Sperm Donor Adventures: the eighth installment
The Am I or Aren't I Saga
(c) Melina Magdalena (2007)
Thursday 4 April 2007
Hi Melina and everyone,
Wow, I'm so excited that you may/will be trying in about 7 days. I have felt like I have been on a rollercoaster with you just getting to this point, but I lost track of the story here and there. But I'm glad everything is back on track.
L
Wow Melina, I always feel like i have missed a post with you, things change so quick or do they??? iam always a bit lost with you lol, well goodluck another dream starting its journey. Are you just doing one insemination or a few in that 14 hours????
Fingerscrossed
LL
Hi Melina,
L and I wish you lots of and lots of luck :)
I hope you all had a good Easter and that you'll have fertile and
happy rest of the week!
Lots of love,
D
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Friday 13 April 2007
My whirlwind trip to Sydney on Wednesday was interesting. The donor was really gentle and respectful, because OMG what an awkward situation - he'd obviously developed his own way of communicating the stuff, though this was a first for me. We used mobile phones to 'prank' one another at crucial stages, and went for walks on our own around the neighbourhood while the other was doing his/her thing. It makes me smile, because even here on line I find it hard to articulate any of this.
And anyway I have no feeling either way whether it worked. No desire to run for the wee sticks or count the days. It is all somewhat surreal. Although the day itself was magical. It is amazing to be able to see the sun rise and the sun set and travel across the continent and feel so present, so together, so here and so 'this is right'. Very nice.
Melina
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Saturday 14 April 2007
Hello everyone.. and Melina..
Hey brave grrl.. you did it!! ..you're no longer a bystander .. you jumped and you're free falling.. enjoy the journey.. we're here with ya..
M & R
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Sunday 15 April 2007
More pleasant stuff; congrats Melina on the insemination! ! Am sending fertile thoughts to you.
N
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Monday 16 April 2007
Wow! Congratulations. Easy as that .... I'm inspired!
Melina
Hi everyone...
Just thought we would drop in to keep you updated!
We weren’t going to post until when we had got the definite from the Dr but … I have not yet got my period and it is due!!! We ended up doing 2 pregnancy tests and both have come back with a faint double line!! Me being the sceptical person that I am I have not let myself believe that it is positive, and I will not until I have been to the Dr to have the blood test!
L and D I’m sorry to hear the news. But stay positive and I’m sure it will happen soon. We are thinking of you both.
K & L
Dear D,
I'm sorry to hear your news, and wish you better luck next time. Don't give up! And I hope the period pain clears quickly. I always imagine that this pain is a reminder from my body to me that it wants to grow a baby, so maybe yours is getting some extra practice in preparation for June.
Best wishes,
Melina
Hi everyone,
I took a first response test on Friday (two days before my period was due) and it was negative so I wasn't that surprised when I got my period today. I've been left feeling reflective and glad that at least the 'waiting to know' part is over. - Though of course it would have been better if it had ended with a positive and not a negative.
It does seem cruel that I get my period, which is disappointment enough, but I've also had terrible period pain (talk about adding insult to injury!)
Lots of love,
D
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Thursday 19 April 2007
Hello Everyone,
I'm feeling rather foolish at the moment, but not in a bad way. I'm trying to stop my feelings, because I know I could be left as devastated as any of you if I get the news that I didn't conceive. Not easy, is it?! I can now totally relate to some of people's comments about the assumption that because lesbians go about the conception process with such deliberation, (as opposed to heterosex blind chance:), I fully expect to have conceived on the first go. Which I know in my head is unlikely. But how does one stop those feelings even when one knows that they are likely to leave one feeling worse in the end, and not better? And then on the other hand I am so susceptible to seeing signs in everything that it's so easy to build up my hopes. So it's the old heartstrings and gut instinct versus the head logic I guess. And nothing to do but wait and hope.
Melina
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Friday 20 April 2007
thanks M .... my backache is probably from the gym .... and if not well there's always next month ....
Melina
hey Melina.. hugs.. it’s an anxious time .. waiting.. breathe.. :) m
Hi R,
I feel a bit weird actually. Wonder whether I conceived and miscarried? Too early to know really. Will have to wait another week or so before knowing whether my period comes as usual.
happy weekend,
Melina
Hi C and K,
Good luck from me, too.
I'd forgotten the smell of semen when I did the insemination. Nearly made me gag. At least there are two of you so you can laugh over things like that!
Melina
Hi C & K,
I nearly missed that you had just done an insemination. Finger's crossed for you. You're using a known donor aren't you? That's really good because I think there's a better chance with non-thawed sperm!
Good luck!
D
Hi there K,
wonderful news! hope it keeps going so smoothly. isn't time a strange thing - can it really be 4 weeks already?
Melina
Hi everyone,
Just thought I'd drop in to let you know that we went to the Dr today and he gave us the thumbs up... yes we are pregnant! Oh and Melina... all the best! We have our fingers crossed for you!
K
Hello Everyone,
I really didn't mean to get you down with my posts about gender and fathers and stuff. Sorry about that. It's a fraught issue with me.
This week I read a new book about autism. Having a child with autism is something I've been scared of for a while. I think I'm just gaining some perspective today about the fact that none of us are perfect; we all have our quirks; we all have things to deal with, things to learn and things to teach. I think I'm getting back in touch with what it is to love.
So I do feel inspired and I believe it's a sign that I found you when I did. I also believe it's a sign that I didn't get my period when I didn't, because it caused me to rethink the donor situation. And I will continue to direct loving, protective thoughts to my tummy - I like what you said M, about living in this bubble of possibility. It is DELISH!!
Melina
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Saturday 21 April 2007
Hi
Reading this thread has brought back more than a few revolting memories!! I know at the clinic when we had AI they would give me a sanitary pad to wear after the insemination. I could always smell the sperm smell and would end up getting home and having to shower and remove the panty liner with gloves!! It amazed me how my friends (het) would talk about having sex just before going to work..... I couldn't bear sitting around all day without showering!!!
E
Hey
All the best guys fingers crossed. Now I have to say it does smell doesn’t it, on my first insemination I vomited about 4 times I was in the art gallery and had to run to the toilet,
everything just smelt of it. I had to do draw it up as quick as possible and hold it away and kinda hold my breath. Ha hah I hope no one has a weak stomach, I just had to comment because I thought something was wrong with me, or maybe I just was so not attracted to guys I found the smell really off. lol
L L
Hi everyone
Yes, you're right Melina, we can laugh about it. Last night, K had a running commentary going as she set it all up: "Ooh there's a lot of it tonight, Ack, it's really smelly And quite goobly"
And that's when I said "Ok, that's enough information! " [:o]
When can you test Melina?
Hi there everyone,
I feel vindicated. At least, given all your success stories with using donated sperm, my aversion to semen can't be viewed as a reason that might prevent conception and pregnancy!
Melina
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Tuesday 24 April 2007
Hi Everyone,
I'm scared about being pregnant in front of my adult students. How silly is that? I don't know whether I'd ever feel comfortable coming out to them as a lesbian. As a single mother yes - I am already and they know I've been married and divorced. So this is an impending challenge, as since it's not my first baby I won't be invisibly pregnant until 5 weeks before its birth, (as I was with my first!)
Melina
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Wednesday 25 April 2007
Hi,
Feeling definitely premenstrual - due tomorrow. If no period I'll do a pregnancy test on Friday. Have noticed a pronounced sensitivity to smells, am worried constantly about toxins, am tired, and slightly queasy much of the time. Never got morning sickness with prior pregnancies, but this may also be because I was out of touch with my body sensations. Anyway, just wanted to share this with someone.
Melina
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Thursday 26 April 2007
Hi Melina,
I wish you sooo much luck and hope that darn period stays away :)
Love,
D
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Friday 27 April 2007
Hello all, no pregnancy, no period, I think I must be infertile save for my very fertile imagination.
oh well
ho hum
Melina
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Saturday 28 April 2007
Hi everyone who has reassured me that maybe I shouldn't decide on the basis of one failed insemination that I must be infertile! lol I really appreciate your messages.
I've decided my cycles must be erratic. I've started a new plan to take my temperature every morning and test for ovulation every day. On the other hand, I was so sure I had conceived that I'm not 100% about having mistimed the last insemination. But still no period which could mean (a) no ovulation this cycle or (b) longer cycle this time around. Which makes me think I could be ovulating any day now. But my donor lives in Sydney, so if I happen to be ovulating, I might have to fall back on the phantom plan of propositioning the good-looking Greek guy in the mobile phone store for some sperm and taking a chance he's as healthy as he looks (it's a phantasy people not a plan of action!).
It does feel better to have a plan I can start on.
thanks again,
Melina
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Sunday 29 April 2007
Hello
Sorry for my obsession with this, but I have nowhere else to express my anxieties or exhilarations. Tedious for readers perhaps ... ?
Still no period. I talked to my sister yesterday and did another pregnancy test today. The box I bought said it had 3, but seems to have 5. My sister recommends that if I'm not pregnant I should see a herbalist and get some herbs to regulate my cycle. One she mentioned is Chaste Tree, which apparently was used by monks in an effort to curb their libido. It has the opposite effect on women in terms of maintaining and promoting fertility. :)
I'm trying not to be anxious. But I feel a little down. So I googled "Late confirmation of pregnancy". I was wondering
a) maybe my body doesn't produce enough of the hormone to be detectable or
b) maybe I'm just not pregnant?
And I found a link.
I read through the information which discounts the claim on home pregnancy tests that they are 99% accurate 2-5 days before the missed period. It says that the levels of the pregnancy hormone are OFTEN undetectable before a week after a missed period.
Of course now that I have found some reason for renewed hope (which is admittedly a better possible prognosis than peri menopause at 37 years of age), I'll probably relax enough to let my body begin to menstruate.
Or maybe not.
I won't be holding my breath.
Melina
Hello everyone.. and Melina
..you poor chook.. i know what that is like.. wanting something really badly.. and not being sure if your judgement is off cos you really really want it to be the case....and you are there on your own.. ok..
..some clarity q's..
- is your period usually regular.. ?? Y/N
(weren’t you charting your cycle b4 you finally inseminated. . i seem to recall)
-what date did you calculate that your period was due ??
..you know.. some clinics don’t rely on home pregnancy tests at all.. I have a work mate who is the same no. of weeks as our L.. and she was told to wait till she missed a period and then book in for a test..
-its pointless at this point to ask you do you have any signs.. cos your head is in a spin... again.. i so know that feeling.. (not now anymore.. but I've been there)..
hugs.. M
Thanks so for your responses (glad you're online!)...
I just went for a big walk in this lovely lovely rain and feel somewhat better. I don't do inactivity well at all. Anyway, I realised it's not so much a case of wishful thinking (though if I did turn out to be pregnant and the baby was healthy what a bonus that would be!). I keep thinking of Mel in "Queer As Folk" who inseminated once and kept getting negative pregnancy tests but kept on keeping on until the test confirmed what she knew. So not so much wishful thinking as I wish SOMETHING would happen to let me know either way, because then I could keep going. I feel like I'm spinning in space, unable to break the inertia. So I'll continue to take my vitamins and minerals; I'll continue to chart my cycle (mucous, temp etc.) and see where the journey takes me next.
Melina
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Monday 30 April 2007
Hi Melina,
There is nothing worse than being in the limbo, you just need to know, so you can either jump with joy and continue with the knowledge of a confirmed pregnancy or allow your self to grieve for a moment with the knowledge of a confirmed non pregnancy. Anything else is just plain torture.
I had a false negative pregnancy test with S but I have also had many negatives with lots of symptoms and late period.
I once read women have a lot more miscarriages than are report because often they happen so early that they are a period. So I have a sneaky suspicion that many of use have tiny two minute pregnancies just don't continue but give us late periods, so not all of it is in our heads although probably most of the time it is.
I hope you get a confirmation of a beautifully healthy baby.
And also if you need to or haven't done so already, you could go to the local doctor and say that your trying to get pregnant and you want some tests done for iron levels and also a blood test (sorry don't know what its called) that tells you whether your ovulating, I think its done on day 25 or something. Or any test that the Dr recommends giving you some better ideas. It just might be a cost efficient way to get some basic tests done. Iron levels are extremely important, if your iron levels are low, you body will not allow a pregnancy.
I don't think you have fertility problems and yes you do have a fertile imagination. My prognosis is "all or nothing thinking". ie, If First time pregnancy attempt doesn't work, your mind goes straight to early menopause : )
Hoping it all turns out well
L
Thank you lovely,
I can see you know exactly where I'm at, at the moment, and have been there... What you say about tiny two-minute pregnancies is something I can sense as well. What I don't quite understand is the mechanics of how that translates to a later period. I think I shall get myself checked out medically and herbally. It can't hurt!
Melina
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Friday 4 May 2007
Hi
You asked about my state of play - I appreciate that, as I've been lying low and sometimes feel somewhat invisible on here! I told myself I wouldn't test again for a week, so that was today. And after dreaming vivid dreams of two thin pink lines, there was still only one, so I really am not pregnant unless the tests themselves are faulty!
I was all set after the negative test this morning to call the doctor and get a blood test instead, but then I looked back at my charting and discovered that although my cycles from October to March were regular 26-day cycles, my March-April cycle was 35 days. I'm now on day 34, still no period, so I'll wait for it tomorrow.
As for how I feel - I really did feel pregnant for about a week. And maybe I was and lost the baby/foetus/possibility. Lately, I haven't felt quite the same. I like the idea of being pregnant, but I'm not nauseous at all and have no other symptoms.
If my period doesn't come soon, I will go to the doctor.
In the meantime, here is my vitamin regime (I'm so glad I don't have to take all those medications, but it would be ironic if I got diagnosed with something like PCOS and ended up on them. I can't imagine much worse than that...)
MORNING 2 x Blackmores pregnancy and breastfeeding, 2 x 500mg Vitamin E, 2 x Super Vitamin C / EVENING 2 x Caltrate Plus, 1 x Zinc+B6, 2 x Super Vitamin C
The changing cycle stuff could be, I suppose, a reaction to this newish regime (I'm paying more attention to in than previously when it was a little sporadic). The first missed period was last year during my fitness program, and I thought it was triggered by increased activity.
By the way, all this so called fitness and I haven't lost an ounce of weight. Yes, I'm sure I still eat too much, but I do feel far fitter and healthier for it. Sadly, thought, I haven't managed to go to the gym once this week!
Enough information.
Melina
Hello Lovelies …
,,, Melina you’re an amazing woman, and an awesome writer, and one day some very smart woman is going to come along and snap you up! But it’s so great to be happy on your own, because then when a relation ship comes, it’s a bonus.
So much more I could say. Lots of emotions these last few days – hopes and fears and disappointments, deep sadness and even deeper joys. Goddess blessings to all, for fertility, for relationships, for satisfaction and fulfilment, courage for the journey, rest for the weary, and hears ease for the grieving. You’re all awesome women, and it’s a privilege to share the journey with you all.
Much love,
S
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Saturday 5 May 2007
Hey chickens,
Sorry I haven’t been able to reply as much either, as M said, it’s one of those times for me … but I am still reading every post and thinking of you all … especially you Melina … you are very present here my sweets ….
hey guys I just wanted to say hi, I am reading the posts but not replying, you are all in my thought and Melina a big hug to you girl xo
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Good morning, I have no time to write today, but wanted you to know how much your messages mean to me - thank you. here I go....hope you all have a good one... I'll check in later...
(still no period, and I believe I may be pregnant)
Melina
Sunday 6 May 2007
Hello everyone.. and Melina...
..ok Ms Muffin.. you cant just sign off with "believe i may be pregnant" .. please explain :)
M
...w...e...l...l...
a few things made me sign off that way.
:-)
1) If I commit either way the opposite will happen (magical thinking)
2) Thinking about the PCOS and arthritis discussions, I realised I'm able to tolerate bread, which is something I don't eat much of normally and that I ate a lot of whilst pregnant and married, so this is an anomaly (dietary change)
3) Remembering the weird session I had in the gym the week after the insemination, it felt as though I were being communicated with to say - hey if you don't stop all this jumping around, I'm going to find it very very hard to hold on and stay. I stopped jumping around. Then on the Friday I got a bad backache and thought this was somehow an adverse reaction to conception and whatever you call that time when the new being lodges itself in the uterus, but it was purely and simply a bad back from overdoing a particular exercise, so maybe stopping jumping around did the trick, I don't know! (strange unexplainable spiritual leanings)
I will go and see a doctor on Wednesday. But now I feel like as soon as I make the appointment, my period will start! So I'm telling myself that I'd need to see a doctor either way, because if I'm pregnant and the hormone is not showing up on the urine test perhaps there's something wrong, and if I'm not pregnant and my cycle is all messed up I need to get that sorted out, too.
but anyway my period has not started, and while I've had waves of sensations that are kind of menstrual like, they have come and gone very quickly. I was teary yesterday for many reasons, and normally would bleed that day, but I didn't. I may still bleed... if I do, it's not the end of the world, even though I openly committed myself to my wish
I will let you know!
Melina
............ sorry for your news, C & K .......... virtual hugs and hopes for next month's timing, hey? ............
Melina
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Wednesday 9 May 2007
Hi Everyone,
Weird things are happening around me. My car wouldn't start Monday night when it had run perfectly all day, and I got to spend a relaxing though productive evening alone, rather than go to a forgotten meeting out of duty. Then this morning I woke at 3:30 anxiously, finally got up around 5 and spent an hour trying to get the computer to work, to no avail. Left it in peace until just now, and now it suddenly works again.
Which is just as well, because I've been anxious to let you know what's been happening with me. (I hope L wasn't logging in from work all day hoping to get news the universe wouldn't let me post! :-)
I am probably not pregnant.
If I were pregnant, it would probably show up on the wee tests, but it doesn’t.
However, I still could be pregnant.
I was reassured when I saw another doctor today - I squeezed into a cancellation after a demoralising visit to an unsympathetic patronising old geezer yesterday after work - and was able to ask questions such as
- am I having a phantom pregnancy? (possibly)
- if the pregnancy were ectopic, would it still show up on the wee test? (yes)
- shouldn't it be showing up already? (yes)
- is there still a possibility I'm pregnant? (yes)
- how will I know? (only time will tell)
- if I am pregnant and it's not showing up, does that mean there's probably something seriously wrong? (there is no correlation)
it's so bloody frustrating!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I have not given up hope. The doctor this morning wrote me a form to get my blood work done, and suggests I do that next week if my period still hasn't come. She also checked my urine this morning for blood, but there was none. She said that if I'm not pregnant, I can only wait for my period, and that it will probably be extra extra heavy, due to the length between cycles and the possibility that if I get a period now it will also be a miscarriage.
Not the most cheery of news, and inconclusivity never sits well, but what can I do, but settle back and enjoy my phantom pregnancy. And if, after 9 months, all I hatch out is a little imaginary spirit baby, at least my body will have had a rest from the painful relentless heavy bleeding it normally has to endure, and I may have saved a few dollars on sanitary pads! LOL
Melina
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Thursday May 10 2007
hi Melina......I'm going with your....'I still could be pregnant'...statement until proven otherwise......after all pregnancy does different things to us...
...hope you have a peaceful day......hugs...
A
Hey L,
you and me both!
I don't want to make a call either way.
thanks
Melina
Oh Melina,
I read your message at the bottom of this post. Your baby be it real or phantom is driving me CRAZY (Again in the nicest possible way) : ) I can only imagine what you must be going through. I'm still hoping for you. Waiting on the edge of my seat. Praying to the Universe for you.
Chin up Melina and soldier on.
L
Ohhh Melina, that all sounds so frustrating for you. Is it possible just to tell the damn Dr to shut up and do a blood test so you can know asap...
LL
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Friday 11 May 2007
What wonderful news!
Our news is that we found out on Tuesday that we're having... A GIRL!!!
She's doing great - correct size for dates …
K & S
Hello friends …
Today was our special day to receive some good news...we are so thrilled...I just cant explain it... The results were meant to come around 2pm, when they rang and said there would be a delay....it was so hard to wait, I felt so sick, so we went for a long walk. Just as we arrived we got the call... S's hormone levels are very high, so they suspect twins, but cant say for sure...
Thank you so much my friends for all being so great...its still early days for us...so we are only telling a few close friends...(which includes all of you!!) BIG SMILES over here...thinking of Melina and L and R and everyone wanting babies in their lives.... just keep the faith...
L & S xx
Dear E,
Thanks for your support. Your messages are always so thoughtful! And it's now Friday morning and I was "sure" my period was starting last night but it DIDN'T. I feel ridiculous really, but it is more fun to be able to share it all on here. Sorry to put you all in the most excruciating of spectator ringside seats.... LOL
Melina
Hi Melina,
This wait is absolutely excruciating for me so I don't know how you are doing it!!
Fingers crossed that it is the outcome you are hoping for.
E
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Saturday 12 May 2007
hello everyone.. and Melina
We are thinking of you grrl... be brave.. when will ya know the results..??
M (& R)
Dear K And S And Baby Girl,
What special news. This has been a night of double-blessings.
Congratulations.
Melina - blood test this morningHello All,
I went to Gribbles this morning for blood tests, but results won't be known before Tuesday. I'll call my doctor Wednesday to be on the safe side. How it's d _ _ _r _ _ _a _ _ _ g _ _ _g _ _ _i _ _ _n _ _ _g. So anyway before I woke up this morning I had an unusual kind of dream (for me) involving another woman and thought - well this is interesting. What does this mean? Who is she? What is she doing in my life? And then I thought - does this mean I'm about to start my period???? LOL
It seems everything I see and hear and taste and smell and feel is some kind of indication either way.
I can tell you I felt a whole lot better this morning after driving home and gobbling down two bananas while waiting for the kettle to boil and making cinnamon toast. Needing something in my stomach these days ....
So what does that mean? ! ? ! ? !
Melina
