A Crunchie Chuppah

A Crunchie Chuppah
(c) Melina Magdalena 2008

"God, our merciful Father, I'm wrapped in a robe of light, clothed in your glory that spreads its wings over my soul. May I be worthy. Amen."
Yentl (1983)

Take a square of washed calico.
Press the four edges neatly.
Send the square to a friend with a request, and a deadline for action.
Wait to see what comes back.
Receive it with delight. Add it to the growing pile of calico squares, no longer plain, but decorated extravagantly, simply, naively, elegantly, with flair - each and every one.

Take a pile of decorated calico squares.
Open up the pressed hems.
Join them to make a large square.
On the ascribed day toss the large square over the framework of a pagoda, with four open sides. Create sacred space for a solemn and joyful ceremony and celebration.
The sky expands over the park. The river extends nearby. The chuppah, made by contributions from many loving hearts and hands, lies between earth and sky, waiting for the moment to begin.

Enter the clearing with your family members to guide and escort you to the sacred space.
Acknowledge the gathering.
Honour the day. Remove your shoes. Enter the chuppah. Marvel at its beauty. Take the hand of your beloved, and begin the ritual.

In the old story (Genesis 18), Sarah and Abraham offer hospitality to strangers who turn out to be God's representatives. Sarah is rewarded when her deepest desire is granted - she later gives birth at an advanced age to baby Isaac, but not until after Hagar, about to give birth to Ishmael, has been cast out of their tent in a fit of jealousy.
In the story of the Angels, the one who grants Sarah's wish also refers to her habit of laughing. As evidenced by her jealous treatment of Hagar, Sarah doesn't think much of her barren self, but has the dignity and presence of mind to conform nonetheless to the traditions of hospitality and welcoming the stranger.

The tent in which Sarah, Abraham and Hagar reside is both ephemeral and sturdy. Though constructed of fragile materials, it amply shelters Sarah and her family wherever they should wander. Any comforts that Sarah and her family find within their tent, are the products of the work that Sarah, Hagar and Abraham do, in providing for themselves.
The presence of God in their lives might feel no less ephemeral and transient. Jews often pray that God's wings might shelter them and keep them safe, in just the same way that a tent can shelter those inside its walls.

After her father's death, Yentl adopts and adapts time-honoured rituals to find comfort and to feel close to God. The heresy therein is of course, that Yentl is female and the rituals she adapts are traditionally barred from her practice.
Yentl takes her father's tallit (prayer shawl). She wraps herself in the tallit and she feels herself to be in the presence of God.

After wrapping the tallit around the body
Psalms 36:8–11 is traditionally recited:
מה יקר חסדך א להים, ובני אדם בצל כנפיך יחסיון. ירוין מדשן ביתך, ונחל עדניך תשקם. כי עמך מקור חיים, באורך נראה אור. משך חסדך לידעיך, וצדקתך לישרי לב.‏
Transliteration: Ma yakar hasd'kha Elohim, uvnei adam b'tzel k'nafekha yehesayun. Yirv'yun mi deshen beitekha, v'nahal adanekha tashkem. Ki im'kha m'kor hayim, b'or'kha nir'e or. M'shokh hasd'kha l'yod'ekha, v'tzidkat'kha l'yish'rei lev.
Translation: "How precious is your kindness, [O] God! People take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They are sated from the abundance of Your house, and from the stream of Your delights You give them to drink. For with You is the source of life; by Your light shall we see light. Extend Your kindness to those who know You, and Your righteousness to the upright of heart."

What kind of heresy then, is this crunchie proposition? Not only is the couple not heterosexual, but only one of them is Jewish. What right have they to alter the ritual of the chuppah, and twist it to suit their own purpose?
Some might find the idea offensive. Some might label it perverse. Others might be indignant because the chuppah is reserved for Jewish-Jewish couples, and not for mixed marriages. Another group of people protest - what value remains, when you persist in picking apart rituals and blending them together in such a confused and watered-down form?
Then there are our detractors who say things like - why on earth would you want to ape heteronormative practice? No one is exacting this toll upon your relationship. You do not know your future. Why complicate matters by setting yourselves up to fail? Who benefits, from your attempts to commit publically to your partnership? This is a private matter. This is folly. It serves no purpose. Pure self-indulgence.

To such detractors I have a few things to say.
- What significance has a ritual if it has no personal value? Whom does it benefit? Are we so superstitious as to believe that making the right moves and paying lip-service will automatically confer some kind of benefit upon us and our lives?
- Mine is a faith that grows and transforms in the same way that I respond and change according to the experiences that shape me. It makes sense to me then, that my rituals and prayers are not static and rigid. My ritual and prayer response is in keeping with my experiences.
- Yes, we are a same-sex couple, and we come from different faith backgrounds. We seek to bring our lives together by enacting a solemn and joyous ceremony of our own creation. Neither of our faith backgrounds offers us their sacred space in which to do this. It is left to us to create our own sacred space for that purpose.

It is outrageous to consider that as a same-sex, mixed-faith couple we can answer to no authority. Yet we are far from dismayed by this. Our is a covenant we enter into voluntarily and with love and hope in our hearts. It's not that those heterosexual couples who choose to marry do so under duress - but rather our choice in this matter says a lot about who we are as human beings who choose a life of committed partnership.
Like many people who are unable to conform to societal norms, we have both spent years examining and questioning ourselves and decrying our places in the world. We wandered long and wondered bitterly like Sarah why our fates did not bring us the happiness we craved.

Indeed - there is no authority to whom we can look to bless our union. Our actions make very little sense in the usual scheme of things. We know very well that there are those who oppose what we are trying to do. We have searched our hearts and we have not found them wanting. We will do, what we will do, with or without their blessing, because we are people of integrity. We feel sorrow for the small-minded but ultimately it would serve no purpose for us to crush our own spirits in order to preserve their stubborn and privileged understanding of the world.

Our chuppah is a physical symbol of the people who have helped to sustain and nurture us on our separate journeys to this place, where our lives meet and converge. Our chuppah is a place for ceremony and celebration. We honour those who have helped to bring us to this place, because we know that without them, we would be far lesser people and our worlds would be much smaller.

Sarah did well to laugh inside her tent. As we shall laugh inside our chuppah, I belive the angels will laugh with us. Laughter is a life force that unites people and ignites us into positive action. We shall be enfolded by the good wishes of the people of our world, as we shall feel ourselves nestled in a safe place that is close to our understanding of God.