Love Sermon

Love Sermon
(c) Melina Magdalena (2006)

INTRODUCTION
This year my short story Forensic Astrology was accepted for publication in an anthology about adoption, to be published by Wakefield Press
and launched early in 2007. In this story, I wrote that in giving love unconditionally, it is contradictory to attach expectations that unconditional love will be returned or reciprocated. Before submitting my story to the anthology, I showed a draft of this story to my family. Both my mother and grandmother took me up on my point about unconditional love.

As a parent, I also feel torn about this issue. The connections that flow between generations seem to be natural and justified, even when LOVE doesn’t always seem to be the best word to describe the complexity of obligation mixed with long association and deep feelings between parents and children.
It’s taken me several months and heartbreak to begin to understand why I feel so conflicted about unconditional love. In this piece, I explore the concepts of Motherlove and Otherlove.

MOTHERLOVE
A mother’s love for her children is traditionally viewed as being unconditional. Some call it instinctive, and construct mother love as a biological function that raises the chances for survival of her offspring.

Compared with other animals, human children are famously slow to attain the maturity required to function independently of their elders. I would argue that our need for learning how to be socially interconnected is a factor in why we have such a long childhood. Maybe it’s not good for us to become completely disconnected and disassociated from our families? Maybe an attribute of maturity is to recognise and consciously take responsibility for the active roles each of us play, in enabling our human communities to be healthy and vibrant? The integration of mind, body and spirit is necessary for individuals to be able to function in human society. This integration is built upon social interaction.

Many people glorify Motherlove and point accusatory fingers at mothers whose behaviour and speech do not mirror the stereotype of what they believe this love should look like. Motherlove – or lack thereof – is blamed when people do things wrong, whether they become wrongdoers on a grand scale or a small scale. (Surely his mother did not love him sufficiently? Or she smothered him with the wrong kind of love. She did not love him for who he was! She loved him helplessly and failed to make discipline part of that love…)

The idea that Mother will defend her Child no matter what his crime is a theme with horrifying appeal. Motherlove is an object of fascination, often inserted into the scripts of crime dramas.

Motherlove is complex. Perhaps not all aspects of Motherlove are unconditional. To give love unconditionally to my children is a choice I continue to make as their mother. I don’t think I am helpless in making that choice, now that my children are capable of washing, feeding and clothing themselves. My love for them is not a long-standing habit, and it is intentional. I love my children for the wonderful human beings they are continually becoming, and because I chose to be their mother. I choose to love them unconditionally.

Children do not demand that their mothers love them unconditionally. Children demand that their surface level needs for physical survival be met. Children thrive when their mothers also give them unconditional love and support, discipline and spiritual understanding. When Motherlove is given consciously, discipline is a part of this. In giving this discipline, the love a mothers shows her child is enhanced.

When giving to my children feels like an obligation, it is not wrong for me to do so, but this is not part of my unconditional love for them. We are all conditioned to believe that love will be expressed in culturally appropriate ways. I can’t help but to follow scripts that dictate to me the appropriate ways within my culture and society of expressing my Motherlove. That part can feel obligatory.

Of course, having invested so much time and energy to my children, I would love for them to love and respect me in return. But I cannot expect this without altering the dynamic of unconditional love that I offer to them. I can expect that in giving them my love unconditionally, they will come to understand what it is to love, and they will learn from my example, some ways of showing unconditional love. Perhaps when they are adult, they will choose to love me no matter my foibles, peculiarities and mistakes, and no matter the occasional embarrassments I cause them? Or perhaps they will choose to love me because those are the things that make me who I am? Perhaps they will choose to love me out of gratitude for everything I do for them? It is not for me to select the terms. It is not for me to demand their love.

Babies love without conditions. Babies love without knowing that they do so. Babies do not yet know about the boundaries that separate one person from another. They know only their drive for survival, and who cares for them. As they grow, babies make the terrifying realisation that they are not able to control their parents’ care for them, because their parents are separate from them. That is a distinction between baby and a child.

Young children cannot help but love their parents. This love is unconditional. It is not yet determined at all by the treatment they receive from their parents. However, when children become conscious of their power to give or withhold their love, they begin to make distinctions in the quality of love they choose to bestow. This happens soonest with children whose parents maltreat them. These children will only survive if they learn what separates them from their parents. One of the most painful parts of this process is the realisation that an element of residual unconditional love of a child for her abusive parent is not always something she chooses to hold on to.

It is the task of every child, whether abused or not, to discover that her parents are human beings and not gods. In making these discoveries, a child is bound to be disappointed and surprised. It takes time for that child to learn what she can realistically expect from her parents, and to acquire the resources for supplying her other needs from elsewhere. This is what growing up is all about. It is a process that is largely independent of the Motherlove given to the child. Eventually, the child may become a parent and the cycle begins anew.

OTHERLOVE
In the game of Otherlove between two needy adult human beings, all kinds of labels are applied to the behaviours exhibited by each party. Each partner enters the relationship with her stories, her experiences and her needs, believing that her partner will not only be equal to answering them, but that she will also be able to answer her partner’s needs.

The choice to bestow Otherlove unconditionally is made independent of expectations, labels and needs, and is based purely on what one already knows of one’s partner. The choice to love unconditionally can never be based upon the expectation that one’s own needs will be fulfilled.

Like Motherlove, Otherlove is determined by the giver, not the receiver. However, Otherlove differs from Motherlove in one important aspect – the spirit in which it is received. Babies and children do not have a choice about whether to accept Motherlove, because they are not yet able to survive without it. Babies and children accept whatever the quality of love and care they receive, because they cannot help, but do so. This is not the case, with Otherlove. As adults, receivers of Otherlove have learned to supply their own basic needs. They do not depend on their partners for survival. The decisions they make about how they receive Otherlove are not based upon the quality of the love that is bestowed upon them. These decisions are not based upon their need for that love. They are based upon their previous experiences, present expectations, and how they feel about the person from whom this love is extended.

When love is bestowed unconditionally upon an adult who is unable to accept or recognise what is being offered to her, the love will be perceived as faulty and insufficient. It is impossible for that love to be accepted for what it is – unconditional – because the receiver filters that love and sets her own conditions upon it. These conditions are significant to the giver, because she has no control over them. The love that she is giving will be interpreted as conditional even though that was not how it started out. This does not alter her choice to love her partner unconditionally.

When one partner chooses to love unconditionally, she does so whether or not her partner returns the favour. If a competitive dynamic comes into play whereby one partner believes she is giving far more than the other, the love that is being given may no longer be unconditional. She may feel she must live up to her partner’s expectations, rather than choosing freely to love her partner. Again, this is a problem about receiving love, not about giving love.

When only one partner is giving unconditionally, she can still feel hurt by the fact that she is not receiving unconditional love, without expecting or demanding it of her lover. This is the dynamic of the giver and the taker. The taker takes like a spoiled child, what she feels is her due, unheeding of any cost to the giver. The taker sees only her needs and desires. The giver and her needs and desires are rendered invisible and insignificant. The giver becomes unhappy and depleted of energy. However, she may continue to give her love unconditionally. After a while, that love begins to hurt the giver more than it can ever heal the taker. This is martyrdom, and leads to only one place – the eventual destruction of the giver, which will be interpreted as betrayal, by the taker.

If one’s lover demands that her partner love her unconditionally, any love shown by the one who is making the demand is necessarily conditional. The dynamic thus set into play can slide rapidly into abuse, when the unconditional love offered by one, is quantified as insufficient. Let alone the fact that love is active, and not quantifiable, objectifying the love in this way means that more and more love is demanded with little love of any kind being offered in return. This is not just a problem of being unable to accept love. This is a problem of being unable to give love. Such selfishness is a symptom of someone who does not love herself sufficiently to be able to see the needs of other people as valid. She is unable to offer love unconditionally no matter how much unconditional love she receives.

It is unrealistic and unfair for one partner to demand that her lover love her unconditionally. This is selfish. The partner who makes such a demand cannot offer her love unconditionally. The partner of such a needy, self-centred person will feel like her mother, not her lover. Otherlove is not the same as Motherlove. Such a partnership will never last – not even until death do ye part, unless the giver of unconditional love is satisfied to live with the role of her partner’s mother.

LOVE IN ACTION
It’s a little difficult to use language to describe the giving of love. While the intention to give love unconditionally is a choice, the giving of love is intuitive and instinctive. The perception of the receiver will always be a determining factor in the specifics of what makes them feel loved, but the actions of the giver are more universal. We have many expressions that describe the giving of love, such as
· love that surpasses all understanding
· going beyond the call of duty
· going that extra mile
· giving the benefit of the doubt.
Each of these expressions can be illustrated with the concept of what it means to be generous towards the person to whom one loves.

Generosity means going beyond one’s cultural boundaries to give more than the minimum that is considered to be culturally acceptable. Many cultures have norms of hospitality and generosity, and of reaching out to the stranger. Every culture has its own set of norms about giving and receiving. Intercultural engagements are fraught with misunderstandings, such as when one person who comes from a culture where it is expected that one will refuse what is offered twice, because it is polite to only accept the offer the third time, is left hungry or thirsty because her host failed to make the offer of food or drink the third time.

Generosity is generally only an option for people whose basic needs for survival are already being met. It’s not possible to be generous when one does not have enough to survive, except by sacrificing one’s own life to do so.

Within the context of a loving partnership too, generosity may manifest from self-interest, guilt, fear or love. Although it is not the single determining factor, the spirit with which something is given has something to do with the spirit with which something is received. It is also true, that to receive love is to give love. The giving of love is not as readily quantified as the action of being generous. The two main levels of distinction within love are to do with whether that love is conditional. To give love unconditionally is about being generous to and open minded about the person to whom one is giving that love.

An allegory from the domain of Motherlove is created when meanness, the opposite of generosity, is offered as a veiled message to the recipient of love. When a child’s Christmas stocking is filled with sticks or coal instead of toys and sweets, its parents are said to be disciplining that child to be more obedient. Such discipline is about forcing a child to conform to cultural norms of behaviour. This is not about unconditional love. It is unlikely to cause that child to show more love towards its parents. The same can be said for meanness within a loving partnership. Lack of generosity causes love to dissipate. Stinginess will never increase the loving commitment to understanding between partners.

Unconditional love has to do with generosity of spirit. To show unconditional love means going beyond mere duty and what the messages in our heads direct us to do, to what our bodies and spirits direct us to do for the person whom we love. To respond in this way can feel wonderfully extravagant.

Unconditional love surpasses rational understanding. In loving unconditionally, the giver sees what she believes will give pleasure to the receiver. It is not always comfortable to be on the receiving end of unconditional love, because we tend to be conditioned to believe that we do not deserve it. Barriers on the receiving end are symptoms of underlying need, and can only be removed by the person who put them in place. The ability to receive is a problem encountered by people whose deeper needs have not been met. Until they are, no amount of unconditional love will ever fulfil that person’s needs.

We may question our motives in loving unconditionally. It’s important to remember that we are giving love to someone whom we value deeply and for whom we want the best. By paying attention to our own boundaries, we can be respectful towards ourselves and towards the person whom we love. This will happen when we stop thinking only about ourselves. We have to break through the fear barrier that tells us not to give love unconditionally because we will not receive as much as we give. (What if I am rejected? What if I am perceived as over the top?)

It can seem like a contradiction in terms to wonder whether we can love ourselves unconditionally. Almost no one does. We give ourselves a hard time whenever we are misunderstood or mistreated. If we’ve been conditioned to do so, it is easier to blame ourselves and to believe that if only we try harder, apply ourselves and truly want to, we can make things right, without needing to call on anybody else for support or assistance.

The truth is that we all need other people in our lives. No matter how insular we are, the interconnections and interactions with others are what spark us into life. Nearly all of us need to have others around us (humans, animals and plants) at least some of the time, to feel alive and connected.

When we finally let go of our fears about loving unconditionally, it feels glorious to give generously just because we choose to do so, and because we know that the people whom we love deserve so much more.

CONCLUSIONS
Unconditional love is not helpless. It is not about being so bonded to a person that one cannot, but love her. Unconditional love is a choice that we can make freely. That choice can have little to do with the person on whom you choose to bestow that love.

Unconditional love offers no guarantees that it will be returned in kind. Unconditional love should not be a burden, but because it is not rational, we can feel driven to give love unconditionally to someone for far longer than it takes to understand that it is not being reciprocated. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with giving love to people who do not love us – we can do great things for the world when we give of ourselves. But we can only do so effectively for as long as our own needs are being acknowledged and met. Martyrdom ultimately hurts both the giver and receiver.

Unconditional love is hyperrational. It goes beyond what our heads tell us. Even when love is reciprocated, those on whom we bestow our love unconditionally are quite likely to cause us pain sometimes. Most of us feel somewhat squeamish about pain, but the fact is that like love, pain is a part of what it is to be human. We feel our way through life, bump up against barriers, try things out, explore and create, and make mistakes. As love continues to be given, no matter what the misunderstanding, the hurt or the pain, we learn to be better human beings.