Bones in the Family Closet and Why I Won't Be Going There Again
(c) Melina Magdalena 2008
Well this is unbelievable, except that he's done it so many times before. I suspect my uncle expects us all to just forgive and forget, like the good Christians we aren't. I think I've had it this time around.
My inbox just went BEEP, as I was sitting here, minding my own business, preparing a worksheet for my students. My first thought was - oh goodie, another person responding to my birthday party invitation - and then I saw the sender's name, and the subject header RE: Children's 'Education' Accounts. My heart skipped a beat or two as I contemplated whether to open the email, fearing I would be subjecting myself to another torrent of abuse and racial vilification, but I went ahead and opened it, ready to delete at a moment's notice, if necessary.
Some background -
In 1980, after my parents brought us to Australia for the second time, it was clear we would be making this our permanent home. To their dismay, we were followed within 2 years by my mother's mother, her second husband, and their youngest two children my Uncle F, who is three years my senior, and my Aunt X, a year my junior. Much more is tucked away in our Family Closet, unspoken and unseen, than is talked about, but these things nevertheless enact their toll upon us all from time to time, as we are held accountable for the actions of our forebears, and find ourselves struggling for breath in the stranglehold of past wrongs that were never revealed, let alone amended.
Forgive the obtuse nature of these revelations - obviously I can't just lay it all out on the table here publically, lest I risk finding myself up to the neckio in legal proceedings by irate family members intent upon preserving the afterlife dignity of the aforementioned. Besides, since no one is willing to go beyond the Pale of Denial and talk about it, nothing has been proved. Without the evidence, all I have ever had to go on, is its very real and somewhat painful consequences.
So, as far as extended family goeth, I have only my aunt and uncle, their spouses and children (4 boys between them) here in Australia. I don't know my American family.
Although my beloved grandmother (their mother) seemed to take a long time between declining and then dying, it all happened in the space of a few intense months, during which I spent a lot of time visiting her in hospital, at home, at hospital again, and finally in the nursing home. I would not change anything about this experience even if I could. I have no regrets and no guilt in my heart, where she is concerned. We had a deeply honest, compassionate and loving relationship; I feel loved and cherished by my grandmother, and I believe she knows how much I loved and cherished her in turn. The only topic we didn't discuss was her late husband. So you can see I held up my end of the bargain, and kept the closet doors firmly childproofed and locked.
In the absence of any other likely villains, Uncle F leapt, quite early on in his career, upon my parents as the source of his anger, alienation and general frustration. Time and time again would go round and round the cycle of betrayal, abuse, apology and contrition. It started when he was quite young. He would steal something from them; sometimes something very precious, such as my great-grandfather's collection of stamps. Spectacularly outraged by the accusation, Uncle F would do a disappearing act. Unlike the stamps, he came back eventually. In returning, he'd try one of two tactics
(a) do a prodigal son manoeuvre and expect to be feasted and feted as the returned lost prince
or
(b) crawl back in on his belly, lower than the proverbially malilgned snake, expecting forgiveness in greater measure than his self-loathing.
As time went on and history repeated itself in expanding histrionics, Uncle F was more often met by suspicion and hurt, than welcome. We're only human, after all.
I would have to say he had it fairly tough, but certainly no tougher than any of us. I first became villainised after he moved out of my house. I was a young wife and mother, going through the great life changes that wifedom and motherhood tend to engender, along with all that other stuff I went through at the same time. Uncle F moved in, took advantage, embellished and embroidered his victim state that had led him to be homeless, ate, drank and made merry and never contributed to household expenses until he moved out again, trailing a wake of anger and hurt behind him that we would feel he ought to have behaved any differently towards us, the only members of his family at that time, who would give him the time of day.
Tja!
whatever!
Ah, the ebbs and the flows... I am reminded of "Watershed", that Indigo Girls' song in which they sing
Every five years or so I look back on my life
And I have a good laugh.
You start at the top, go full circle round
Catch a breeze, take a spill
But ending up where I started again makes me wanna stand still.
Then one day Uncle F found his God and His God found him. He was saved and forgiven for all past wrongdoings - and forgive my faulty understanding of the subject at hand, but it seems he considers himself forgiven of any future misdemeanours as well. The idea of being saved and forgiven extends itself widely from past, through present, to distant future. There is nothing he need do in the meantime, to preserve his State Of Grace. He is free from blame, free from responsibility, free from relationship or consequence.
Considering that Unvle F's transformation more or less coincided with my branch of the family's finding our Jewish feet, some conflict was sure to ensue. I can believe we found the same God, even though I've actually been a believer of some description, all my life. The expressions of our faithful selves naturally took quite divergent paths. We were no more open to expressing ourselves as Christians, than Uncle F was to express himself as a Jew, despite the fact that it was the same family member - my grandmother, his mother, my mother's mother, whose heritage had led us finally to our home of faith.
And so we painted another layer of mutual distrust onto the surface of our Family Closet.
When my grandmother died, she left me a small inheritance - something I had neither anticipated, nor expected. I was dismayed to learn she had left considerably less to her youngest children, my Uncle F and my Aunt X, and I was worried about this on two levels. On the one hand I felt it was unfair, and that as her mere granddaughter, I had no right to my inheritance. On the other hand I was afraid that there would be consequences to my grandmother's choices. I was reassured by various family members, including my Uncle F and my Aunt X, that my grandmother (their mother) had good reasons for choosing to distribute what she could not take with her in the way that she did; and that I should discard any feelings of discomfort about it. So I did.
My mother, (their sister) took steps to pre-empt disturbing consequences, and make amends for her late mother's (in)discretions. She decided she would like to take part of what her mother had left her, and give it to her nephews - the children of Uncle F and his wife, and Aunt X and her husband. In doing so, she enlisted my support. She knew I was on fairly good terms with the pair of them, and she knew that as her only adult child who was in the same city, it would be practical for us to share the signatory role to the accounts she set up in her nephews' names. I agreed to this.
It means that every time I get a bank statement, indeed every time I take a look at my bank accounts online, I get to see the accounts of my four young cousins (aged 1 - 8 years). It has been wryly frustrating over a summer of earning no income, to see my accounts gradually dwindle to nothing, whilst theirs maintain their steady, slow upward pace.
When all this took place, my mother contacted her brother, Uncle F, and her sister, Aunt X, and explained her intentions. These were immediately dismissed and rewritten by her outraged brother, who accused her amongst other things, of believing him to be incapable of providing for his own children. Nevertheless, the accounts exist, and my mother adds to them from month to month, because otherwise they would no accrue any interest at all. My Aunt X has taken quite a different view of the opportunity, and contributes to her son's account quite regularly. The boys will gain access to this money, such that it is, when they turn 18 years old.
As signatory to the accounts, I was fortunate enough to be the recipient of a vitriolic email addressed to my mother from her brother (Uncle F) in January this year. In this email, he accuses my parents of stealing Aunt X's money that she has been contributing to A's (her son) account, in order to fund their own bathroom renovations. Here are some excerpts from this first email, provided as examples of the nature of his communication to us.
"I think it's pretty obvious that I was wrong, and that you are in fact nothing more then [sic!] hypocritical thieves, liars and con-artists ..." (21/1/08)
"I have writen today to ask you (assuming you haven't already spent their
money on your bathroom rennovations [sic!] and/or all the other things I hear
you've been spending on) to transfer B, K and W's deposits directly to X ... to partially remunerate them for the money you so shamelessly have stolen from them."
Now when tempers flare, this kind of strong language is to be expected. What really offends and hurts me is Uncle F's misuse of certain Jewish texts, in this case what he calls "The Gemara (A key part of The Talmud - every Jew's most 'sacred' oral
tradition)" to back up his reasoning for why my mother and father would have behaved in the way he accuses them of behaving.
I am no Jewish scholar. I have not studied anyone's Bible or other religious texts, and I have never claimed to cling to Torah, Talmud or Bible as a person who takes them literally. I think to take such a complex set of texts literally would be crazymaking, because they are narratives that interweave, explore, cry out in anguish and despair, explain, rejoice, contradict and question, as much as they instruct. This I know from my limited experience as a Shul-attending Jew, which I was, for a few years.
Part of Uncle F's transformation into what he calls a Christian has involved a lot of study. He uses this study to explain and justify his behaviours, whether they have been to label his mother and sister as "evil incarnate", or to deny his children any contact with "magic" via evil Disney cartoons.
Setting aside my previous assertion that it could be taking his Bible literally that has produced such crazymaking, I am deeply wounded by my Uncle F's using his so-called knowledge of Judaism to accuse his sister and brother-in-law of theft.
I realised I could not let this lie unchallenged. I could no longer maintain any level of relationship with my Uncle F, if he were so cruel, disrespectful and abusive. The terms he lays out in this email are terms I can no longer condone or ignore. So I replied to him. Here is some of what I write:
"Dear F,
"I am not sure how to respond to this email. It makes me shrivel up inside and want nothing to do with you ever again. And this is such a shame, because I enjoyed visiting you and your family on Christmas Day, and had thought you accepted me as part of your family.... I would like you to refrain from using the Bible and Talmud to back up your defamatory, hurtful, disrespectful and abusive accusations. It seems such hypocrisy that you adhere to a religion that preaches such hatred against others whilst speaking from the other side of its metaphorical mouth of love. I can't see any love in what you've written here, to my mother and your sister....
"As an out lesbian, I know I need to tread carefully around you and your belief system. I have tried hard not to offend you. It is ironic that despite my efforts, you appear to make no consideration on my behalf. Consider for a moment how it feels as a lesbian and a Jew, to receive these accusations? They affect me no less than they affect my parents. There is absolutely no sense of relief in my mind to realise at this moment that you do not accept me; and that on the contrary you deride and revile my existence as a lesbian and a Jew; your niece; the cousin of your children. I had hoped to maintain a friendly and civil relationship with you on terms that I could accept. However, I cannot accept the terms you present in this hateful email to my mother....
"There is no truth in your accusations. I shall not dignify them with a detailed response." (23/1/08)
Clearly, I opened myself up to his further abuse. It did not take long.
".... Melina, I could understand your being upset if I were offering my
interpretations. After all, I am not Jewish, and I have only studied Judaism (off and on) since 2000 to try to understand your parents better. (About 1 year of full time study over those 8 years.) However, because I did't [sic!] offer interpretations cannot understand your being upset at quoting your own oral tradition to you....
"Perhaps your [sic!] upset at having the truth thrust into your face? If so, don't
blame me for the fact that you're following Rabbi's [sic!] so corrupt that G-d sent
His people into captivity through The Babylonianians in the 6th Century BCE
to force them to turn back to Him!
"If you don't like/agree with what's in the Babylonian and Jurusalem [sic!] Talmuds,
I suggest you find another set of beliefs. ....
"I think it's really sad that:
(1) You take personal offense to an email not specifically addressed to you
(2) That you can somehow conclude that I'm attacking your sexuality!!!???
(3) That you can discount my actions to bipolar or some other mental deficiency
(4) That you can attack me for no other reason then I'm trying to help my sister
(5) That you twist my words so... incompetently!!! ....
"This email is one of the worst examples of deflection I've seen in a long time. With your high IQ, combined with your formal education I really expected a lot more... Frankly, I've seen people with half your IQ and no matriculation do far better at changing subjects and avoid accountability." (23/1/08)
I did not reply to this email, but the torrent did not end, there. The next day, I got more in my inbox from him. I could not bear to read it, and stashed it in my 'family' file until today. OK, I've gathered my strength. This time, he makes no pretense of writing to me. After a series of 20 progressively vile, disgusting and violent quotes:
"Oh, I could quote many many A4 size pages containing the vile filth Rabbi's [sic!] have claimed to have been passed on by Moses in your written traditions...
Things these vile individuals claim to be as equally divinely inspired by the All Mighty as the ten commandments, the prophets and the pentatuch [sic!] - but so obviously are so obviously not that Jesus called them painted tombs full of dead mens [sic!] bones. (Beautiful on the outside but dead on the inside.)
"Now... I have shown you MANY examples of religious hatred in your most current and so-called 'holy' writtings... I hereby challenge you to list one (single) solitary example of the teaching of religious hatred by Christianity to justify your false accusation." (24/1/08)
MOST CURRENT?????
What century is this idiot living in, I ask you!
On the subject of my sexuality, he tells me of his sister-in-law, a woman I've never heard him speak of before. Apparently she and her female lover visit Uncle F reguarly:
"We do not treat them any differently then the way we have ever treated you at any time. We do not 'hate' either of them (or you) we love them - just as we love you. We love them as purely as we can - doing our utmost to treat them as Jesus did when he ministered to the prostitutes, murderers, liars, thieves, tax-collectors and/or any other kind of sinner the Pharrisees [sic!] and Saducees condemned as worthy of death by stoning.
"They (the religious leaders of Israel) didn't understand that Christ came not to condemn, but to to turn all sinners back to the Father anymore then you do." (24/1/08)
WHOAH - I can tell you it made me feel a WHOLE lot better to know that my Uncle F regards me and my so-called "lifestyle" in the same category he regards prostitutes, murderers, liars, thieves, tax-collectors and so on. I can also safely assert he does not show the same degree of lovingkindness to my parents, whom he at this point in time also considered to be thieves. He concludes by calling me crazy.
"I think you need serious help when you write things like the above to me.
"Perhaps I will address the more crazy stuff you wrote another time... I'll think about it after I've calmed down." (24/1/08)
My replies to this email are terse "don't bother, F" (24/1/08) and "F, Do not email me again." (24/1/08)
to which he confidently and in sane? mind replies:
"If you cannot accept what I have written, that's fine, and I'll be happy to accept that and not initiate further unwelcome contact...
When you email me, I have the right to reply. Stop emailing me, and I'll stop replying... It's really that simple!"
Unfortunately, is isn't that simple. I did not reply, but alas, received another email from Uncle F today. I paste it here in its entirety, without [sic!]s. He addresses my mother, who is Y. My father is L:
"Y,
"X just rang me to confirm that it was in fact the Bank that had made an accounting mistake which proved your and Ls innocence from all/any wrong-doing regarding the gift account you setup for A.
"I should have known that my initial belief was correct (that you and L are not thieves) and apologise for coming to the wrong conclusion.
"Aditionally, it occurs to me that it is not impossible that you did not know some of the deeper writings - afterall, not everyone studies their history as deeply as I have studied Judaism, and not everyone follows the teachings of Judaism totally.
"Regardless, I am gratified to have been proven wrong, and unconditionally apologise for accusing you of theft, as well as unconditionally apologise for making assumptions that you followed Judaisms total teachings word for word; and hope that 2008 is a fantastic year not only for you - but for all those you care about as well.
"F"
I shan't reply to this further confirmation of his loopiness. I take no responsibility for his loopiness. I won't be going there again.
