Begging Your Pardon
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007
Today is Yom Kippur, the most solemn day in the Jewish calendar. On this day, Jews fast from sunset to sunrise, pray, meditate and seek forgiveness. We seek forgiveness from those we harmed intentionally, and from those whom we harmed without meaning to, and without knowing that we did so until after the fact. We seek forgiveness from those we love, as well as those we despise. Jews do not require or demand of G-d that we be forgiven. We have no right to do this. On Yom Kippur we stand before the Book of Life as humble human beings, capable of great good and terrible evil, and await judgment. It is not for G-d to forgive us our wrongdoings against other human beings. G-d can only forgive our wrongdoings against G-d.
Forgiveness can be given, but not bought. Forgiving oneself is as important as being forgiven by someone else. The important element is the acknowledgment of pain, the acceptance of one's responsibility for causing this pain, and the wish to undo that pain, however impossible it is, to rewind the videotape of life and start the segment over.
For me, I wonder when I will have time to be a good Jew. Last night, I lay in bed and thought about fasting. I planned to spend today in penitence and meditation. I considered those people to whom I would like to make my amends. There are several. But this morning, I got up and showered; watered my garden, put the kettle on, and ate some almonds along with my daily regime of vitamins. Everything I put in my mouth has stuck in my throat.
I finished Harry Potter's Deathly Hallows this morning, for the second time. I was deeply moved again, at arriving at the conclusion of this epic. The end of course, marks the beginning of Harry Potter's life - a life now not determined by the evil intentions of somebody else... a life in which he is free to be a humble human being, albeit a magical one...
Dictionaries distinguish "pardon" and "forgiveness" with reference to punishment. One who is "pardoned" is excused from being punished for one's wrongdoings. I believe the quality of "being forgiven" is different. In order to seek forgivness, one accepts the punishment that is part and parcel of the outcome of wrongdoing.
Some people are like House Elves. They seek out punishment because of their acute awareness of their inability to avoid wrongdoing, no matter how hard they try. Such people punish themselves. This can be separate from their seeking forgiveness from those whom they have wronged. When they are warped, they begin to enjoy their self-inflicted punishments, because this is all they know.
Some people are more like Lord Voldemort. They deny that there is any "wrong" in their evildoings, and when pushed to acknowledge the dire consequences of their actions, they make excuses, still avoiding culpability.
There are people who are unaware of their wrongdoings. Like the "simple son" of the Passover Service, these people are not necessarily in denial. They are not perfect people - their oblivion does not make them angels, but their lack of self-awareness makes them slippery characters on whom it is difficult to pin any specific wrongdoings. For those of us who are vulnerable to taking full responsibility for the actions of others, because our self-doubt and self-hatred drives us to seek punishment wherever it may be found, it is easy to blame oneself for hurting the Oblivious, rather than acknowledging the pain that one has suffered through the indifferent and often callous behaviour of the Oblivious.
I can be a smug, self-righteous bitch sometimes, and I know it. I can be blinded to everything, except my own pain. In flailing around not only do I fail to notice the compassion extended towards me by others, but I inflict further pain upon those who would come to my assistance.
I am sorry.
I can be inspired by my own good intentions sometimes, to the detriment of those whome I seek to rescue and assist. My pushiness and busyness means I fail in the tests of compassion and disable, rather than enable those whom I would help and support.
I am sorry.
My egocentricity often makes me the centre of my own universe, believing that everything revolves around me, and that I have the power to determine what will happen next. This hubris removes me from the reality that is me as one small speck of consciousness, floating in space, seeking to grow and learn. This deceit inverts my intention and my experience, so that I am unable to truly connect with those around me, even those I love.
I am sorry.
To all of those whom I have hurt and harmed, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I am sorry. I acknowledge that I have hurt you through my egotism, my own suffering, my own pain and anger, and my own need for recognition. I take full responsibility for my actions and my inactions; for speaking out when I should have remained silent, and for not speaking when words of strength, courage and compassion were required. I am sorry for my failings. I am sorry for being too busy and preoccupied to see what I could do in situations where I left you in need. Please forgive me.
