’m unsure what I feel about being classed as not the father, despite me giving part of myself, that’s what I’m really concerned about.
D
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Here is the response from prospective no. 2 via the ADSR.
Friday, 2 February 2007
Hello there
Thank you for your email, the ASDR doesn’t give any info on you so I appreciate the detail of your email! I always find myself lost for words in these sort of situations so please excuse this :)
… I’m a very quiet type of person and work very long hours Mon-Fri, i guess that’s why I’m still single! … as I get older the desire to have children is getting stronger and is something I have always dreamed of…
The Jewish background you have should be respected and i understand that but I’m not really a religious person at all. The only issue I have with Jewish custom is with circumcision if a male child was to be born that is something I would strongly object to i hope you understand that.
The type of situation I’m looking for is to be part of the child’s life as I will be giving you a child you will also be giving me a child it has to be fair between us even when the child is young I would like to be involved and so would my family that is something for you to think about, not that I would be demanding and want to be there 24/7 but I would like to be a doting father and be allowed access even as a new born my mother and father would like this!!
Cheers N
Sun, 04 Feb 2007
Dear N,
Thank you for your emails, and I'm sorry it has taken me a few days to get back to you.
I appreciate your responses to the information I gave you, and I agree with you about circumcision, and wouldn’t inflict that on my son, either.
Why do you work at two jobs? You seem to have a very heavy workload? Perhaps you're saving for a house, or travel or something?
When I registered with the ASDR, I was given contact details of two potential donors. One happened to be someone I'd had contact with previously but was out of touch with for a year or more. This seems to be working out, which leaves you in the lurch, unfortunately. I'm sorry to raise your hopes and then let you down.
However, if you would please allow me to take a little more time to see how it pans out, I will get back in touch with you soon and give you a definite answer.
Best wishes,
Melina
Sunday, 4 February 2007
Hello again!
No problem at all take all the time you need! I hope something works out for you! Yes I do have a busy work load but I am saving so there is a reason for it … hmm a holiday would be nice! I have been let down a few times on this site so i guess I’m getting use to it but you never know :)
Anyway have a great day and good luck with your potential donor :)
N
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And prospective donor no. 3 from the ADSR
Wednesday, 7 February 2007
Dear Melina,
… thank you for your description of yourself, the ASDR didn’t give me any details of you at all ... just a text last night asking if it would be okay if my information were to be passed on....
… i'm a long time happily single 24 year old with an outgoing yet laid back friendly personality.... I discovered the ASDR because I wanted to become a father and enjoy that experience… to be honest, I was looking to add to my extended family, which would include hopefully a good friendship with the lady/couple I donated for who would be happy me playing an "uncle" type role to the child that would come from the donation union.... I would be ever so happy, if the person I donated for was a nice person, a loving mother who might be nice enough to allow me to visit at times, take me on as a non intrusive friend and maybe, if I’m lucky, might let me baby sit the baby if the need ever arose.... Being a mother already obviously wanting another proves to me that you'd make a good one... and I quite admire the Jewish faith (of what I know of it) - I have no religious background personally however, I come from a very 9-5 Monday to Friday family where Sundays were for resting off the work week and mowing the lawns as opposed to going to a church of any description....
F
Fri, 09 Feb 2007
Hi F (again),
I like your description of how you picture yourself in this scenario. An uncle-figure is great. I would want my child to know who its father was, but have no expectations on a donor to do anything other than be present as appropriate and negotiated for all concerned. I think I am a nice person... :) I would prefer to be friends with my child's donor.
Best wishes,
Melina
Friday, 9 February 2007
hello again Melina =)
…I would be really happy to meet in person whenever you would like actually =)
I'm comfortable meeting you, but I can be shy..... I've got a bit of an exterior that can come across as quite confident, but I assure you, I'll be pretty determined to impress....
looking forward to hearing back from you =)
From F. =)
Wed, 14 Feb 2007
Hi F,
It was good to meet you yesterday. Thanks for making the time to spend just getting to know each other. Very funny to find an Adelaide connection
Melina
hey !
good to hear from you, likewise, it was great to meet you the other day....... yes, it was funny to come across our connection to G, undoubtedly there would be more..... considering there’s about 6 degrees of separation keeping us from tea with the queen, I reckon living in our small little town of Adelaide suburban life, one more hour of meeting we would've worked out two more.... ;)
hope everything that came up when we met was clear and open and all the rest and you didn’t go away with overly much to think about... I’ve no doubt that if you decided to go ahead with more definite plans, we could get things in appropriate mutual order in no time flat... painful thing about the beginnings of anything bigger than sliced bread really isn’t it, with merely ideas tossed around with nothing as yet gone on paper.... where to now?
rest assured however, I liked you when we met, you're pretty cool.... so, from my side of things, I’m happy to explore the idea further if you are....
take care of yourself, hope to hear from you again soon =)
From F =)
Sun, 25 Feb 2007
Dear F,
I hope you're well, and I'm sorry I've been so slow in responding.
There's been so much to think about and do - especially on the job front, that I'm feeling like the baby thing is taking far longer than I had anticipated and I don't seem to have enough energy or time to think about it properly, let alone take action.
I really appreciated meeting you and your openness and honesty. I think you will be a great father with the right person. However, I have been "shopping" as you said, though at the time I felt uncomfortable with the idea of saying "no" to you.
It's important for me to let you know that this is nothing to do with who you are, or your motivations. You didn't offend me in any way, and it's nothing to do with your looks, either! Please don't let this dent your confidence or hope that you will find someone to have a baby with.
I'd like to wish you the very best, and good dreams that come true,
Melina
Sunday, 25 February 2007
hey Melina =)
rest assured there’s no hard feelings..... things didn’t feel right, then, they weren’t right.. it’s as simple as that....
i do hope you find the right guy and everything works out :)
I appreciate your honesty in coming forth and telling me you were pursuing other options......
thankyou for meeting with me though, I've been thinking about it actually... you being only the second person I’ve met, and having gone so far with the first, I’ve changed my opinion on the donation side of things, when I’ve realised that in this given situation, I'd be better off more removed if I were to ever go through with it...... I'd prefer to donate to a couple who would raise the child as there own, and be in the background.... or maybe, in the right circumstance, not even at all.... as long as it had loving parents and I could carry a photo in my wallet I think I might be okay with that....
all the same, I appreciated today’s e-mail, truly..... =)
I hope it all works out with you, your kids and into the future... =)
From F.
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I answered another ad on PinkBoard.
Subject: your ad on pink board Date: Thu, 01 Feb 2007
Hello Intelligent Donor,
Thanks for your ad on pinkboard. I've posted a few ads there myself, and am looking for a donor. I'd prefer my child to know its father, and would be happy for that to be annually, and build up a relationship if that worked well. However, I'm not based in Vic, and am wondering whether you would be open to such a proposition? (I would travel for the insemination.)
When you say you are a blue-eyed Australian, what does that mean?
Also, how old are you?
Hope to hear back soon,
M
Thursday, 8 February 2007
Hi M,
Let me guess, you're in northern NSW? Nimbin? Hippy!
(I used to be a hippy, but with hard work and counselling it eventually got a bit better)
There are some missing branches on my family tree, so although I was told I was English, I believe that I have a lot of German/Jewish/Austrian/Polish/Ukrainian... If I look at my relationships, my friends, the people members of my family have married, how much I love travelling in central Europe and hated living in England (don't get me wrong, it's a nice country, pity it is full of pommies)
I'm Caucasian (blue/dark-blonde), smart (top 10% of IQ), professional (strategy for a well known corporate), healthy (muscle, not fat - built more like an AFL than a Rugby player), travelled, idealistic male. Genetics is more important than most people realise and I'm glad to see you see this too.
I'd like to meet you to make sure you're not an axe-wielding psycho... or Jewish princess... :)
Your child will partly be me, and so I'm happy to keep in touch - I'm sure a bit of advice every now-and-then will be helpful. However frequent meetings will not be possible.
One thing I'm sure we will both agree on and that is that I don't trust Johnny Howard to make laws or lawyers to administer them... so lets keep this on a first-name basis. I want to make an agreement writing down how we want to do things... have a look at www.glrl.org.au/pdf/major_reports/talking_turkey.pdf
I hope you're serious about this and travelling down etc... and not a flippy-hippy...
H
Oh, and never ask a girl her age...I'm genX but almost a baby boomer (yuck!)
Fri, 09 Feb 2007
Dear H,
Thanks for your reply! My sister is in the rainbow triangle but I am (alas) in staid Adelaide. However, I like it down here. My hippyness extends to my personal politics, and doesn't involve dropping out or tripping on drugs. I am not materialistic, but I do like to be comfortable. Also my spiritual values, beliefs and views are extremely eclectic and many people find them a little unusual. Maybe that's hippy too - I'm too young to really know. I wasn't raised Jewish - my grandmother was a 1939 refugee from Vienna, and married a German immigrant in an act of teenage rebellion and with the thought that it wasn't safe to be Jewish anymore. She raised her children Unitarian, and my parents did me the same favour until we were all almost grown up, and reconnected with our Jewish past.
Enough from me now - I was pleased to hear from you, but have a busy day ahead.
I'll check out that website.
Best wishes,
M
Friday, 9 February 2007
I have only been there a few times, but Vienna is my favourite city in the World!
I'm curious..."extremely eclectic and many people find them a little unusual" Perhaps you can give me a little taste?
I have strongly held ideals also, sadly I am (as usual) ahead of the crowd and so some of my recently adopted ideals will not be socially acceptable for another 10 years... The fact is I believe in truth and I’m smart and curious enough to find it before most...
H
Fri, 09 Feb 2007
Hello again, H,
Thanks for your email. I've looked at the website and agree - an agreement is a good idea, as is STD testing and some more questions and answers. The reason I asked your age, is that there has been correlation proven between older fathers (40+) and children born affected by various aspects of the autism spectrum. Sorry for the faux pas :)
Would it bother you if I asked questions with reference to astrology? Such as "are you an Aquarian or what?
My beliefs concern time, space, lives, connections, spirit, plans, intentions and purpose. I love many Jewish rituals and festivals, but am not strict about being Jewish. I'm happy to have my own way of doing things, and to adapt. I believe in many lifetimes, and a development and intelligence of spirit which is neither linear, nor progressive. I have had various experiences of knowingness that are difficult to explain or describe. It often happens to me that I will speak to someone about things I really oughtn't to know about them.
For me, family is far more than blood-kin or people who have been consciously and legally adopted into a family. The love I feel and extend towards friends and workmates means I incorporate them into my sense of family. I have a knowingness about having more children, and this being part of my purpose. At the same time, I don't believe everything is preordained. I don't believe everything 'is meant' to happen the way it does. I've had too many bad experiences to believe I chose them. I certainly don't believe I'm being punished for (my) past. However, it becomes me to deal with what happens and in that sense I am self-determined, even in the face of the traumatic and unexpected.
Hope that's not too vague and airy fairy (hippy). A little more about me, as reading through our emails so far I realise I didn't give very much away. I am 37, live in secure public housing (a blessing) and have been a single mother most of my adult life. I am a writer, artist, activist and most recently a teacher. I intend to work part-time as a teacher as well as raising my child. I will probably be reliant on part benefits and that doesn't bother me, as I pay plenty of taxes and contribute a great deal to my community and society.
If you feel ok about it, I'd love to know a little more about you. Have you been a donor before? Do you have other children? What is your motivation in this case? Did you get many responses to your ad? (I had none!)
I'm going to be doing some writing this weekend about motherhood and fatherhood and what I've been learning of late, about the legalities and peculiarities of Australia's way of dealing with the non-nuclear. I don't expect anything from a donor, but I respect that as a potential donor, you are not just a producer of sperm, but are a human being with your own needs and your own agenda. I would like to explore this thoroughly to ensure we're on the same wavelength more or less, or have tried hard to reach a common understanding.
cheers!
Melina
Tuesday, 13 February 2007
Ah hippy-chick... :)
you guessed well... I'm Aquarian with my moon in Aquarius... double dose... a chronic idealist. What you claim you have makes me in awe (and insanely jealous)... your "experiences of knowingness" as you describe it... women with this 'nature' are just amazing and many of my girlfriends have had it... you're right, it is hard to describe, each example just sounds trite in isolation, but it is a pattern that is beyond co-incidence. Wow! On the other hand, you could be lying!
I'm glad you have your synagogue; it must be a support and make you feel relatively normal ;) Jews, unfortunately, have one of the lowest birth-rates of any ethnic group... a real pity when you realise that we tend to be very intelligent and so many important advances and artworks have been created by Jews... That's the real underlying basis of the war on terror and the Israel-Arabic thing... the Jews are becoming a minority group even in Israel, let alone the Middle East. Say what you want about Muslim religions, but they have one thing worked out and that is how to have kids... and demographics is destiny.
I only discovered my jewishness by a bit of detective work and intuition, my family have lost any cultural/spiritual connection, which is sad. I would like to look into conversion when I have some time - which is probably not until my retirement...
About older men's sperm, while this is true, the chances are very low... remember I work in marketing and statistics... an older woman is (by memory) many hundreds of times more likely to have a downs syndrome child than an older man with autism...
You're in Adelaide, a very lovely city. But do you ever come to Victoria? Or am I going to have to get the things frozen... which involves some expense for you and months of delay. What time-frame are you looking at? I doubt that I can get to Adelaide. I've decided that I want to take myself off the market after a few months... don't want to many 'mini-me's out there (although realistically, as half-siblings they are sufficiently un-related that even if they did end up in the same city and meet and were hetero and fall in love and breed, that it wouldn't be a problem... to quote a bloke I used to work with... the probabilities are two-thirds of six-eighths of sixteen-thirty-two-ths of f*ck all... To date I have two donor kids and I am working with another woman for a kid.
H
Mon, 19 Feb 2007
Hi H,
Thanks for the stats. :) Not my forte, but worrying IS a Dog trait.
I first got interested in Chinese astrology (though I'm by no means an expert) when I observed the similar personality traits in my daughter's kindergarten cohort. This was a group of Metal Goats, and they were the most colourful, strong willed, interesting individuals I had encountered. They've grown up to be mavericks amongst their peers and more conservative types such as the Metal Horse look at them simultaneously with admiration and disparagement, wishing they had the guts to be as odd and happy as they seem to be!
Of course these are gross generalisations, but observing the trends is something I enjoy on an amateurish level.
Yes, I could be lying about the knowingness, and it's something I've repressed more than I've embraced. But I'm not the kind of person who is in to lying and deceit. I find it distressing to lie, and to be lied to, so I try not to do it. It can take an enormous amount of courage to speak up, rather than lie by omission, and I'm learning that this is a good thing to do, but one must pick one's battles, rather than become exhausted through attrition.
I guess, if you've already been a donor 2- 3 times, you've been tested and retested and know the drill for preparing sperm for self-insemination? I would plan to travel to Sydney, rather than arrange for - what did you call them? :) "the things" to get frozen and sent to me. I've been charting my cycle for some time, and it seems to be quite regular, so organising that from my side would be fairly easy. It sounds like you're tremendously busy, so I'd need some idea of your availability before booking tickets!
I'm going to spend some time this week on the agreement thing. In the meantime, I've chatted with a couple of other potential donors whom I don't feel right about. I can say that as a starting point, I'm keen to be the one who makes decisions about my family, in terms of medical stuff, schooling, etc. My idea is that you as donor would be present as a real person, but not closely involved. From what we've written to one another so far, I think that's agreeable to you, but please do write more about your ideas on this, and what terms you would prefer in an agreement.
H
Tuesday, 20 February 2007
I love generalisations! Lets face it, if you can't generalise, you can't talk... What is a word, other than a concept or generalisation?
But the "self-centred" may not come from the dog, but from your jewishness... there are some real Jewish b*tches - I'm sure you know...
It would be lovely to see you in Vic... I'm in Europe through April (poor me! :) so that is out, and I'll be pretty busy before both the NSW State and the Federal elections, so that's not ideal.
How does this sound as an agreement??? Based on the GLRL template. Basically the changes I've made are to remove the pre-amble that refers to the Family Law Act, knowing that the law will certainly change, why bring up the old law?
I've added that you should refer to me as an "unknown man" especially on the birth certificate, lawyers, govt departments etc. In short, never let the lawyers get involved with anything... least of all important things and decisions about people’s lives.
In case of either of us dying etc. The other should be contacted and so I want you to put a letter with your will ("only to be opened upon my demise" Ha! Sounds like an old gothic old Edgar Allan Poe novel...) Can you add something about that to it?
Finally, if you come up a couple of days *before* ovulation, is apparently best. Also you should get a couple of deposits so my sperm are swimming around just waiting for the big one (it's the big red ball that makes dreams come true!) :)
Sun, 25 Feb 2007
Hi H,
I've attached the agreement with some changes (mostly grammatical) and the addition you suggested about our leaving a letter with our wills to contact the other if we die. I think the agreement is pretty good, but want to know your view on termination of a pregnancy if tests show abnormalities in the foetus. Does this need to be included in the agreement?
I like the emphasis on mutual agreement, and think your ideas on contact and mediation are excellent. I'm not 100% sure about the identity bit. It reads as though you want to be kept completely anonymous to the child until s/he is 18. Is that a part of the agreement that we could consider having a separate mutual agreement about? For example, could the child know your first name? Could the child talk to you during an annual phone call?
Timing is going to be tricky, as I've just accepted a teaching contract. Travelling will be restricted to when I am not teaching and when I am ovulating. I'm a little worried about how this will work now, but would like to just keep going and see whether we can make it work. Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Melina
Monday, 26 February 2007
Hi Hippy-chick!
I'm starting with the boring stuff...
Good, I wrote the agreement after a long day and I was cutting and pasting from the original version and, frankly, couldn't be bothered doing a final proof-read...
I have made three small changes... (ATTACHED)
f. The Mother agrees that if she dies or loses their mental faculties or custody of the child, the Donor should be contacted as soon as is practically possible. The Mother agrees that a letter to this effect will be enclosed with her will.
g. The Donor agrees that if he dies or loses his mental faculties, the Mother should be contacted as soon as is practically possible. The Donor agrees that a letter to this effect will be enclosed with his will.
and later
f. In the event of another party seeking details of the donor, the Mother agrees not to disclose the identity or contact details of the donor. The Mother is to describe the donor as an unknown man or anonymous donor.
and later
b. The mother agrees to do everything in her power to prevent other parties from being able to identify the donor. The mother is to describe the donor as an unknown man or anonymous donor
All your other changes seem fine.
My understanding is that legally, the child doesn't exist until it is born, and so it is entirely your choice about terminations etc. I think it would be a dreadful shame if you were to have a sub-normal child and would encourage you to have tests and abort if the pregnancy would result in your child having a disadvantaged life.
Re contact; I started with the talking Turkey "No Contact" template, and adjusted it. The early clauses are a bit tight, but as it stands the 'contact sections includes...
c. The donor agrees to receive occasional telephone contact. This would be by mutual agreement of the donor and the Mother. For example an annual telephone call.
So, yes, that's fine. First name is OK too. the word "Identity" is a means to legally identify me... full name, DOB, drivers licence etc.
I have been told that before ovulation is better than after... sperm have to swim up and they live for a couple of days (girl sperm live longer) Please you should confirm this with some medical authority...
Can you travel up during the week still?
If you can get up here for this cycle that would be great! I'm looking forward to meeting you!
OK, that's the boring stuff...
To be fair, since you're paying to get up here, I'll organise a hotel room close to the city (or close to the airport?) and meet you there? So I don't get too much of a shock... please give me a bit of a description of yourself... Let me guess..."I've got long hair blowing in the breeze, around my heart I carry a silk pouch with my birth crystal in it and I'll be wearing a hand-embroidered indian silk sari with Tibetan sandles and henna-dyed hair down to my knees..." Am I correct? ;-)
It will be fun to meet you... jew-girls are always fun (although sometimes only fun in small doses ;) If you're anything like my mental picture of the person I think you are, I know we'll get on great.
Please confirm by SMS asap if you are coming up this cycle and when, so I can make arrangements.
"service with a smile"
H
Wednesday, 28 February 2007
Hi Hippy!
Are you coming up? You've been thinking about this for months... It's what you want, and now is the right time... and I'm sure you're just a little curious to meet me...
Let’s have a chat, can you email or sms me a number so we can talk about where to go next?
H
Wed, 28 Feb 2007
Hello H,
It seems the universe is conspiring against me for March. I don't think I can make it up this weekend, I'm sorry. No cheap flights left, plus family commitments. Please don't take this as a brush off though - if we have to wait until your return from Europe, I'm willing. What date do you actually leave? I don't have a mobile, but will try and purchase one with my first paycheck (something I've been putting off - the phone purchase, though I want that paycheck!!), and will be pleased to chat then. I'm looking forward to it. Yes, I'm curious to meet you, etc. etc.
By the way, I have to burst your bubble about my hippy appearance. I did have long, flowing hippy hair for many years, but currently look quite dykey, with short straight brown hair, and a decided preference for trousers, though I do like my sandals.... Also am more of an Eastern Eurpoean peasant build - short and stocky, green eyes, baby face. Will attach a pic to a later email when I find one that's suitable.
:)
Sorry for the delay in responding to your earlier email, and look forward to hearing back from you soon and planning the trip.
Melina
Saturday, 10 March 2007
Well,
I was hoping to father a supermodel, but that doesn't sound likely... But hopefully not like something from the zoo that descended on Sydney for Mardi Gras... talk about 'people watching'
You said that this cycle was not going to happen... so there was nothing to say.
I'm leaving on Sun the 1 April and I'll be back a couple of days after ANZAC Day.
Balls (pun intended) in your court, little hippy-chick.
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I got one response to my ad in Blaze (Adelaide’s GLBT newspaper)
Saturday, 10 February 2007
Dear compassionate woman
I am a 38 yr university educated male thinking of becoming a sperm donor, I saw your advert and I would like to enquire about the what qualities in a donor you are seeking.
Thank you
E
Thursday, 22 February 2007
Dear Melina,
Thank you for replying to my email and answering some of my questions. I did not find your reply "full on" but very clear and considerate person. I do not get the impression from your email that you view males as simple sperm producers, as some people do.
At the moment I am just going through my mind the many social and emotional outcomes of donating, as you are well aware. My main concern is the welfare of any child. First of these the social environment in which this child will grow into. Do you have a strong network of family, friends and partners that will contribute to the raising your child. When I first began to think about these issues, I always thought of donating to a couple who have the support of one’s family and surrounded by other lesbian mothers. I am sorry if this is too personal.
E
Friday, 13 April 2007
Dear Melina,
Just writing to say Hi and that I have not disappeared. Just ill with a gastro bug and then the Flu. I also wonder what has been the response of your friends and family to your decision to use a donor?
Thanks E
Saturday, 14 April 2007
Hi E,
How nice to hear from you again. I hope you're feeling better. Gastro and the flu! Yuck....
In my family, my grandmother (now deceased) and my sister have been the two people in whom I have most confided. And they've always been very supportive of me. My mother and I are also very close. These are the main family members with whom I have discussed the whole idea of donors and having more children. I've also talked with one of my brothers, and with my own children. My children's responses have been interesting. They were adamant that it is unfair to bring a child into the world that doesn't know its father.
I have also talked with my closest friends about it all. Once we got past the "why on earth would you want to have more children now" conversation, they have been interested and intrigued by the whole idea. We have had many interested discussions about how it might work, and about the journey I've been on in trying to find a donor.
The idea of setting out to fall pregnant mindfully and deliberately is quite a radical concept for women who are not lesbians. And for lesbians, it's tricky because some lesbians still feel that having children is something only straight women would choose to do.
My mother got quite excited about the idea that I could choose a donor for particular attributes (such as race), and somehow create a child that was more of my choosing, than a genetic accident that happened because I was sexually attracted to a particular man. I think at that time both she and I felt finding a donor would be much easier than it has turned out to be. Actually I've discovered that the pool of choice is not big at all. If I'm going to be able to fulfil my dream, I will have to not only consider the needs and wants of the donor, but also choose to go with whoever presents himself as available and content to be a donor.
Sorry for the long response - I hope it's ok, and look forward to hearing back from you soon.
Melina
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I responded to more ads on PinkBoard. The men all seem to live interstate.
Hello,
You've made a very generous offer. I'm looking for a sperm donor, but I live in Adelaide. My ideal set up would be that my child know its father, or at least know something about its father. However, I would want to raise the child primarily on my own. Does that sound possible to you? I look forward to hearing back from you!
Melina
24/01/07
Thanks Melina. It's ok if you want to raise the kid primarily on your own, as long as I am known to the kid. But the fact that you live interstate can make it a bit tricky, unless you are willing to travel interstate. Let me know what your thoughts are and we can talk.
Cheers.
P
25/01/07
Dear P,
I owe you an apology. Very gauche, I know, but I confused you with another man who had advertised on Pinkboard. I am sorry.(He's the one who says he's an engineer and artist.) However, if you would like to continue our correspondence, I'm happy to do so.
Best wishes,
Melina
26/01/07
Dear P,
Hope you're enjoying this long weekend. Thanks for your email.
I am still interested in having a child. Very interested. Over the last few years, I've come up with a few bottom lines though, and one of them is that I want to continue to live in Adelaide, as it's a great place to bring up a family. Also, I have secure housing here, and the cost of living is not as high as in other places. Plus, my family and most social connections are here.
My living situation is that I've worked at various things over the years, and completed my qualification in secondary teaching last year. So I'm now looking at developing my career as a teacher. This has the potential for interesting, family-friendly work, and a secure income, things I consider important in planning to have a child.
A little more about me - I am 36, of European and Jewish extraction, short, stocky, brown haired and green eyed, and have two teenage children from a marriage when I was very young.
I don't know how any of this sits with you. I'd be interested to know, for example, what motivated you to advertise on Pinkboard, and what your ideal would be, in terms of fathering a child.
Best wishes,
Melina
26/01/07
Hi, thanks. I don't mind keeping talking to you. Are you still interested in the sperm donation thing?
Have a happy Australia Day.
28/01/07
Thanks you sound like a nice person. I'll be happy to keep email contact with you if you don't mind.
Cheers.
P
Hi P,
Thanks for your email. I sense that you're really looking for someone to co-parent with in Sydney. That's ok. I hope you find her! Keeping up a monthly commitment of interstate travel would be very difficult, and expensive for you.
I'd be very happy to have a Eurasian child - my family is of very mixed heritage anyway, and I have two brothers from overseas adoptions, so the more the mix, the merrier, as far as I'm concerned! And I'd be happy to fly over for the AI as well.
But I acknowledge that what I'm offering is not what you really want, so unless you feel ok about it, perhaps we should just leave it there, and hope that both of us find what we want in our own states?
I'm sorry, I don't know any lesbians in Sydney who are looking for a sperm donor.
All the best,
Melina
28/01/07
Hi P,
Have you considered registering as a donor at www.australianspermdonorregistry.net ? I've taken a look at the website, and it's very comprehensive - free for donors to register. Also, it divides donors by state, so you may have a better chance of linking up with someone in your area. I've just registered myself, and one of the questions asked is about how much contact is wanted, so you'd be able to put in your wishes, and have those considered by prospective mothers.
Melina
29/01/07
Thanks for your kindness. I have registered already but don't seem to get any response. Do you know if that website has a link to my email so when people send me a message it will bump into my email instead of my logging in that website and checking? Most of my responses are from Pinkboard.
As for your other email, just tell me about myself. I was born in China and moved to Australia in 2002. So around 5 yrs down the track. I'm working as an accountant. I quite enjoy life in Australia.
P
29/01/07
Hi again,
Thanks for your email!
I think the way the registry works is that it's up to women to contact themand ask for the contact details of any men they are interested in. It occurs to me that there is a cultural difference in Australia with regard to religion, that I thought I would share with you, in case it may make your details as sperm donor more attractive to women.
I'm not sure whether your registration lists you as "Christian", and I don't mean to offend if it is, but there are certain connotations to this designation that would make many lesbians avoid your registration.
In Australia, "Christian" is used to describe members of pentecostal and charismatic movements, as opposed to members of other churches, such as Catholic, Uniting, Anglican, and so on. The trouble with this, is that the pentecostal and charismatic movements tend to be extremely homophobic and antigay. Many women who identify as lesbian, even if they come from a Christian background, will generally not label themselves "Christian", because they feel discriminated against and hated by people from such movements.
This doesn't mean, of course, that one cannot be gay or lesbian and also Christian. There are also lesbians for whom their Christian identity is very important, and perhaps someone like this will see your registration and respond.
But most of the men who advertise on the Sperm Donor Registry would state their religion in terms of what their family was, and many of them probably aren't churchgoers. So if a man says he is Anglican or Catholic, this doesn't really mean that he attends church regularly, but that his family was Anglican or Catholic. In Australia, there have been big differences between Protestants and Catholics in the past, and even in the present generation, it is important to some people that their children are either Protestant or Catholic, rather than Christian or not Christian.
It's all rather confusing. If being Christian is an important part of your identity, and an important factor for you in terms of how your child is raised, it's going to be difficult to find lesbians whose views are similar, because of the homophobia within most Western religions (including Judaism - I'm Jewish :)
Anyway, I hope that makes some sense to you, and I hope I haven't caused any offence.
Melina
30/01/07
Thanks for your advice. I think another reason is that not many Caucasian women want their children to have Asian blood. Anyway do you have a pic? I went to Adelaide last Easter. It's nice a bit quiet though, but I don't mind being quiet. If my lover is willing to move with me there, I don't have a problem. But it appears that not many people want to.
Anyway thank you. I find you nice.
P
27/01/07
Hi, how are you? Not sure if you want to send me a Pic of yours. Or do you have a website that shows your profile?
Thank you.
Kind regards,
P
Sincerely wishing you a happy/happier day.
5/02/07
Hi P,
Sorry I didn't contact you for a week. And what aweek it was! I hope this finds you well. The last email, you said you'd talk to your lover about relocating to Adelaide... that sounds like a drastic measure to take?
Anyway, I'm hoping you will still find someone in Sydney to have a baby with. And in the meantime, I seem to have finally found someone in Adelaide that it seems to be working out with. But here's a picture of me, and please do keep in touch. Let me know how it goes.
Best wishes,
Melina
6/02/07
thanks Melina.
I didn't mean I would talk to my lover to relocate to ADL. What I mean is I wouldn't mind moving to ADL if my lover is willing to. And I don't have a lover at the moment.
I'm happy you find someone locally May things work out best for you.
Cheers.
P
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Number 2 Chinese background Pinkboard response
24/01/07
Hi there,
Saw your ad on Pinkboard. Any chance of your relocating to Adelaide? I want to have another child (or two), but can't move to Sydney at this stage.
take care!
Melina
24/01/07
Hi Melina,
Thank you very much for replying to my ad. Attached please find my detail. What is your nationality?
Although I have no plan currently to move, potentially there is still a chance we can come up with something. I mean I could fly over for you to have an AI etc. Can you tell me more about yourself?
Kind Regards,
L
26/01/07
Thanks Melina for your detailed answer. Your motivation for a child sounds very good for me. But living interstate with the child is a big challenge for me. I would ideally have regular say, once a month, contact/visit with the child though I don't have to seek an active parental role. Plus I'm not sure if you would be interested in having half Asian blood for the child as I'm Asian. And for you to travel to NSW to get inseminated is probably a big hassle? Anyway let me know what your thoughts are.
By the way, do you know someone else in Sydney who's looking for a sperm donor?
have a nice weekend.
L
26/01/07
Dear Melina,
Thanks for your reply.
My email is now fixed. We can now correspond with this.
I think your other attributes sounds suitable for me, except you are a bit far. But I believe there should be some ways to do it. I too have a lot of difficulties finding a co-parenting partner. (Very few replies) So I hope we can work something out.
Can you send me your photo?
Hope you don't mind me asking your sexual orientation (Lesbian/Bi/Hetro). Do you currently have a partner?
Firstly I am financially secured, working as a professional Electrical Engineer/Designer. I am also an amateur artist. I specialize in portraits & caricatures. It would be no problem for me to fly down for you to have AI.
With relocating, do you think it's possible for you to move to Sydney, with some financial help from my side?
Please give me a rough figure how much it would cost you, had you decided to do this.
And if you think moving is not viable, then how much weekly cost do you think to raise a child in Adelaide? (how much is my weekly contribution?) If you can't move then obviously I have to consider visiting the child less often. Maybe once a month.
Do you have a religion?
Cheers
L
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Dear L,
Thanks for sending your details. They are very comprehensive! I'm 36, and come from a European background. On my father's side, German and Scottish, on my mother's side Italian, German, Jewish. I identify as Jewish. I am short and stocky, with brown hair and green eyes. I am very healthy and strong. I have two teenaged children from when I was very young and married. I have been trying to extend my family for the past 6 years, but have found it difficult to find a donor. I have worked in office work for some time now, but have also worked as a cleaner and signwriter. I recently gained my qualification in teaching, and intend to pursue a teaching career from this year. I have secure housing in Adelaide. I am also a writer and artist.
After re-reading your ad, I realise that you are looking to co-parent, and it is a shame we live in different cities. Your idea of visiting one a week and so on, is a really good one, but it wouldn't be possible if we didn't live in the same city... What do you think?
Anyway, what kind of art work do you do?
Best wishes,
Melina
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Dear L,
Thank you for your email. I've attached a photo of me, taken in December 2005.
I've taken a look at your website. You've worked in many different art forms, and have obviously developed your skills to a high level! I have dabbled at art, and the only qualification in art that I have, is in signwriting. So I've made many banners with words, and have started to take my painting skills a little more seriously. I also love collage, and have also worked with textiles (tie dyeing and patchwork). But I haven't done much 3D work at all!
I'll answer your questions first, and then ask some more of my own.
1) sexual orientation
I am a lesbian and I am single. I've only had one partner, and that relationship broke up some time ago. It's not my priority, to find a partner, but if it happens, the woman would need to accept me as a mother as well as a lesbian. When I was 19 I got married, but this didn't work out (not only because I turned out to be a lesbian). I have two children from my marriage, aged 15 and 16. They visit their father regularly - he lives a couple of suburbs away. Prior to my marriage, I didn't have any other boyfriends or girlfriends!
2) religion
My religion is Jewish, but not orthodox. This means that for me, being Jewish is more of a cultural heritage, although there are of course celebrations and some rituals that are part of my everyday life. My family is culturally diverse. I have two brothers who were adopted from overseas. My family is very welcoming of diversity, and has accepted my sexuality without problem. My parents are supportive of my wish to have more children.
3) finances, career and housing
Financially, I am a teacher, and hope to find secure part-time teaching work in the next couple of weeks. I feel that teaching is an ideal career for a mother, and would want to work part-time, in order to have time and energy for parenting, domestic duties, and other things I enjoy, such as writing, artwork and gardening. I live in public housing, which I am entitled to keep for as long as I want. The good thing about this, is that my rent is scaled according to my income. So if I'm only working part-time, my rent is less than if I were working full-time.
I note your question about how much it would cost as a monthly allowance - I'm not really sure I know how to answer that though. This would depend on things such as whether you were named as the father on the birth certificate (which would make you legally liable to pay child support), and how much you wanted to contribute. I feel travel costs for you would be a large part of this. As the child got older, and wanted to do things such as music lessons, or sport, or school excursions and so on, perhaps an allowance would be appropriate. I think we would have to negotiate this sensitively acccording to the needs of the child.
4) relocating
I have to be very clear that I am not attracted to the idea of moving to Sydney. I have my family and support network in Adelaide, as well as my home and my other children, who would not be permitted to move interstate. For me, it's not just about the money side of things, although the cost of living is lower in Adelaide and I have my secure housing here. I believe Adelaide is a good place to raise a family, because of its climate, environment, schools, open spaces and ease of transport.
I realise this issue of distance is a real one, and I think it is important that you consider carefully whether you would be happy with an arrangement whereby your child was being brought up in another state, and you only got to see it once a month. Obviously, as the child got older, travel from Adelaide to Sydney would be possible, but the child's need for security is very important too.
Things that I think you should consider include: where would your parents, your culture, and your needs as a father fit in with this arrangement? For example, what was your motivation for advertising on PinkBoard? Do you have a religion? What are your ideas about child raising? What do you consider is important and necessary for children?
I look forward to hearing back from you!
Best wishes,
Melina
28/01/07
Dear Melina,
Thanks for your email & photo.
Despite me being gay, I think you are rather nice looking.
I'll have a deeper thought & answer your questions in the last mail in the next one.
Basically, though it's not ideal, I can accept to have a child raised in another state.
Anyway, I am a Christian. I have one request that I would regard as important. That it would be a sorrow if my child is grown up non-Christian. So would you agree to raise him/her up as a Christian?
You are also welcome to ring me & have a chat.
Regards,
L
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Dear L,
Thank you very much for your email and compliment! I'm afraid though, that I also have strong views on religion. I wouldn't be comfortable to raise a child as a Christian, because from my culture, children born to a Jewish mother are Jewish. So I think I must say at this point that it won't be possible for us to have a child together.
However, I wish you all the best in your search for a mother for your child. And I'd be happy to continue our email correspondence to see how it all goes for you.
All the best,
Melina
28/01/07
Dear Melina,
Yes, it's a pity it didn't work out.
But all the best & keep in touch.
Regards,
L
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
Questions and Answers
Here are excerpts from correspondence I have had with various prospective donors over the past few months.
R offered his sperm in response to an email his partner had forwarded to him. But his partner then raised the question of legal ramifications and I broke off contact very quickly.
Fri, 11 Aug 2006
Dear R.,
Thank you for replying so quickly! I have a couple of other questions for you - what would be your motivation in donating? Do you already have children? How does your partner fit in to this?
Saturday, 12 August 2006
Dear Melina,
It's always been a life goal for me to have children … my motivation for donating would be; I want, at least, to know that a child of mine *does* exist out there. It's hard to explain. I guess I am just hoping that in 50 years or so time there will be someone existing who can enjoy life because of me. It's a gift. We give to the next generation as we took from our parents and so on. At least that's what I like to think. Am I making much sense here? …
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P offered his sperm with no strings attached, and was willing to travel to me. He responded to my ad on PinkBoard. Could this be too good to be true? I wondered what was in it for him?
Monday, 11 December 2006
Dear P,
Thanks for your email - nice to hear from you. Have you donated before?
Hi Melina
Thanks for your reply : ) Yes I've been a donor a few times here and a few times interstate. So far there have been no fertility problems for the mother and conception occurred first time on nearly all occasions. Feel free to ask more and am happy to talk over the phone if you'd like.
Tue, 12 Dec 2006
Dear P,
This is sounding almost possible.
So...
a) Have you been tested against nasties (STDs, etc.)?
b) What is your ethnic heritage?
c) What do you look like?
d) What kind of donor relationship do you want towards the mother and the child?
Hi Melina
Yes have been tested a few times now and happy to do so any time. I think its good for children to know of their biological origins. I have developed friendships with some of the couples I've helped but also have accepted no contact until the child is 18 when that has been preferred. If you preferred no contact the occasional email or pic or phone call just to say that all is well would be greatly appreciated.
What are your preferences ?
Thursday, 14 December 2006
Dear P,
I agree with you that knowing one's biological origins is important, and would encourage that whilst remaining strong in the sense that I as mother am the one who is raising the child, and who determines how that child is
raised. Friendship with the donor is an ideal to which I'd aspire, and letter or email contact would be my preference at least for the first years. Is there anything else you'd like to know about me?
Best wishes,
Melina
Hi
I agree also - think there's benefit in having some genetic variation (rigour) with diversity. How old are your chilren?
Hving been a donor a few times now I can see how much joy and meaning raising children can bring : )
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My third ad on PinkBoard
8th Dec : don't want to be a father?
Hi there! I'm looking for a healthy man aged 20-40, ethnicity open, who is willing to donate sperm so I can have a baby. I've been on this quest for some time, and just need some of that magic stuff to be able to conceive. I'm a healthy 36 y.o. lesbian, looking to raise the child
on my own. Please help me!
Thanks for your generosity!
I heard from this man twice and then never again.
Thank you for your ad.
I am interested in learning more and may be able to help as I know I have swimmers and am a godfather to a donorson who is now three, well and happy.
Kind regards
W
Wednesday, 20 December 2006
Dear W,
Thank you very much for your email. Do you live in S.A.? Please tell me a little about yourself and your motivation for donating sperm. For example, have you been tested against STDs and so on? What do you see as your relationship to donor children and their mothers? I look forward to hearing from you.
Hi
Thank you for your kind consideration & email.
Running to work but quickly say I get and will get STD tested to ensure nothing is unaccounted. Will write more.
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I paid for this man’s contact details via the ADSR (Australian Sperm Donor Registry).
Thu, 01 Feb 2007
Dear D,
I wonder whether you remember me? … we had some email contact a year or two ago, but got out of touch … Actually, I was very pleased that your name came up via my donor details request, as I'd wondered how you've been going, and whether you were still interested in becoming a father.
A few other issues have emerged as I've been going through this process, so I'll run them past you now. I'd love to get your response soon, to see whether you and I might be able to make this work together.
It's my strong wish to provide the child's home. I'm not keen on the idea of sharing a child in terms of the child having to have two homes, and move from place to place each week. However, this does not preclude regular contact, and of course as the child got older, appropriate arrangements could be made, by negotiation between us,
with the child's happiness and best interests at heart.
Secondly, I've realised that it is very important for me to be free to raise the child within a Jewish context. I'm a progressive Jew, which means that my Jewish heritage is largely enacted within a cultural context, rather than a religious one. That said there are festivals, celebrations, rituals and so on that I would be continuing within the family context. It's important for me that the child's father feels all right about this, which is why I'm stating it bluntly upfront. I don't know whether that would mean in the future doing something like a Bar Mitzvah, but I'd like to keep that option open.
Thirdly, the way I live my life is fairly quietly. I'm not into
materialism, and have spent years being very poor. I now have a good qualification and expect to work part-time for the next many years. This should alleviate the poverty issue. Even so, I find the number of 'things' that kids get given and surrounded by quite disturbing. My way of child rearing is much more natural. For me, it's more important that children get opportunities to spend a lot of time at home and in parks and in the outdoors, and to do things like sport, art, music and so on, rather than getting a lot of toys and technology. I'm probably also more keen on state schooling than private.
Finally, I am also very open about alternative medicine. My family has often used osteopathic, homoeopathic and naturopathic treatments rather than conventional western medicine. It's important for me that that's ok with the child's father, as well.
Now that I've had my say, please take some time to respond, and give me some of your ideas, as well.
Melina
Thursday, 1 February 2007
Hi There
I am going to be a Travelling Nurse, but my base will be here in Adelaide so this could work out good. Firstly to answer your questions -
1. I have no problem with the child being raised in a Jewish context, I think having some religious/cultural structure is good for any child, and I think the Jewish Faith/Culture is a positive grounding, and I could learn something from it too.
2. All the alternative therapy stuff sounds great too. I am into alternative/herbal medicines myself, and considered doing some stuff to get qualified, but at the moment my singular focus is on getting qualified in the 'establishment' healthcare system.
3. I will go and get an STD test done, next week.
4. As for the Child having one house in his/her early years, yes, I agree, these are years best spent with the mother, but I hope that as he/she if he/she decides to be incarnated, would like to have contact with me, I think that there’s nothing in this world more exalted then having a little person to watch and teach to grow and thrive.
5. In terms of Materialism/Non Materialism, I think this is also a factor we have in common, I too am not rich, nor seek to be rich. I think it is more important to live in a religious/spiritual context where materialism is put aside for the basics.
Also, can I ask a few of my own questions of you ?
1. How do your present children get along with their father? Do they have access? Do they get on well?
2. Would you want my name on or off the Birth Certificate?
3. What do your children think of having a potential new sibling?
4. What would the surname be, would it be hyphenated or would the child just have your surname ?
I have enclosed a picture, could you return one of you to me?
I am keen to have a child yes, but I think judging by the nature of relationships between men and women who have had children together and the warfare which results, I am kinda keen to take time to get to know and become friends possibly? In a way, I think friendship is important, more important then having a dysfunctional relationship with someone in a romantic context. I think that this creates the impression within the child that there was no breakdown, or discord etc.
Anyway, those are my thoughts for the moment, please email me back if you think of something and I’ll do the same.
D
Saturday, 3 February 2007
Thank you for considering the surname, the last person I was considering doing this with was so fixed in her expectations and wants, it’s refreshing to find someone flexible. I think ... I also think its great that you will allow the child to know his/her paternal side of his/her family.
I did some research about child support, and for one child it would be 18% of my income. Which based on a 600 dollar a week wage would work out to 108 dollars, which is good, I could live with that. I’ve learnt to become extremely frugal over the years. I think keeping the amount of Government interference to as low as possible, because, really it’s a blunt instrument and it doesn’t know the situation of individuals, and just treats everyone the same.
I look forward to finding out the research you do regarding the legalities of birth certificate, and child support. It will be interesting to see what develops.
Regards
D
Sunday, 4 February 2007
Hi there,
Yes, you’re correct in your impression that my Saturn return was severe, sad etc. It really forced me to look at myself and I think I have learnt a lot from it. The experience with the straight woman wasn’t good, but I think it was the first time i said NO to someone, and she kinda lost the plot, which in turn made me kinda think what is this woman’s problem, and I didn’t get into her stuff, because she was so desperate to have a child. But to get metaphorical here, I see it as a baptism, I was held under the waters, and now I’ve been allowed to resurface and I’ve taken my first breath and feel revitalised.
It would be I consider, a great honour to have a child grow up and be Jewish. I don’t know what that involves, I mean is there a baptism, a naming ceremony, what are the traditions which you would like to share with the child?
I feel that the timing is good; I feel that I am entering an expansive time in my life.
I like unusual names…
Well, I think I’ve yapped on enough, and yeah I’m comfortable with the things which have come together regarding birth certificates etc.
Cheers
D
Tuesday, 6 February 2007
Hi,
I have decided that I would like to cancel our Saturday meeting. I am in the process of simplifying my life. I find that the prospect of having a child will only complicate it. Which is something I don’t need atm.
I hope you find a suitable donor.
Kind Regards
D
my (devastated) replyFeb 6 2007
Dear D,
I thought I'd just share with you what I've found out about the legal relationship between donors and children. I find it quite strange, but it is true that a father who had sex with the mother is viewed as a father with all the rights and responsibilities that go along with that, whereas a father who donated sperm that was used by the mother for insemination is not viewed as a father, and has no rights or responsibilities towards the child.
In terms of rights, this means if he wanted more access/contact with the child than the child's mother wished, he would have to fight it out with her in the family court, and there are no guarantees that he would be successful in obtaining rights. In terms of responsibilities, he is in no way obliged to pay child support at all.
In the lesbian circles I asked around to confirm this information, the predominant discourse seemed to be of fear and suspicion. Lesbians I talked to wanted their child's father out of the picture, and even when he was a "known donor" they employed strategies such as keeping track of all access in case it came down to family court proceedings in the future. I didn't talk to them about whether they welcome or accept financial support from the fathers of their children.
I found this sad, and have been thinking about it all night - even before I received your email this morning. Given that your profile on the donor registry states you "Desire to have children in an unconventional way, free from the shackles of the nuclear family", I began to contemplate what that means for the kind of relationship or family you and I had been talking about starting together.
I realised that for me, the distinction needs to be made clearly between 'husband' and 'father', and that is where my difficulties and suspicions lie. I never put you in the role of husband in relation to me or a child, because from my point of view the only part of 'family' that is important in my circumstances with regard to the father of my child, is the father role.
The problem I have with husband is the issue of duty and obligation, which of course in a traditional family is supposed to go both ways. But I don't wish to be in a situation where I am supporting the father of my child emotionally or financially, especially where (as happened in my marriage), it was not reciprocated. Not that I thought this was at all what you were suggesting - I raise this only to explain my thinking about the topic.
I also want you to know that while I respect your (earlier) stated intention to contribute 18% of your income towards child support, I think that is far too much, and would always have been open to negotiating something that you felt was achievable and equitable. However, I had not raised this yet, because I wanted to meet you in person and get a feel for how best to approach this. I imagined that with some men, raising the issue may have caused offence, for example. So with respect, if that is one of the issues you have been struggling with, please set your mind at rest.
I respect your situation, and your wish to not continue these negotiations at this time. I realise how busy you are, and how many plans you have running at various stages of completion right now. I also know that I raised the idea during one of our chats about the timing of this, because I was concerned for where you were at in your life. I will say though, that if we had a child together, I would be very happy for you to have as little contact as you needed, and for you to have more contact when your circumstances allowed. So if you do change your mind, please get in touch with me.
Melina
his reply
8 Feb 2007
Hi Melina,
Please bear with me, I just have to get my head right, I’m all over the place atm. I just want to focus on getting me cert III.
Thanks for the research, I’m unsure what I feel about being classed as not the father, despite me giving part of myself, that’s what I’m really concerned about.
D
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Here is the response from prospective no. 2 via the ADSR.
Friday, 2 February 2007
Hello there
Thank you for your email, the ASDR doesn’t give any info on you so I appreciate the detail of your email! I always find myself lost for words in these sort of situations so please excuse this :)
… I’m a very quiet type of person and work very long hours Mon-Fri, i guess that’s why I’m still single! … as I get older the desire to have children is getting stronger and is something I have always dreamed of…
The Jewish background you have should be respected and i understand that but I’m not really a religious person at all. The only issue I have with Jewish custom is with circumcision if a male child was to be born that is something I would strongly object to i hope you understand that.
The type of situation I’m looking for is to be part of the child’s life as I will be giving you a child you will also be giving me a child it has to be fair between us even when the child is young I would like to be involved and so would my family that is something for you to think about, not that I would be demanding and want to be there 24/7 but I would like to be a doting father and be allowed access even as a new born my mother and father would like this!!
Cheers N
Sun, 04 Feb 2007
Dear N,
Thank you for your emails, and I'm sorry it has taken me a few days to get back to you.
I appreciate your responses to the information I gave you, and I agree with you about circumcision, and wouldn’t inflict that on my son, either.
Why do you work at two jobs? You seem to have a very heavy workload? Perhaps you're saving for a house, or travel or something?
When I registered with the ASDR, I was given contact details of two potential donors. One happened to be someone I'd had contact with previously but was out of touch with for a year or more. This seems to be working out, which leaves you in the lurch, unfortunately. I'm sorry to raise your hopes and then let you down.
However, if you would please allow me to take a little more time to see how it pans out, I will get back in touch with you soon and give you a definite answer.
Best wishes,
Melina
Sunday, 4 February 2007
Hello again!
No problem at all take all the time you need! I hope something works out for you! Yes I do have a busy work load but I am saving so there is a reason for it … hmm a holiday would be nice! I have been let down a few times on this site so i guess I’m getting use to it but you never know :)
Anyway have a great day and good luck with your potential donor :)
N
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And prospective donor no. 3 from the ADSR
Wednesday, 7 February 2007
Dear Melina,
… thank you for your description of yourself, the ASDR didn’t give me any details of you at all ... just a text last night asking if it would be okay if my information were to be passed on....
… i'm a long time happily single 24 year old with an outgoing yet laid back friendly personality.... I discovered the ASDR because I wanted to become a father and enjoy that experience… to be honest, I was looking to add to my extended family, which would include hopefully a good friendship with the lady/couple I donated for who would be happy me playing an "uncle" type role to the child that would come from the donation union.... I would be ever so happy, if the person I donated for was a nice person, a loving mother who might be nice enough to allow me to visit at times, take me on as a non intrusive friend and maybe, if I’m lucky, might let me baby sit the baby if the need ever arose.... Being a mother already obviously wanting another proves to me that you'd make a good one... and I quite admire the Jewish faith (of what I know of it) - I have no religious background personally however, I come from a very 9-5 Monday to Friday family where Sundays were for resting off the work week and mowing the lawns as opposed to going to a church of any description....
F
Fri, 09 Feb 2007
Hi F (again),
I like your description of how you picture yourself in this scenario. An uncle-figure is great. I would want my child to know who its father was, but have no expectations on a donor to do anything other than be present as appropriate and negotiated for all concerned. I think I am a nice person... :) I would prefer to be friends with my child's donor.
Best wishes,
Melina
Friday, 9 February 2007
hello again Melina =)
…I would be really happy to meet in person whenever you would like actually =)
I'm comfortable meeting you, but I can be shy..... I've got a bit of an exterior that can come across as quite confident, but I assure you, I'll be pretty determined to impress....
looking forward to hearing back from you =)
From F. =)
Wed, 14 Feb 2007
Hi F,
It was good to meet you yesterday. Thanks for making the time to spend just getting to know each other. Very funny to find an Adelaide connection
Melina
hey !
good to hear from you, likewise, it was great to meet you the other day....... yes, it was funny to come across our connection to G, undoubtedly there would be more..... considering there’s about 6 degrees of separation keeping us from tea with the queen, I reckon living in our small little town of Adelaide suburban life, one more hour of meeting we would've worked out two more.... ;)
hope everything that came up when we met was clear and open and all the rest and you didn’t go away with overly much to think about... I’ve no doubt that if you decided to go ahead with more definite plans, we could get things in appropriate mutual order in no time flat... painful thing about the beginnings of anything bigger than sliced bread really isn’t it, with merely ideas tossed around with nothing as yet gone on paper.... where to now?
rest assured however, I liked you when we met, you're pretty cool.... so, from my side of things, I’m happy to explore the idea further if you are....
take care of yourself, hope to hear from you again soon =)
From F =)
Sun, 25 Feb 2007
Dear F,
I hope you're well, and I'm sorry I've been so slow in responding.
There's been so much to think about and do - especially on the job front, that I'm feeling like the baby thing is taking far longer than I had anticipated and I don't seem to have enough energy or time to think about it properly, let alone take action.
I really appreciated meeting you and your openness and honesty. I think you will be a great father with the right person. However, I have been "shopping" as you said, though at the time I felt uncomfortable with the idea of saying "no" to you.
It's important for me to let you know that this is nothing to do with who you are, or your motivations. You didn't offend me in any way, and it's nothing to do with your looks, either! Please don't let this dent your confidence or hope that you will find someone to have a baby with.
I'd like to wish you the very best, and good dreams that come true,
Melina
Sunday, 25 February 2007
hey Melina =)
rest assured there’s no hard feelings..... things didn’t feel right, then, they weren’t right.. it’s as simple as that....
i do hope you find the right guy and everything works out :)
I appreciate your honesty in coming forth and telling me you were pursuing other options......
thankyou for meeting with me though, I've been thinking about it actually... you being only the second person I’ve met, and having gone so far with the first, I’ve changed my opinion on the donation side of things, when I’ve realised that in this given situation, I'd be better off more removed if I were to ever go through with it...... I'd prefer to donate to a couple who would raise the child as there own, and be in the background.... or maybe, in the right circumstance, not even at all.... as long as it had loving parents and I could carry a photo in my wallet I think I might be okay with that....
all the same, I appreciated today’s e-mail, truly..... =)
I hope it all works out with you, your kids and into the future... =)
From F.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I answered another ad on PinkBoard.
Subject: your ad on pink board Date: Thu, 01 Feb 2007
Hello Intelligent Donor,
Thanks for your ad on pinkboard. I've posted a few ads there myself, and am looking for a donor. I'd prefer my child to know its father, and would be happy for that to be annually, and build up a relationship if that worked well. However, I'm not based in Vic, and am wondering whether you would be open to such a proposition? (I would travel for the insemination.)
When you say you are a blue-eyed Australian, what does that mean?
Also, how old are you?
Hope to hear back soon,
M
Thursday, 8 February 2007
Hi M,
Let me guess, you're in northern NSW? Nimbin? Hippy!
(I used to be a hippy, but with hard work and counselling it eventually got a bit better)
There are some missing branches on my family tree, so although I was told I was English, I believe that I have a lot of German/Jewish/Austrian/Polish/Ukrainian... If I look at my relationships, my friends, the people members of my family have married, how much I love travelling in central Europe and hated living in England (don't get me wrong, it's a nice country, pity it is full of pommies)
I'm Caucasian (blue/dark-blonde), smart (top 10% of IQ), professional (strategy for a well known corporate), healthy (muscle, not fat - built more like an AFL than a Rugby player), travelled, idealistic male. Genetics is more important than most people realise and I'm glad to see you see this too.
I'd like to meet you to make sure you're not an axe-wielding psycho... or Jewish princess... :)
Your child will partly be me, and so I'm happy to keep in touch - I'm sure a bit of advice every now-and-then will be helpful. However frequent meetings will not be possible.
One thing I'm sure we will both agree on and that is that I don't trust Johnny Howard to make laws or lawyers to administer them... so lets keep this on a first-name basis. I want to make an agreement writing down how we want to do things... have a look at www.glrl.org.au/pdf/major_reports/talking_turkey.pdf
I hope you're serious about this and travelling down etc... and not a flippy-hippy...
H
Oh, and never ask a girl her age...I'm genX but almost a baby boomer (yuck!)
Fri, 09 Feb 2007
Dear H,
Thanks for your reply! My sister is in the rainbow triangle but I am (alas) in staid Adelaide. However, I like it down here. My hippyness extends to my personal politics, and doesn't involve dropping out or tripping on drugs. I am not materialistic, but I do like to be comfortable. Also my spiritual values, beliefs and views are extremely eclectic and many people find them a little unusual. Maybe that's hippy too - I'm too young to really know. I wasn't raised Jewish - my grandmother was a 1939 refugee from Vienna, and married a German immigrant in an act of teenage rebellion and with the thought that it wasn't safe to be Jewish anymore. She raised her children Unitarian, and my parents did me the same favour until we were all almost grown up, and reconnected with our Jewish past.
Enough from me now - I was pleased to hear from you, but have a busy day ahead.
I'll check out that website.
Best wishes,
M
Friday, 9 February 2007
I have only been there a few times, but Vienna is my favourite city in the World!
I'm curious..."extremely eclectic and many people find them a little unusual" Perhaps you can give me a little taste?
I have strongly held ideals also, sadly I am (as usual) ahead of the crowd and so some of my recently adopted ideals will not be socially acceptable for another 10 years... The fact is I believe in truth and I’m smart and curious enough to find it before most...
H
Fri, 09 Feb 2007
Hello again, H,
Thanks for your email. I've looked at the website and agree - an agreement is a good idea, as is STD testing and some more questions and answers. The reason I asked your age, is that there has been correlation proven between older fathers (40+) and children born affected by various aspects of the autism spectrum. Sorry for the faux pas :)
Would it bother you if I asked questions with reference to astrology? Such as "are you an Aquarian or what?
My beliefs concern time, space, lives, connections, spirit, plans, intentions and purpose. I love many Jewish rituals and festivals, but am not strict about being Jewish. I'm happy to have my own way of doing things, and to adapt. I believe in many lifetimes, and a development and intelligence of spirit which is neither linear, nor progressive. I have had various experiences of knowingness that are difficult to explain or describe. It often happens to me that I will speak to someone about things I really oughtn't to know about them.
For me, family is far more than blood-kin or people who have been consciously and legally adopted into a family. The love I feel and extend towards friends and workmates means I incorporate them into my sense of family. I have a knowingness about having more children, and this being part of my purpose. At the same time, I don't believe everything is preordained. I don't believe everything 'is meant' to happen the way it does. I've had too many bad experiences to believe I chose them. I certainly don't believe I'm being punished for (my) past. However, it becomes me to deal with what happens and in that sense I am self-determined, even in the face of the traumatic and unexpected.
Hope that's not too vague and airy fairy (hippy). A little more about me, as reading through our emails so far I realise I didn't give very much away. I am 37, live in secure public housing (a blessing) and have been a single mother most of my adult life. I am a writer, artist, activist and most recently a teacher. I intend to work part-time as a teacher as well as raising my child. I will probably be reliant on part benefits and that doesn't bother me, as I pay plenty of taxes and contribute a great deal to my community and society.
If you feel ok about it, I'd love to know a little more about you. Have you been a donor before? Do you have other children? What is your motivation in this case? Did you get many responses to your ad? (I had none!)
I'm going to be doing some writing this weekend about motherhood and fatherhood and what I've been learning of late, about the legalities and peculiarities of Australia's way of dealing with the non-nuclear. I don't expect anything from a donor, but I respect that as a potential donor, you are not just a producer of sperm, but are a human being with your own needs and your own agenda. I would like to explore this thoroughly to ensure we're on the same wavelength more or less, or have tried hard to reach a common understanding.
cheers!
Melina
Tuesday, 13 February 2007
Ah hippy-chick... :)
you guessed well... I'm Aquarian with my moon in Aquarius... double dose... a chronic idealist. What you claim you have makes me in awe (and insanely jealous)... your "experiences of knowingness" as you describe it... women with this 'nature' are just amazing and many of my girlfriends have had it... you're right, it is hard to describe, each example just sounds trite in isolation, but it is a pattern that is beyond co-incidence. Wow! On the other hand, you could be lying!
I'm glad you have your synagogue; it must be a support and make you feel relatively normal ;) Jews, unfortunately, have one of the lowest birth-rates of any ethnic group... a real pity when you realise that we tend to be very intelligent and so many important advances and artworks have been created by Jews... That's the real underlying basis of the war on terror and the Israel-Arabic thing... the Jews are becoming a minority group even in Israel, let alone the Middle East. Say what you want about Muslim religions, but they have one thing worked out and that is how to have kids... and demographics is destiny.
I only discovered my jewishness by a bit of detective work and intuition, my family have lost any cultural/spiritual connection, which is sad. I would like to look into conversion when I have some time - which is probably not until my retirement...
About older men's sperm, while this is true, the chances are very low... remember I work in marketing and statistics... an older woman is (by memory) many hundreds of times more likely to have a downs syndrome child than an older man with autism...
You're in Adelaide, a very lovely city. But do you ever come to Victoria? Or am I going to have to get the things frozen... which involves some expense for you and months of delay. What time-frame are you looking at? I doubt that I can get to Adelaide. I've decided that I want to take myself off the market after a few months... don't want to many 'mini-me's out there (although realistically, as half-siblings they are sufficiently un-related that even if they did end up in the same city and meet and were hetero and fall in love and breed, that it wouldn't be a problem... to quote a bloke I used to work with... the probabilities are two-thirds of six-eighths of sixteen-thirty-two-ths of f*ck all... To date I have two donor kids and I am working with another woman for a kid.
H
Mon, 19 Feb 2007
Hi H,
Thanks for the stats. :) Not my forte, but worrying IS a Dog trait.
I first got interested in Chinese astrology (though I'm by no means an expert) when I observed the similar personality traits in my daughter's kindergarten cohort. This was a group of Metal Goats, and they were the most colourful, strong willed, interesting individuals I had encountered. They've grown up to be mavericks amongst their peers and more conservative types such as the Metal Horse look at them simultaneously with admiration and disparagement, wishing they had the guts to be as odd and happy as they seem to be!
Of course these are gross generalisations, but observing the trends is something I enjoy on an amateurish level.
Yes, I could be lying about the knowingness, and it's something I've repressed more than I've embraced. But I'm not the kind of person who is in to lying and deceit. I find it distressing to lie, and to be lied to, so I try not to do it. It can take an enormous amount of courage to speak up, rather than lie by omission, and I'm learning that this is a good thing to do, but one must pick one's battles, rather than become exhausted through attrition.
I guess, if you've already been a donor 2- 3 times, you've been tested and retested and know the drill for preparing sperm for self-insemination? I would plan to travel to Sydney, rather than arrange for - what did you call them? :) "the things" to get frozen and sent to me. I've been charting my cycle for some time, and it seems to be quite regular, so organising that from my side would be fairly easy. It sounds like you're tremendously busy, so I'd need some idea of your availability before booking tickets!
I'm going to spend some time this week on the agreement thing. In the meantime, I've chatted with a couple of other potential donors whom I don't feel right about. I can say that as a starting point, I'm keen to be the one who makes decisions about my family, in terms of medical stuff, schooling, etc. My idea is that you as donor would be present as a real person, but not closely involved. From what we've written to one another so far, I think that's agreeable to you, but please do write more about your ideas on this, and what terms you would prefer in an agreement.
H
Tuesday, 20 February 2007
I love generalisations! Lets face it, if you can't generalise, you can't talk... What is a word, other than a concept or generalisation?
But the "self-centred" may not come from the dog, but from your jewishness... there are some real Jewish b*tches - I'm sure you know...
It would be lovely to see you in Vic... I'm in Europe through April (poor me! :) so that is out, and I'll be pretty busy before both the NSW State and the Federal elections, so that's not ideal.
How does this sound as an agreement??? Based on the GLRL template. Basically the changes I've made are to remove the pre-amble that refers to the Family Law Act, knowing that the law will certainly change, why bring up the old law?
I've added that you should refer to me as an "unknown man" especially on the birth certificate, lawyers, govt departments etc. In short, never let the lawyers get involved with anything... least of all important things and decisions about people’s lives.
In case of either of us dying etc. The other should be contacted and so I want you to put a letter with your will ("only to be opened upon my demise" Ha! Sounds like an old gothic old Edgar Allan Poe novel...) Can you add something about that to it?
Finally, if you come up a couple of days *before* ovulation, is apparently best. Also you should get a couple of deposits so my sperm are swimming around just waiting for the big one (it's the big red ball that makes dreams come true!) :)
Sun, 25 Feb 2007
Hi H,
I've attached the agreement with some changes (mostly grammatical) and the addition you suggested about our leaving a letter with our wills to contact the other if we die. I think the agreement is pretty good, but want to know your view on termination of a pregnancy if tests show abnormalities in the foetus. Does this need to be included in the agreement?
I like the emphasis on mutual agreement, and think your ideas on contact and mediation are excellent. I'm not 100% sure about the identity bit. It reads as though you want to be kept completely anonymous to the child until s/he is 18. Is that a part of the agreement that we could consider having a separate mutual agreement about? For example, could the child know your first name? Could the child talk to you during an annual phone call?
Timing is going to be tricky, as I've just accepted a teaching contract. Travelling will be restricted to when I am not teaching and when I am ovulating. I'm a little worried about how this will work now, but would like to just keep going and see whether we can make it work. Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Melina
Monday, 26 February 2007
Hi Hippy-chick!
I'm starting with the boring stuff...
Good, I wrote the agreement after a long day and I was cutting and pasting from the original version and, frankly, couldn't be bothered doing a final proof-read...
I have made three small changes... (ATTACHED)
f. The Mother agrees that if she dies or loses their mental faculties or custody of the child, the Donor should be contacted as soon as is practically possible. The Mother agrees that a letter to this effect will be enclosed with her will.
g. The Donor agrees that if he dies or loses his mental faculties, the Mother should be contacted as soon as is practically possible. The Donor agrees that a letter to this effect will be enclosed with his will.
and later
f. In the event of another party seeking details of the donor, the Mother agrees not to disclose the identity or contact details of the donor. The Mother is to describe the donor as an unknown man or anonymous donor.
and later
b. The mother agrees to do everything in her power to prevent other parties from being able to identify the donor. The mother is to describe the donor as an unknown man or anonymous donor
All your other changes seem fine.
My understanding is that legally, the child doesn't exist until it is born, and so it is entirely your choice about terminations etc. I think it would be a dreadful shame if you were to have a sub-normal child and would encourage you to have tests and abort if the pregnancy would result in your child having a disadvantaged life.
Re contact; I started with the talking Turkey "No Contact" template, and adjusted it. The early clauses are a bit tight, but as it stands the 'contact sections includes...
c. The donor agrees to receive occasional telephone contact. This would be by mutual agreement of the donor and the Mother. For example an annual telephone call.
So, yes, that's fine. First name is OK too. the word "Identity" is a means to legally identify me... full name, DOB, drivers licence etc.
I have been told that before ovulation is better than after... sperm have to swim up and they live for a couple of days (girl sperm live longer) Please you should confirm this with some medical authority...
Can you travel up during the week still?
If you can get up here for this cycle that would be great! I'm looking forward to meeting you!
OK, that's the boring stuff...
To be fair, since you're paying to get up here, I'll organise a hotel room close to the city (or close to the airport?) and meet you there? So I don't get too much of a shock... please give me a bit of a description of yourself... Let me guess..."I've got long hair blowing in the breeze, around my heart I carry a silk pouch with my birth crystal in it and I'll be wearing a hand-embroidered indian silk sari with Tibetan sandles and henna-dyed hair down to my knees..." Am I correct? ;-)
It will be fun to meet you... jew-girls are always fun (although sometimes only fun in small doses ;) If you're anything like my mental picture of the person I think you are, I know we'll get on great.
Please confirm by SMS asap if you are coming up this cycle and when, so I can make arrangements.
"service with a smile"
H
Wednesday, 28 February 2007
Hi Hippy!
Are you coming up? You've been thinking about this for months... It's what you want, and now is the right time... and I'm sure you're just a little curious to meet me...
Let’s have a chat, can you email or sms me a number so we can talk about where to go next?
H
Wed, 28 Feb 2007
Hello H,
It seems the universe is conspiring against me for March. I don't think I can make it up this weekend, I'm sorry. No cheap flights left, plus family commitments. Please don't take this as a brush off though - if we have to wait until your return from Europe, I'm willing. What date do you actually leave? I don't have a mobile, but will try and purchase one with my first paycheck (something I've been putting off - the phone purchase, though I want that paycheck!!), and will be pleased to chat then. I'm looking forward to it. Yes, I'm curious to meet you, etc. etc.
By the way, I have to burst your bubble about my hippy appearance. I did have long, flowing hippy hair for many years, but currently look quite dykey, with short straight brown hair, and a decided preference for trousers, though I do like my sandals.... Also am more of an Eastern Eurpoean peasant build - short and stocky, green eyes, baby face. Will attach a pic to a later email when I find one that's suitable.
:)
Sorry for the delay in responding to your earlier email, and look forward to hearing back from you soon and planning the trip.
Melina
Saturday, 10 March 2007
Well,
I was hoping to father a supermodel, but that doesn't sound likely... But hopefully not like something from the zoo that descended on Sydney for Mardi Gras... talk about 'people watching'
You said that this cycle was not going to happen... so there was nothing to say.
I'm leaving on Sun the 1 April and I'll be back a couple of days after ANZAC Day.
Balls (pun intended) in your court, little hippy-chick.
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I got one response to my ad in Blaze (Adelaide’s GLBT newspaper)
Saturday, 10 February 2007
Dear compassionate woman
I am a 38 yr university educated male thinking of becoming a sperm donor, I saw your advert and I would like to enquire about the what qualities in a donor you are seeking.
Thank you
E
Thursday, 22 February 2007
Dear Melina,
Thank you for replying to my email and answering some of my questions. I did not find your reply "full on" but very clear and considerate person. I do not get the impression from your email that you view males as simple sperm producers, as some people do.
At the moment I am just going through my mind the many social and emotional outcomes of donating, as you are well aware. My main concern is the welfare of any child. First of these the social environment in which this child will grow into. Do you have a strong network of family, friends and partners that will contribute to the raising your child. When I first began to think about these issues, I always thought of donating to a couple who have the support of one’s family and surrounded by other lesbian mothers. I am sorry if this is too personal.
E
Friday, 13 April 2007
Dear Melina,
Just writing to say Hi and that I have not disappeared. Just ill with a gastro bug and then the Flu. I also wonder what has been the response of your friends and family to your decision to use a donor?
Thanks E
Saturday, 14 April 2007
Hi E,
How nice to hear from you again. I hope you're feeling better. Gastro and the flu! Yuck....
In my family, my grandmother (now deceased) and my sister have been the two people in whom I have most confided. And they've always been very supportive of me. My mother and I are also very close. These are the main family members with whom I have discussed the whole idea of donors and having more children. I've also talked with one of my brothers, and with my own children. My children's responses have been interesting. They were adamant that it is unfair to bring a child into the world that doesn't know its father.
I have also talked with my closest friends about it all. Once we got past the "why on earth would you want to have more children now" conversation, they have been interested and intrigued by the whole idea. We have had many interested discussions about how it might work, and about the journey I've been on in trying to find a donor.
The idea of setting out to fall pregnant mindfully and deliberately is quite a radical concept for women who are not lesbians. And for lesbians, it's tricky because some lesbians still feel that having children is something only straight women would choose to do.
My mother got quite excited about the idea that I could choose a donor for particular attributes (such as race), and somehow create a child that was more of my choosing, than a genetic accident that happened because I was sexually attracted to a particular man. I think at that time both she and I felt finding a donor would be much easier than it has turned out to be. Actually I've discovered that the pool of choice is not big at all. If I'm going to be able to fulfil my dream, I will have to not only consider the needs and wants of the donor, but also choose to go with whoever presents himself as available and content to be a donor.
Sorry for the long response - I hope it's ok, and look forward to hearing back from you soon.
Melina
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I responded to more ads on PinkBoard. The men all seem to live interstate.
Hello,
You've made a very generous offer. I'm looking for a sperm donor, but I live in Adelaide. My ideal set up would be that my child know its father, or at least know something about its father. However, I would want to raise the child primarily on my own. Does that sound possible to you? I look forward to hearing back from you!
Melina
24/01/07
Thanks Melina. It's ok if you want to raise the kid primarily on your own, as long as I am known to the kid. But the fact that you live interstate can make it a bit tricky, unless you are willing to travel interstate. Let me know what your thoughts are and we can talk.
Cheers.
P
25/01/07
Dear P,
I owe you an apology. Very gauche, I know, but I confused you with another man who had advertised on Pinkboard. I am sorry.(He's the one who says he's an engineer and artist.) However, if you would like to continue our correspondence, I'm happy to do so.
Best wishes,
Melina
26/01/07
Dear P,
Hope you're enjoying this long weekend. Thanks for your email.
I am still interested in having a child. Very interested. Over the last few years, I've come up with a few bottom lines though, and one of them is that I want to continue to live in Adelaide, as it's a great place to bring up a family. Also, I have secure housing here, and the cost of living is not as high as in other places. Plus, my family and most social connections are here.
My living situation is that I've worked at various things over the years, and completed my qualification in secondary teaching last year. So I'm now looking at developing my career as a teacher. This has the potential for interesting, family-friendly work, and a secure income, things I consider important in planning to have a child.
A little more about me - I am 36, of European and Jewish extraction, short, stocky, brown haired and green eyed, and have two teenage children from a marriage when I was very young.
I don't know how any of this sits with you. I'd be interested to know, for example, what motivated you to advertise on Pinkboard, and what your ideal would be, in terms of fathering a child.
Best wishes,
Melina
26/01/07
Hi, thanks. I don't mind keeping talking to you. Are you still interested in the sperm donation thing?
Have a happy Australia Day.
28/01/07
Thanks you sound like a nice person. I'll be happy to keep email contact with you if you don't mind.
Cheers.
P
Hi P,
Thanks for your email. I sense that you're really looking for someone to co-parent with in Sydney. That's ok. I hope you find her! Keeping up a monthly commitment of interstate travel would be very difficult, and expensive for you.
I'd be very happy to have a Eurasian child - my family is of very mixed heritage anyway, and I have two brothers from overseas adoptions, so the more the mix, the merrier, as far as I'm concerned! And I'd be happy to fly over for the AI as well.
But I acknowledge that what I'm offering is not what you really want, so unless you feel ok about it, perhaps we should just leave it there, and hope that both of us find what we want in our own states?
I'm sorry, I don't know any lesbians in Sydney who are looking for a sperm donor.
All the best,
Melina
28/01/07
Hi P,
Have you considered registering as a donor at www.australianspermdonorregistry.net ? I've taken a look at the website, and it's very comprehensive - free for donors to register. Also, it divides donors by state, so you may have a better chance of linking up with someone in your area. I've just registered myself, and one of the questions asked is about how much contact is wanted, so you'd be able to put in your wishes, and have those considered by prospective mothers.
Melina
29/01/07
Thanks for your kindness. I have registered already but don't seem to get any response. Do you know if that website has a link to my email so when people send me a message it will bump into my email instead of my logging in that website and checking? Most of my responses are from Pinkboard.
As for your other email, just tell me about myself. I was born in China and moved to Australia in 2002. So around 5 yrs down the track. I'm working as an accountant. I quite enjoy life in Australia.
P
29/01/07
Hi again,
Thanks for your email!
I think the way the registry works is that it's up to women to contact themand ask for the contact details of any men they are interested in. It occurs to me that there is a cultural difference in Australia with regard to religion, that I thought I would share with you, in case it may make your details as sperm donor more attractive to women.
I'm not sure whether your registration lists you as "Christian", and I don't mean to offend if it is, but there are certain connotations to this designation that would make many lesbians avoid your registration.
In Australia, "Christian" is used to describe members of pentecostal and charismatic movements, as opposed to members of other churches, such as Catholic, Uniting, Anglican, and so on. The trouble with this, is that the pentecostal and charismatic movements tend to be extremely homophobic and antigay. Many women who identify as lesbian, even if they come from a Christian background, will generally not label themselves "Christian", because they feel discriminated against and hated by people from such movements.
This doesn't mean, of course, that one cannot be gay or lesbian and also Christian. There are also lesbians for whom their Christian identity is very important, and perhaps someone like this will see your registration and respond.
But most of the men who advertise on the Sperm Donor Registry would state their religion in terms of what their family was, and many of them probably aren't churchgoers. So if a man says he is Anglican or Catholic, this doesn't really mean that he attends church regularly, but that his family was Anglican or Catholic. In Australia, there have been big differences between Protestants and Catholics in the past, and even in the present generation, it is important to some people that their children are either Protestant or Catholic, rather than Christian or not Christian.
It's all rather confusing. If being Christian is an important part of your identity, and an important factor for you in terms of how your child is raised, it's going to be difficult to find lesbians whose views are similar, because of the homophobia within most Western religions (including Judaism - I'm Jewish :)
Anyway, I hope that makes some sense to you, and I hope I haven't caused any offence.
Melina
30/01/07
Thanks for your advice. I think another reason is that not many Caucasian women want their children to have Asian blood. Anyway do you have a pic? I went to Adelaide last Easter. It's nice a bit quiet though, but I don't mind being quiet. If my lover is willing to move with me there, I don't have a problem. But it appears that not many people want to.
Anyway thank you. I find you nice.
P
27/01/07
Hi, how are you? Not sure if you want to send me a Pic of yours. Or do you have a website that shows your profile?
Thank you.
Kind regards,
P
Sincerely wishing you a happy/happier day.
5/02/07
Hi P,
Sorry I didn't contact you for a week. And what aweek it was! I hope this finds you well. The last email, you said you'd talk to your lover about relocating to Adelaide... that sounds like a drastic measure to take?
Anyway, I'm hoping you will still find someone in Sydney to have a baby with. And in the meantime, I seem to have finally found someone in Adelaide that it seems to be working out with. But here's a picture of me, and please do keep in touch. Let me know how it goes.
Best wishes,
Melina
6/02/07
thanks Melina.
I didn't mean I would talk to my lover to relocate to ADL. What I mean is I wouldn't mind moving to ADL if my lover is willing to. And I don't have a lover at the moment.
I'm happy you find someone locally May things work out best for you.
Cheers.
P
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Number 2 Chinese background Pinkboard response
24/01/07
Hi there,
Saw your ad on Pinkboard. Any chance of your relocating to Adelaide? I want to have another child (or two), but can't move to Sydney at this stage.
take care!
Melina
24/01/07
Hi Melina,
Thank you very much for replying to my ad. Attached please find my detail. What is your nationality?
Although I have no plan currently to move, potentially there is still a chance we can come up with something. I mean I could fly over for you to have an AI etc. Can you tell me more about yourself?
Kind Regards,
L
26/01/07
Thanks Melina for your detailed answer. Your motivation for a child sounds very good for me. But living interstate with the child is a big challenge for me. I would ideally have regular say, once a month, contact/visit with the child though I don't have to seek an active parental role. Plus I'm not sure if you would be interested in having half Asian blood for the child as I'm Asian. And for you to travel to NSW to get inseminated is probably a big hassle? Anyway let me know what your thoughts are.
By the way, do you know someone else in Sydney who's looking for a sperm donor?
have a nice weekend.
L
26/01/07
Dear Melina,
Thanks for your reply.
My email is now fixed. We can now correspond with this.
I think your other attributes sounds suitable for me, except you are a bit far. But I believe there should be some ways to do it. I too have a lot of difficulties finding a co-parenting partner. (Very few replies) So I hope we can work something out.
Can you send me your photo?
Hope you don't mind me asking your sexual orientation (Lesbian/Bi/Hetro). Do you currently have a partner?
Firstly I am financially secured, working as a professional Electrical Engineer/Designer. I am also an amateur artist. I specialize in portraits & caricatures. It would be no problem for me to fly down for you to have AI.
With relocating, do you think it's possible for you to move to Sydney, with some financial help from my side?
Please give me a rough figure how much it would cost you, had you decided to do this.
And if you think moving is not viable, then how much weekly cost do you think to raise a child in Adelaide? (how much is my weekly contribution?) If you can't move then obviously I have to consider visiting the child less often. Maybe once a month.
Do you have a religion?
Cheers
L
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Dear L,
Thanks for sending your details. They are very comprehensive! I'm 36, and come from a European background. On my father's side, German and Scottish, on my mother's side Italian, German, Jewish. I identify as Jewish. I am short and stocky, with brown hair and green eyes. I am very healthy and strong. I have two teenaged children from when I was very young and married. I have been trying to extend my family for the past 6 years, but have found it difficult to find a donor. I have worked in office work for some time now, but have also worked as a cleaner and signwriter. I recently gained my qualification in teaching, and intend to pursue a teaching career from this year. I have secure housing in Adelaide. I am also a writer and artist.
After re-reading your ad, I realise that you are looking to co-parent, and it is a shame we live in different cities. Your idea of visiting one a week and so on, is a really good one, but it wouldn't be possible if we didn't live in the same city... What do you think?
Anyway, what kind of art work do you do?
Best wishes,
Melina
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Dear L,
Thank you for your email. I've attached a photo of me, taken in December 2005.
I've taken a look at your website. You've worked in many different art forms, and have obviously developed your skills to a high level! I have dabbled at art, and the only qualification in art that I have, is in signwriting. So I've made many banners with words, and have started to take my painting skills a little more seriously. I also love collage, and have also worked with textiles (tie dyeing and patchwork). But I haven't done much 3D work at all!
I'll answer your questions first, and then ask some more of my own.
1) sexual orientation
I am a lesbian and I am single. I've only had one partner, and that relationship broke up some time ago. It's not my priority, to find a partner, but if it happens, the woman would need to accept me as a mother as well as a lesbian. When I was 19 I got married, but this didn't work out (not only because I turned out to be a lesbian). I have two children from my marriage, aged 15 and 16. They visit their father regularly - he lives a couple of suburbs away. Prior to my marriage, I didn't have any other boyfriends or girlfriends!
2) religion
My religion is Jewish, but not orthodox. This means that for me, being Jewish is more of a cultural heritage, although there are of course celebrations and some rituals that are part of my everyday life. My family is culturally diverse. I have two brothers who were adopted from overseas. My family is very welcoming of diversity, and has accepted my sexuality without problem. My parents are supportive of my wish to have more children.
3) finances, career and housing
Financially, I am a teacher, and hope to find secure part-time teaching work in the next couple of weeks. I feel that teaching is an ideal career for a mother, and would want to work part-time, in order to have time and energy for parenting, domestic duties, and other things I enjoy, such as writing, artwork and gardening. I live in public housing, which I am entitled to keep for as long as I want. The good thing about this, is that my rent is scaled according to my income. So if I'm only working part-time, my rent is less than if I were working full-time.
I note your question about how much it would cost as a monthly allowance - I'm not really sure I know how to answer that though. This would depend on things such as whether you were named as the father on the birth certificate (which would make you legally liable to pay child support), and how much you wanted to contribute. I feel travel costs for you would be a large part of this. As the child got older, and wanted to do things such as music lessons, or sport, or school excursions and so on, perhaps an allowance would be appropriate. I think we would have to negotiate this sensitively acccording to the needs of the child.
4) relocating
I have to be very clear that I am not attracted to the idea of moving to Sydney. I have my family and support network in Adelaide, as well as my home and my other children, who would not be permitted to move interstate. For me, it's not just about the money side of things, although the cost of living is lower in Adelaide and I have my secure housing here. I believe Adelaide is a good place to raise a family, because of its climate, environment, schools, open spaces and ease of transport.
I realise this issue of distance is a real one, and I think it is important that you consider carefully whether you would be happy with an arrangement whereby your child was being brought up in another state, and you only got to see it once a month. Obviously, as the child got older, travel from Adelaide to Sydney would be possible, but the child's need for security is very important too.
Things that I think you should consider include: where would your parents, your culture, and your needs as a father fit in with this arrangement? For example, what was your motivation for advertising on PinkBoard? Do you have a religion? What are your ideas about child raising? What do you consider is important and necessary for children?
I look forward to hearing back from you!
Best wishes,
Melina
28/01/07
Dear Melina,
Thanks for your email & photo.
Despite me being gay, I think you are rather nice looking.
I'll have a deeper thought & answer your questions in the last mail in the next one.
Basically, though it's not ideal, I can accept to have a child raised in another state.
Anyway, I am a Christian. I have one request that I would regard as important. That it would be a sorrow if my child is grown up non-Christian. So would you agree to raise him/her up as a Christian?
You are also welcome to ring me & have a chat.
Regards,
L
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Dear L,
Thank you very much for your email and compliment! I'm afraid though, that I also have strong views on religion. I wouldn't be comfortable to raise a child as a Christian, because from my culture, children born to a Jewish mother are Jewish. So I think I must say at this point that it won't be possible for us to have a child together.
However, I wish you all the best in your search for a mother for your child. And I'd be happy to continue our email correspondence to see how it all goes for you.
All the best,
Melina
28/01/07
Dear Melina,
Yes, it's a pity it didn't work out.
But all the best & keep in touch.
Regards,
L
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