Birthday (2009)
© Melina Magdalena (2009)
1.
Gestation
becoming
rotating
nesting
listening
growing
moving
beating
beckoning
being
2.
Birth (one)
Shocking, bleeding, mess
Sucking, pulling, contracting
Bones shift, so that I become
Time stops – until
I arrive
Heart pumps
Lungs fill
Mouth opens
3.
Enslaved
Coming to was like
A growing awareness
Of a gnawing pain
So chronic it had passed unnoticed
As we had passed our years, our lives, our every days
In bondage.
Awareness changed to shame
Stripped to bare bone
Naked indiscretions exposed
To all and sundry
With nothing at all
To clothe ourselves
Or hide our shame.
No dignity
No shelter
No pride
No selfhood
No safety
We strove mightily
Under these conditions
Until
One magical day
Shame changed to rage
Anger stirred our hearts
We rose up as one
And departed from that place.
4.
Birth (two)
The Red Sea was no easy passage.
Wild waters rising up on either side,
Meeting far above our heads.
We ran for our lives
Through the narrow strait
Never questioning
Our final destination
Never stopping
To look back
At what we were running from
We lost our breath
And still the pressure
Of all that weight of water
Pushed us further in, further out.
Our blood drained of oxygen
We breathed water once more
Until, reaching the distant shore,
Every bone softened,
Every sinew stretched to breaking point,
Every muscle burning,
Drowned of thoughts and understanding,
Collapsed amongst the reeds
Allowed our lungs to fill
With the dry desert air
The taste of freedom
Reborn
Despite our never having planned this, either, of course
These things just happen.
But why do they happen to us?
5.
40 years of wandering
And now…
wandering
for forty years
through this desert
calling, calling
knowing this for certain
that all my plaintive melancholy
is all for this – for I am homeless
Wandering for forty years
fording creeks of fire
wallowing through quicksand
begging it to pull me
Down Down Down
into the bowels of the earth
where my skin might disappear
and where my bones might melt
into some form of someone else’s making
wandering for forty years
without guidance
without language
without purpose
without direction
without companion
without –
whilst within dull numb deadness
grappled in vain with turmoil and chaos
wandering wondering wandering
lack my defining characteristic
6.
This desert
This wondrous desert sand
red of the blood in my body
yellow of my skin
sticks to the hairs on my leg
creating friction between me
and the world that I live in
This miraculous desert sky
enfolds me in its depth
shelters me in peace
creates a veil that hangs between me
and the world I live in
This mysterious desert water
fragrant and life-giving
a well-kept secret
nourishes me
comes up and goes under
And around the world I live in
This treacherous desert path
wending and winding
un-mappable and mutable
a bridge that is teaching me
about the world I live in
These desert stars are music makers
moving of their own accord
offering hope amidst an inky sky
illuminating sternly,
the world in I live in
This unforgiving desert sun
casts shadows
makes wrinkles
causes thirst
a necessary solo star amidst a cast of millions
makes possible the world I live in
7.
Death by dessication.
Death by dessication.
Is this not what each of us faces?
Climate change our collective doom?
Souls shrivel, ideas wither, feelings die
Without lifegiving water to nourish them.
Death by dessication.
It’s a slow and painful attrition.
From the inside out,
Marrow crumbles to dust
Creative juices evaporate into thin air
Air cuts its way in and out of our lungs
With no attenuating moisture
to soften the blow
of every breath
Blood ceases to flow
Tongue loses its saliva
Eyes lose their tears
We have nothing left to give.
But before the death comes the living.
Nourished by means
We are unable to comprehend
Manna falling from the sky
Like snowflakes raindrops hailstones
Bringing us briefly to life again
Each time, each time, each time.
Life of dubious value
When it is borne of sameness
Repetition hones the senses
Until senselessness becomes our only escape.
But life nonetheless
Is what propels us
Footsore
Heartsore
Longingly
And clueless
From one end
To the other
And back again
We dared not leave the desert
For fear that what lay beyond
Might be even worse
Than the nothing that we had now
Or what we had left behind.
Fear marked us out
Drove us on.
8.
Letting Go
Fear and love
The driving forces
Loving nothing
Keeps us in limbo
Fearing
Keeps us in stasis
Fear and hope
Dichotomous poles
Hoping for something
Propels us to strive
Fearing
Renders us invisible
Fear and anger
Two sides of the same coin
Anger’s energy
Can bear poisonous fruit
Fear
Remains barren
Fear and Joy
Cannot co-exist
While joy
Banishes fear
Fear
Destroys all joyous potential
Sooner or later
We all have to choose
Fear
Or
Love
9.
Promised Land
I never dreamed of riches.
I never dreamed of love.
I never dreamed a wet, tropical night,
Lying fertile beneath a sky
Spread with sparkling jewels
Of promise, of hope, of a future
Crowded with possibility.
I never dreamed of those high places.
I never dreamed of climbing down.
I never dreamed of pointing out the crevices
Neither crushed, nor giving in
Each holding for dear life, what we consider precious
Reaching for a place of mutuality
In this process of transformation.
I never dreamed of strength.
I never dreamed of giving back.
I never dreamed that being intertwined
Mingled, nested, overcome by togetherness
Could feel like a new kind of freedom
Each of us in loving one another
Thereby loving ourselves.
I never dreamed of a companion.
I never dreamed her sweetness.
I never dreamed a partnership so vital,
With liveliness and laughter
Of unexpected pleasures and discoveries
Of family, of friends, of a lifetime
Of growing into one another.
10.
Decades
0-10 Birth growth movement food family friends language love wonder child
11-20 Teenage alienation depression aloneness school travel stain mark fail work
21-30 Growing learning cooking cleaning driving making moving sewing talking mothering
31-40 Resources choices support companion network prayer garden work loving life
