Sperm Donor Adventures: the sixth installment

Sperm Donor Adventures: the sixth installment
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007

Questions and Answers

Here are excerpts from correspondence I have had with various prospective donors over the past few months.

R offered his sperm in response to an email his partner had forwarded to him. But his partner then raised the question of legal ramifications and I broke off contact very quickly.

Fri, 11 Aug 2006
Dear R.,
Thank you for replying so quickly! I have a couple of other questions for you - what would be your motivation in donating? Do you already have children? How does your partner fit in to this?

Saturday, 12 August 2006
Dear Melina,
It's always been a life goal for me to have children … my motivation for donating would be; I want, at least, to know that a child of mine *does* exist out there. It's hard to explain. I guess I am just hoping that in 50 years or so time there will be someone existing who can enjoy life because of me. It's a gift. We give to the next generation as we took from our parents and so on. At least that's what I like to think. Am I making much sense here? …

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P offered his sperm with no strings attached, and was willing to travel to me. He responded to my ad on PinkBoard. Could this be too good to be true? I wondered what was in it for him?

Monday, 11 December 2006
Dear P,
Thanks for your email - nice to hear from you. Have you donated before?

Hi Melina
Thanks for your reply : ) Yes I've been a donor a few times here and a few times interstate. So far there have been no fertility problems for the mother and conception occurred first time on nearly all occasions. Feel free to ask more and am happy to talk over the phone if you'd like.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006
Dear P,
This is sounding almost possible.
So...
a) Have you been tested against nasties (STDs, etc.)?
b) What is your ethnic heritage?
c) What do you look like?
d) What kind of donor relationship do you want towards the mother and the child?

Hi Melina
Yes have been tested a few times now and happy to do so any time. I think its good for children to know of their biological origins. I have developed friendships with some of the couples I've helped but also have accepted no contact until the child is 18 when that has been preferred. If you preferred no contact the occasional email or pic or phone call just to say that all is well would be greatly appreciated.
What are your preferences ?

Thursday, 14 December 2006
Dear P,
I agree with you that knowing one's biological origins is important, and would encourage that whilst remaining strong in the sense that I as mother am the one who is raising the child, and who determines how that child is
raised. Friendship with the donor is an ideal to which I'd aspire, and letter or email contact would be my preference at least for the first years. Is there anything else you'd like to know about me?
Best wishes,
Melina

Hi
I agree also - think there's benefit in having some genetic variation (rigour) with diversity. How old are your chilren?
Hving been a donor a few times now I can see how much joy and meaning raising children can bring : )

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My third ad on PinkBoard

8th Dec : don't want to be a father?
Hi there! I'm looking for a healthy man aged 20-40, ethnicity open, who is willing to donate sperm so I can have a baby. I've been on this quest for some time, and just need some of that magic stuff to be able to conceive. I'm a healthy 36 y.o. lesbian, looking to raise the child
on my own. Please help me!
Thanks for your generosity!

I heard from this man twice and then never again.

Thank you for your ad.
I am interested in learning more and may be able to help as I know I have swimmers and am a godfather to a donorson who is now three, well and happy.
Kind regards
W

Wednesday, 20 December 2006
Dear W,
Thank you very much for your email. Do you live in S.A.? Please tell me a little about yourself and your motivation for donating sperm. For example, have you been tested against STDs and so on? What do you see as your relationship to donor children and their mothers? I look forward to hearing from you.

Hi
Thank you for your kind consideration & email.
Running to work but quickly say I get and will get STD tested to ensure nothing is unaccounted. Will write more.

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I paid for this man’s contact details via the ADSR (Australian Sperm Donor Registry).

Thu, 01 Feb 2007
Dear D,
I wonder whether you remember me? … we had some email contact a year or two ago, but got out of touch … Actually, I was very pleased that your name came up via my donor details request, as I'd wondered how you've been going, and whether you were still interested in becoming a father.
A few other issues have emerged as I've been going through this process, so I'll run them past you now. I'd love to get your response soon, to see whether you and I might be able to make this work together.

It's my strong wish to provide the child's home. I'm not keen on the idea of sharing a child in terms of the child having to have two homes, and move from place to place each week. However, this does not preclude regular contact, and of course as the child got older, appropriate arrangements could be made, by negotiation between us,
with the child's happiness and best interests at heart.

Secondly, I've realised that it is very important for me to be free to raise the child within a Jewish context. I'm a progressive Jew, which means that my Jewish heritage is largely enacted within a cultural context, rather than a religious one. That said there are festivals, celebrations, rituals and so on that I would be continuing within the family context. It's important for me that the child's father feels all right about this, which is why I'm stating it bluntly upfront. I don't know whether that would mean in the future doing something like a Bar Mitzvah, but I'd like to keep that option open.

Thirdly, the way I live my life is fairly quietly. I'm not into
materialism, and have spent years being very poor. I now have a good qualification and expect to work part-time for the next many years. This should alleviate the poverty issue. Even so, I find the number of 'things' that kids get given and surrounded by quite disturbing. My way of child rearing is much more natural. For me, it's more important that children get opportunities to spend a lot of time at home and in parks and in the outdoors, and to do things like sport, art, music and so on, rather than getting a lot of toys and technology. I'm probably also more keen on state schooling than private.

Finally, I am also very open about alternative medicine. My family has often used osteopathic, homoeopathic and naturopathic treatments rather than conventional western medicine. It's important for me that that's ok with the child's father, as well.

Now that I've had my say, please take some time to respond, and give me some of your ideas, as well.
Melina

Thursday, 1 February 2007
Hi There
I am going to be a Travelling Nurse, but my base will be here in Adelaide so this could work out good. Firstly to answer your questions -
1. I have no problem with the child being raised in a Jewish context, I think having some religious/cultural structure is good for any child, and I think the Jewish Faith/Culture is a positive grounding, and I could learn something from it too.

2. All the alternative therapy stuff sounds great too. I am into alternative/herbal medicines myself, and considered doing some stuff to get qualified, but at the moment my singular focus is on getting qualified in the 'establishment' healthcare system.

3. I will go and get an STD test done, next week.

4. As for the Child having one house in his/her early years, yes, I agree, these are years best spent with the mother, but I hope that as he/she if he/she decides to be incarnated, would like to have contact with me, I think that there’s nothing in this world more exalted then having a little person to watch and teach to grow and thrive.

5. In terms of Materialism/Non Materialism, I think this is also a factor we have in common, I too am not rich, nor seek to be rich. I think it is more important to live in a religious/spiritual context where materialism is put aside for the basics.

Also, can I ask a few of my own questions of you ?
1. How do your present children get along with their father? Do they have access? Do they get on well?
2. Would you want my name on or off the Birth Certificate?
3. What do your children think of having a potential new sibling?
4. What would the surname be, would it be hyphenated or would the child just have your surname ?

I have enclosed a picture, could you return one of you to me?

I am keen to have a child yes, but I think judging by the nature of relationships between men and women who have had children together and the warfare which results, I am kinda keen to take time to get to know and become friends possibly? In a way, I think friendship is important, more important then having a dysfunctional relationship with someone in a romantic context. I think that this creates the impression within the child that there was no breakdown, or discord etc.
Anyway, those are my thoughts for the moment, please email me back if you think of something and I’ll do the same.
D

Saturday, 3 February 2007
Thank you for considering the surname, the last person I was considering doing this with was so fixed in her expectations and wants, it’s refreshing to find someone flexible. I think ... I also think its great that you will allow the child to know his/her paternal side of his/her family.

I did some research about child support, and for one child it would be 18% of my income. Which based on a 600 dollar a week wage would work out to 108 dollars, which is good, I could live with that. I’ve learnt to become extremely frugal over the years. I think keeping the amount of Government interference to as low as possible, because, really it’s a blunt instrument and it doesn’t know the situation of individuals, and just treats everyone the same.

I look forward to finding out the research you do regarding the legalities of birth certificate, and child support. It will be interesting to see what develops.

Regards
D

Sunday, 4 February 2007

Hi there,
Yes, you’re correct in your impression that my Saturn return was severe, sad etc. It really forced me to look at myself and I think I have learnt a lot from it. The experience with the straight woman wasn’t good, but I think it was the first time i said NO to someone, and she kinda lost the plot, which in turn made me kinda think what is this woman’s problem, and I didn’t get into her stuff, because she was so desperate to have a child. But to get metaphorical here, I see it as a baptism, I was held under the waters, and now I’ve been allowed to resurface and I’ve taken my first breath and feel revitalised.

It would be I consider, a great honour to have a child grow up and be Jewish. I don’t know what that involves, I mean is there a baptism, a naming ceremony, what are the traditions which you would like to share with the child?
I feel that the timing is good; I feel that I am entering an expansive time in my life.

I like unusual names…

Well, I think I’ve yapped on enough, and yeah I’m comfortable with the things which have come together regarding birth certificates etc.
Cheers
D

Tuesday, 6 February 2007
Hi,
I have decided that I would like to cancel our Saturday meeting. I am in the process of simplifying my life. I find that the prospect of having a child will only complicate it. Which is something I don’t need atm.
I hope you find a suitable donor.
Kind Regards
D

my (devastated) replyFeb 6 2007
Dear D,
I thought I'd just share with you what I've found out about the legal relationship between donors and children. I find it quite strange, but it is true that a father who had sex with the mother is viewed as a father with all the rights and responsibilities that go along with that, whereas a father who donated sperm that was used by the mother for insemination is not viewed as a father, and has no rights or responsibilities towards the child.

In terms of rights, this means if he wanted more access/contact with the child than the child's mother wished, he would have to fight it out with her in the family court, and there are no guarantees that he would be successful in obtaining rights. In terms of responsibilities, he is in no way obliged to pay child support at all.

In the lesbian circles I asked around to confirm this information, the predominant discourse seemed to be of fear and suspicion. Lesbians I talked to wanted their child's father out of the picture, and even when he was a "known donor" they employed strategies such as keeping track of all access in case it came down to family court proceedings in the future. I didn't talk to them about whether they welcome or accept financial support from the fathers of their children.

I found this sad, and have been thinking about it all night - even before I received your email this morning. Given that your profile on the donor registry states you "Desire to have children in an unconventional way, free from the shackles of the nuclear family", I began to contemplate what that means for the kind of relationship or family you and I had been talking about starting together.

I realised that for me, the distinction needs to be made clearly between 'husband' and 'father', and that is where my difficulties and suspicions lie. I never put you in the role of husband in relation to me or a child, because from my point of view the only part of 'family' that is important in my circumstances with regard to the father of my child, is the father role.

The problem I have with husband is the issue of duty and obligation, which of course in a traditional family is supposed to go both ways. But I don't wish to be in a situation where I am supporting the father of my child emotionally or financially, especially where (as happened in my marriage), it was not reciprocated. Not that I thought this was at all what you were suggesting - I raise this only to explain my thinking about the topic.

I also want you to know that while I respect your (earlier) stated intention to contribute 18% of your income towards child support, I think that is far too much, and would always have been open to negotiating something that you felt was achievable and equitable. However, I had not raised this yet, because I wanted to meet you in person and get a feel for how best to approach this. I imagined that with some men, raising the issue may have caused offence, for example. So with respect, if that is one of the issues you have been struggling with, please set your mind at rest.

I respect your situation, and your wish to not continue these negotiations at this time. I realise how busy you are, and how many plans you have running at various stages of completion right now. I also know that I raised the idea during one of our chats about the timing of this, because I was concerned for where you were at in your life. I will say though, that if we had a child together, I would be very happy for you to have as little contact as you needed, and for you to have more contact when your circumstances allowed. So if you do change your mind, please get in touch with me.
Melina

his reply

8 Feb 2007
Hi Melina,
Please bear with me, I just have to get my head right, I’m all over the place atm. I just want to focus on getting me cert III.
Thanks for the research, I’m unsure what I feel about being classed as not the father, despite me giving part of myself, that’s what I’m really concerned about.
D

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Here is the response from prospective no. 2 via the ADSR.

Friday, 2 February 2007
Hello there
Thank you for your email, the ASDR doesn’t give any info on you so I appreciate the detail of your email! I always find myself lost for words in these sort of situations so please excuse this :)

… I’m a very quiet type of person and work very long hours Mon-Fri, i guess that’s why I’m still single! … as I get older the desire to have children is getting stronger and is something I have always dreamed of…

The Jewish background you have should be respected and i understand that but I’m not really a religious person at all. The only issue I have with Jewish custom is with circumcision if a male child was to be born that is something I would strongly object to i hope you understand that.

The type of situation I’m looking for is to be part of the child’s life as I will be giving you a child you will also be giving me a child it has to be fair between us even when the child is young I would like to be involved and so would my family that is something for you to think about, not that I would be demanding and want to be there 24/7 but I would like to be a doting father and be allowed access even as a new born my mother and father would like this!!
Cheers N

Sun, 04 Feb 2007
Dear N,
Thank you for your emails, and I'm sorry it has taken me a few days to get back to you.

I appreciate your responses to the information I gave you, and I agree with you about circumcision, and wouldn’t inflict that on my son, either.

Why do you work at two jobs? You seem to have a very heavy workload? Perhaps you're saving for a house, or travel or something?

When I registered with the ASDR, I was given contact details of two potential donors. One happened to be someone I'd had contact with previously but was out of touch with for a year or more. This seems to be working out, which leaves you in the lurch, unfortunately. I'm sorry to raise your hopes and then let you down.
However, if you would please allow me to take a little more time to see how it pans out, I will get back in touch with you soon and give you a definite answer.

Best wishes,
Melina

Sunday, 4 February 2007
Hello again!

No problem at all take all the time you need! I hope something works out for you! Yes I do have a busy work load but I am saving so there is a reason for it … hmm a holiday would be nice! I have been let down a few times on this site so i guess I’m getting use to it but you never know :)

Anyway have a great day and good luck with your potential donor :)
N

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And prospective donor no. 3 from the ADSR

Wednesday, 7 February 2007
Dear Melina,
… thank you for your description of yourself, the ASDR didn’t give me any details of you at all ... just a text last night asking if it would be okay if my information were to be passed on....

… i'm a long time happily single 24 year old with an outgoing yet laid back friendly personality.... I discovered the ASDR because I wanted to become a father and enjoy that experience… to be honest, I was looking to add to my extended family, which would include hopefully a good friendship with the lady/couple I donated for who would be happy me playing an "uncle" type role to the child that would come from the donation union.... I would be ever so happy, if the person I donated for was a nice person, a loving mother who might be nice enough to allow me to visit at times, take me on as a non intrusive friend and maybe, if I’m lucky, might let me baby sit the baby if the need ever arose.... Being a mother already obviously wanting another proves to me that you'd make a good one... and I quite admire the Jewish faith (of what I know of it) - I have no religious background personally however, I come from a very 9-5 Monday to Friday family where Sundays were for resting off the work week and mowing the lawns as opposed to going to a church of any description....
F

Fri, 09 Feb 2007
Hi F (again),
I like your description of how you picture yourself in this scenario. An uncle-figure is great. I would want my child to know who its father was, but have no expectations on a donor to do anything other than be present as appropriate and negotiated for all concerned. I think I am a nice person... :) I would prefer to be friends with my child's donor.
Best wishes,
Melina

Friday, 9 February 2007
hello again Melina =)
…I would be really happy to meet in person whenever you would like actually =)
I'm comfortable meeting you, but I can be shy..... I've got a bit of an exterior that can come across as quite confident, but I assure you, I'll be pretty determined to impress....
looking forward to hearing back from you =)
From F. =)

Wed, 14 Feb 2007
Hi F,
It was good to meet you yesterday. Thanks for making the time to spend just getting to know each other. Very funny to find an Adelaide connection
Melina

hey !
good to hear from you, likewise, it was great to meet you the other day....... yes, it was funny to come across our connection to G, undoubtedly there would be more..... considering there’s about 6 degrees of separation keeping us from tea with the queen, I reckon living in our small little town of Adelaide suburban life, one more hour of meeting we would've worked out two more.... ;)


hope everything that came up when we met was clear and open and all the rest and you didn’t go away with overly much to think about... I’ve no doubt that if you decided to go ahead with more definite plans, we could get things in appropriate mutual order in no time flat... painful thing about the beginnings of anything bigger than sliced bread really isn’t it, with merely ideas tossed around with nothing as yet gone on paper.... where to now?

rest assured however, I liked you when we met, you're pretty cool.... so, from my side of things, I’m happy to explore the idea further if you are....
take care of yourself, hope to hear from you again soon =)
From F =)

Sun, 25 Feb 2007

Dear F,
I hope you're well, and I'm sorry I've been so slow in responding.
There's been so much to think about and do - especially on the job front, that I'm feeling like the baby thing is taking far longer than I had anticipated and I don't seem to have enough energy or time to think about it properly, let alone take action.

I really appreciated meeting you and your openness and honesty. I think you will be a great father with the right person. However, I have been "shopping" as you said, though at the time I felt uncomfortable with the idea of saying "no" to you.

It's important for me to let you know that this is nothing to do with who you are, or your motivations. You didn't offend me in any way, and it's nothing to do with your looks, either! Please don't let this dent your confidence or hope that you will find someone to have a baby with.

I'd like to wish you the very best, and good dreams that come true,
Melina

Sunday, 25 February 2007
hey Melina =)
rest assured there’s no hard feelings..... things didn’t feel right, then, they weren’t right.. it’s as simple as that....
i do hope you find the right guy and everything works out :)

I appreciate your honesty in coming forth and telling me you were pursuing other options......
thankyou for meeting with me though, I've been thinking about it actually... you being only the second person I’ve met, and having gone so far with the first, I’ve changed my opinion on the donation side of things, when I’ve realised that in this given situation, I'd be better off more removed if I were to ever go through with it...... I'd prefer to donate to a couple who would raise the child as there own, and be in the background.... or maybe, in the right circumstance, not even at all.... as long as it had loving parents and I could carry a photo in my wallet I think I might be okay with that....

all the same, I appreciated today’s e-mail, truly..... =)

I hope it all works out with you, your kids and into the future... =)
From F.

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I answered another ad on PinkBoard.

Subject: your ad on pink board Date: Thu, 01 Feb 2007

Hello Intelligent Donor,
Thanks for your ad on pinkboard. I've posted a few ads there myself, and am looking for a donor. I'd prefer my child to know its father, and would be happy for that to be annually, and build up a relationship if that worked well. However, I'm not based in Vic, and am wondering whether you would be open to such a proposition? (I would travel for the insemination.)
When you say you are a blue-eyed Australian, what does that mean?
Also, how old are you?
Hope to hear back soon,
M

Thursday, 8 February 2007
Hi M,
Let me guess, you're in northern NSW? Nimbin? Hippy!
(I used to be a hippy, but with hard work and counselling it eventually got a bit better)

There are some missing branches on my family tree, so although I was told I was English, I believe that I have a lot of German/Jewish/Austrian/Polish/Ukrainian... If I look at my relationships, my friends, the people members of my family have married, how much I love travelling in central Europe and hated living in England (don't get me wrong, it's a nice country, pity it is full of pommies)

I'm Caucasian (blue/dark-blonde), smart (top 10% of IQ), professional (strategy for a well known corporate), healthy (muscle, not fat - built more like an AFL than a Rugby player), travelled, idealistic male. Genetics is more important than most people realise and I'm glad to see you see this too.

I'd like to meet you to make sure you're not an axe-wielding psycho... or Jewish princess... :)

Your child will partly be me, and so I'm happy to keep in touch - I'm sure a bit of advice every now-and-then will be helpful. However frequent meetings will not be possible.

One thing I'm sure we will both agree on and that is that I don't trust Johnny Howard to make laws or lawyers to administer them... so lets keep this on a first-name basis. I want to make an agreement writing down how we want to do things... have a look at www.glrl.org.au/pdf/major_reports/talking_turkey.pdf
I hope you're serious about this and travelling down etc... and not a flippy-hippy...

H

Oh, and never ask a girl her age...I'm genX but almost a baby boomer (yuck!)

Fri, 09 Feb 2007
Dear H,
Thanks for your reply! My sister is in the rainbow triangle but I am (alas) in staid Adelaide. However, I like it down here. My hippyness extends to my personal politics, and doesn't involve dropping out or tripping on drugs. I am not materialistic, but I do like to be comfortable. Also my spiritual values, beliefs and views are extremely eclectic and many people find them a little unusual. Maybe that's hippy too - I'm too young to really know. I wasn't raised Jewish - my grandmother was a 1939 refugee from Vienna, and married a German immigrant in an act of teenage rebellion and with the thought that it wasn't safe to be Jewish anymore. She raised her children Unitarian, and my parents did me the same favour until we were all almost grown up, and reconnected with our Jewish past.

Enough from me now - I was pleased to hear from you, but have a busy day ahead.
I'll check out that website.
Best wishes,
M

Friday, 9 February 2007
I have only been there a few times, but Vienna is my favourite city in the World!
I'm curious..."extremely eclectic and many people find them a little unusual" Perhaps you can give me a little taste?

I have strongly held ideals also, sadly I am (as usual) ahead of the crowd and so some of my recently adopted ideals will not be socially acceptable for another 10 years... The fact is I believe in truth and I’m smart and curious enough to find it before most...
H

Fri, 09 Feb 2007
Hello again, H,
Thanks for your email. I've looked at the website and agree - an agreement is a good idea, as is STD testing and some more questions and answers. The reason I asked your age, is that there has been correlation proven between older fathers (40+) and children born affected by various aspects of the autism spectrum. Sorry for the faux pas :)

Would it bother you if I asked questions with reference to astrology? Such as "are you an Aquarian or what?

My beliefs concern time, space, lives, connections, spirit, plans, intentions and purpose. I love many Jewish rituals and festivals, but am not strict about being Jewish. I'm happy to have my own way of doing things, and to adapt. I believe in many lifetimes, and a development and intelligence of spirit which is neither linear, nor progressive. I have had various experiences of knowingness that are difficult to explain or describe. It often happens to me that I will speak to someone about things I really oughtn't to know about them.

For me, family is far more than blood-kin or people who have been consciously and legally adopted into a family. The love I feel and extend towards friends and workmates means I incorporate them into my sense of family. I have a knowingness about having more children, and this being part of my purpose. At the same time, I don't believe everything is preordained. I don't believe everything 'is meant' to happen the way it does. I've had too many bad experiences to believe I chose them. I certainly don't believe I'm being punished for (my) past. However, it becomes me to deal with what happens and in that sense I am self-determined, even in the face of the traumatic and unexpected.

Hope that's not too vague and airy fairy (hippy). A little more about me, as reading through our emails so far I realise I didn't give very much away. I am 37, live in secure public housing (a blessing) and have been a single mother most of my adult life. I am a writer, artist, activist and most recently a teacher. I intend to work part-time as a teacher as well as raising my child. I will probably be reliant on part benefits and that doesn't bother me, as I pay plenty of taxes and contribute a great deal to my community and society.

If you feel ok about it, I'd love to know a little more about you. Have you been a donor before? Do you have other children? What is your motivation in this case? Did you get many responses to your ad? (I had none!)

I'm going to be doing some writing this weekend about motherhood and fatherhood and what I've been learning of late, about the legalities and peculiarities of Australia's way of dealing with the non-nuclear. I don't expect anything from a donor, but I respect that as a potential donor, you are not just a producer of sperm, but are a human being with your own needs and your own agenda. I would like to explore this thoroughly to ensure we're on the same wavelength more or less, or have tried hard to reach a common understanding.
cheers!
Melina

Tuesday, 13 February 2007
Ah hippy-chick... :)

you guessed well... I'm Aquarian with my moon in Aquarius... double dose... a chronic idealist. What you claim you have makes me in awe (and insanely jealous)... your "experiences of knowingness" as you describe it... women with this 'nature' are just amazing and many of my girlfriends have had it... you're right, it is hard to describe, each example just sounds trite in isolation, but it is a pattern that is beyond co-incidence. Wow! On the other hand, you could be lying!

I'm glad you have your synagogue; it must be a support and make you feel relatively normal ;) Jews, unfortunately, have one of the lowest birth-rates of any ethnic group... a real pity when you realise that we tend to be very intelligent and so many important advances and artworks have been created by Jews... That's the real underlying basis of the war on terror and the Israel-Arabic thing... the Jews are becoming a minority group even in Israel, let alone the Middle East. Say what you want about Muslim religions, but they have one thing worked out and that is how to have kids... and demographics is destiny.

I only discovered my jewishness by a bit of detective work and intuition, my family have lost any cultural/spiritual connection, which is sad. I would like to look into conversion when I have some time - which is probably not until my retirement...

About older men's sperm, while this is true, the chances are very low... remember I work in marketing and statistics... an older woman is (by memory) many hundreds of times more likely to have a downs syndrome child than an older man with autism...

You're in Adelaide, a very lovely city. But do you ever come to Victoria? Or am I going to have to get the things frozen... which involves some expense for you and months of delay. What time-frame are you looking at? I doubt that I can get to Adelaide. I've decided that I want to take myself off the market after a few months... don't want to many 'mini-me's out there (although realistically, as half-siblings they are sufficiently un-related that even if they did end up in the same city and meet and were hetero and fall in love and breed, that it wouldn't be a problem... to quote a bloke I used to work with... the probabilities are two-thirds of six-eighths of sixteen-thirty-two-ths of f*ck all... To date I have two donor kids and I am working with another woman for a kid.
H

Mon, 19 Feb 2007
Hi H,
Thanks for the stats. :) Not my forte, but worrying IS a Dog trait.

I first got interested in Chinese astrology (though I'm by no means an expert) when I observed the similar personality traits in my daughter's kindergarten cohort. This was a group of Metal Goats, and they were the most colourful, strong willed, interesting individuals I had encountered. They've grown up to be mavericks amongst their peers and more conservative types such as the Metal Horse look at them simultaneously with admiration and disparagement, wishing they had the guts to be as odd and happy as they seem to be!

Of course these are gross generalisations, but observing the trends is something I enjoy on an amateurish level.

Yes, I could be lying about the knowingness, and it's something I've repressed more than I've embraced. But I'm not the kind of person who is in to lying and deceit. I find it distressing to lie, and to be lied to, so I try not to do it. It can take an enormous amount of courage to speak up, rather than lie by omission, and I'm learning that this is a good thing to do, but one must pick one's battles, rather than become exhausted through attrition.

I guess, if you've already been a donor 2- 3 times, you've been tested and retested and know the drill for preparing sperm for self-insemination? I would plan to travel to Sydney, rather than arrange for - what did you call them? :) "the things" to get frozen and sent to me. I've been charting my cycle for some time, and it seems to be quite regular, so organising that from my side would be fairly easy. It sounds like you're tremendously busy, so I'd need some idea of your availability before booking tickets!

I'm going to spend some time this week on the agreement thing. In the meantime, I've chatted with a couple of other potential donors whom I don't feel right about. I can say that as a starting point, I'm keen to be the one who makes decisions about my family, in terms of medical stuff, schooling, etc. My idea is that you as donor would be present as a real person, but not closely involved. From what we've written to one another so far, I think that's agreeable to you, but please do write more about your ideas on this, and what terms you would prefer in an agreement.
H

Tuesday, 20 February 2007
I love generalisations! Lets face it, if you can't generalise, you can't talk... What is a word, other than a concept or generalisation?

But the "self-centred" may not come from the dog, but from your jewishness... there are some real Jewish b*tches - I'm sure you know...

It would be lovely to see you in Vic... I'm in Europe through April (poor me! :) so that is out, and I'll be pretty busy before both the NSW State and the Federal elections, so that's not ideal.

How does this sound as an agreement??? Based on the GLRL template. Basically the changes I've made are to remove the pre-amble that refers to the Family Law Act, knowing that the law will certainly change, why bring up the old law?
I've added that you should refer to me as an "unknown man" especially on the birth certificate, lawyers, govt departments etc. In short, never let the lawyers get involved with anything... least of all important things and decisions about people’s lives.

In case of either of us dying etc. The other should be contacted and so I want you to put a letter with your will ("only to be opened upon my demise" Ha! Sounds like an old gothic old Edgar Allan Poe novel...) Can you add something about that to it?
Finally, if you come up a couple of days *before* ovulation, is apparently best. Also you should get a couple of deposits so my sperm are swimming around just waiting for the big one (it's the big red ball that makes dreams come true!) :)

Sun, 25 Feb 2007

Hi H,
I've attached the agreement with some changes (mostly grammatical) and the addition you suggested about our leaving a letter with our wills to contact the other if we die. I think the agreement is pretty good, but want to know your view on termination of a pregnancy if tests show abnormalities in the foetus. Does this need to be included in the agreement?

I like the emphasis on mutual agreement, and think your ideas on contact and mediation are excellent. I'm not 100% sure about the identity bit. It reads as though you want to be kept completely anonymous to the child until s/he is 18. Is that a part of the agreement that we could consider having a separate mutual agreement about? For example, could the child know your first name? Could the child talk to you during an annual phone call?

Timing is going to be tricky, as I've just accepted a teaching contract. Travelling will be restricted to when I am not teaching and when I am ovulating. I'm a little worried about how this will work now, but would like to just keep going and see whether we can make it work. Thanks, and I look forward to hearing from you soon!
Melina

Monday, 26 February 2007
Hi Hippy-chick!

I'm starting with the boring stuff...

Good, I wrote the agreement after a long day and I was cutting and pasting from the original version and, frankly, couldn't be bothered doing a final proof-read...
I have made three small changes... (ATTACHED)

f. The Mother agrees that if she dies or loses their mental faculties or custody of the child, the Donor should be contacted as soon as is practically possible. The Mother agrees that a letter to this effect will be enclosed with her will.
g. The Donor agrees that if he dies or loses his mental faculties, the Mother should be contacted as soon as is practically possible. The Donor agrees that a letter to this effect will be enclosed with his will.

and later
f. In the event of another party seeking details of the donor, the Mother agrees not to disclose the identity or contact details of the donor. The Mother is to describe the donor as an unknown man or anonymous donor.

and later
b. The mother agrees to do everything in her power to prevent other parties from being able to identify the donor. The mother is to describe the donor as an unknown man or anonymous donor

All your other changes seem fine.

My understanding is that legally, the child doesn't exist until it is born, and so it is entirely your choice about terminations etc. I think it would be a dreadful shame if you were to have a sub-normal child and would encourage you to have tests and abort if the pregnancy would result in your child having a disadvantaged life.

Re contact; I started with the talking Turkey "No Contact" template, and adjusted it. The early clauses are a bit tight, but as it stands the 'contact sections includes...

c. The donor agrees to receive occasional telephone contact. This would be by mutual agreement of the donor and the Mother. For example an annual telephone call.
So, yes, that's fine. First name is OK too. the word "Identity" is a means to legally identify me... full name, DOB, drivers licence etc.

I have been told that before ovulation is better than after... sperm have to swim up and they live for a couple of days (girl sperm live longer) Please you should confirm this with some medical authority...

Can you travel up during the week still?

If you can get up here for this cycle that would be great! I'm looking forward to meeting you!

OK, that's the boring stuff...

To be fair, since you're paying to get up here, I'll organise a hotel room close to the city (or close to the airport?) and meet you there? So I don't get too much of a shock... please give me a bit of a description of yourself... Let me guess..."I've got long hair blowing in the breeze, around my heart I carry a silk pouch with my birth crystal in it and I'll be wearing a hand-embroidered indian silk sari with Tibetan sandles and henna-dyed hair down to my knees..." Am I correct? ;-)

It will be fun to meet you... jew-girls are always fun (although sometimes only fun in small doses ;) If you're anything like my mental picture of the person I think you are, I know we'll get on great.

Please confirm by SMS asap if you are coming up this cycle and when, so I can make arrangements.

"service with a smile"
H

Wednesday, 28 February 2007
Hi Hippy!
Are you coming up? You've been thinking about this for months... It's what you want, and now is the right time... and I'm sure you're just a little curious to meet me...
Let’s have a chat, can you email or sms me a number so we can talk about where to go next?
H

Wed, 28 Feb 2007
Hello H,
It seems the universe is conspiring against me for March. I don't think I can make it up this weekend, I'm sorry. No cheap flights left, plus family commitments. Please don't take this as a brush off though - if we have to wait until your return from Europe, I'm willing. What date do you actually leave? I don't have a mobile, but will try and purchase one with my first paycheck (something I've been putting off - the phone purchase, though I want that paycheck!!), and will be pleased to chat then. I'm looking forward to it. Yes, I'm curious to meet you, etc. etc.

By the way, I have to burst your bubble about my hippy appearance. I did have long, flowing hippy hair for many years, but currently look quite dykey, with short straight brown hair, and a decided preference for trousers, though I do like my sandals.... Also am more of an Eastern Eurpoean peasant build - short and stocky, green eyes, baby face. Will attach a pic to a later email when I find one that's suitable.
:)

Sorry for the delay in responding to your earlier email, and look forward to hearing back from you soon and planning the trip.
Melina

Saturday, 10 March 2007
Well,
I was hoping to father a supermodel, but that doesn't sound likely... But hopefully not like something from the zoo that descended on Sydney for Mardi Gras... talk about 'people watching'

You said that this cycle was not going to happen... so there was nothing to say.
I'm leaving on Sun the 1 April and I'll be back a couple of days after ANZAC Day.
Balls (pun intended) in your court, little hippy-chick.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I got one response to my ad in Blaze (Adelaide’s GLBT newspaper)

Saturday, 10 February 2007
Dear compassionate woman
I am a 38 yr university educated male thinking of becoming a sperm donor, I saw your advert and I would like to enquire about the what qualities in a donor you are seeking.
Thank you
E

Thursday, 22 February 2007
Dear Melina,
Thank you for replying to my email and answering some of my questions. I did not find your reply "full on" but very clear and considerate person. I do not get the impression from your email that you view males as simple sperm producers, as some people do.

At the moment I am just going through my mind the many social and emotional outcomes of donating, as you are well aware. My main concern is the welfare of any child. First of these the social environment in which this child will grow into. Do you have a strong network of family, friends and partners that will contribute to the raising your child. When I first began to think about these issues, I always thought of donating to a couple who have the support of one’s family and surrounded by other lesbian mothers. I am sorry if this is too personal.
E

Friday, 13 April 2007
Dear Melina,
Just writing to say Hi and that I have not disappeared. Just ill with a gastro bug and then the Flu. I also wonder what has been the response of your friends and family to your decision to use a donor?
Thanks E

Saturday, 14 April 2007
Hi E,
How nice to hear from you again. I hope you're feeling better. Gastro and the flu! Yuck....

In my family, my grandmother (now deceased) and my sister have been the two people in whom I have most confided. And they've always been very supportive of me. My mother and I are also very close. These are the main family members with whom I have discussed the whole idea of donors and having more children. I've also talked with one of my brothers, and with my own children. My children's responses have been interesting. They were adamant that it is unfair to bring a child into the world that doesn't know its father.

I have also talked with my closest friends about it all. Once we got past the "why on earth would you want to have more children now" conversation, they have been interested and intrigued by the whole idea. We have had many interested discussions about how it might work, and about the journey I've been on in trying to find a donor.

The idea of setting out to fall pregnant mindfully and deliberately is quite a radical concept for women who are not lesbians. And for lesbians, it's tricky because some lesbians still feel that having children is something only straight women would choose to do.

My mother got quite excited about the idea that I could choose a donor for particular attributes (such as race), and somehow create a child that was more of my choosing, than a genetic accident that happened because I was sexually attracted to a particular man. I think at that time both she and I felt finding a donor would be much easier than it has turned out to be. Actually I've discovered that the pool of choice is not big at all. If I'm going to be able to fulfil my dream, I will have to not only consider the needs and wants of the donor, but also choose to go with whoever presents himself as available and content to be a donor.

Sorry for the long response - I hope it's ok, and look forward to hearing back from you soon.
Melina

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I responded to more ads on PinkBoard. The men all seem to live interstate.

Hello,
You've made a very generous offer. I'm looking for a sperm donor, but I live in Adelaide. My ideal set up would be that my child know its father, or at least know something about its father. However, I would want to raise the child primarily on my own. Does that sound possible to you? I look forward to hearing back from you!
Melina

24/01/07
Thanks Melina. It's ok if you want to raise the kid primarily on your own, as long as I am known to the kid. But the fact that you live interstate can make it a bit tricky, unless you are willing to travel interstate. Let me know what your thoughts are and we can talk.
Cheers.
P

25/01/07
Dear P,
I owe you an apology. Very gauche, I know, but I confused you with another man who had advertised on Pinkboard. I am sorry.(He's the one who says he's an engineer and artist.) However, if you would like to continue our correspondence, I'm happy to do so.
Best wishes,
Melina

26/01/07
Dear P,
Hope you're enjoying this long weekend. Thanks for your email.
I am still interested in having a child. Very interested. Over the last few years, I've come up with a few bottom lines though, and one of them is that I want to continue to live in Adelaide, as it's a great place to bring up a family. Also, I have secure housing here, and the cost of living is not as high as in other places. Plus, my family and most social connections are here.

My living situation is that I've worked at various things over the years, and completed my qualification in secondary teaching last year. So I'm now looking at developing my career as a teacher. This has the potential for interesting, family-friendly work, and a secure income, things I consider important in planning to have a child.

A little more about me - I am 36, of European and Jewish extraction, short, stocky, brown haired and green eyed, and have two teenage children from a marriage when I was very young.

I don't know how any of this sits with you. I'd be interested to know, for example, what motivated you to advertise on Pinkboard, and what your ideal would be, in terms of fathering a child.
Best wishes,
Melina

26/01/07
Hi, thanks. I don't mind keeping talking to you. Are you still interested in the sperm donation thing?
Have a happy Australia Day.

28/01/07
Thanks you sound like a nice person. I'll be happy to keep email contact with you if you don't mind.
Cheers.
P

Hi P,
Thanks for your email. I sense that you're really looking for someone to co-parent with in Sydney. That's ok. I hope you find her! Keeping up a monthly commitment of interstate travel would be very difficult, and expensive for you.

I'd be very happy to have a Eurasian child - my family is of very mixed heritage anyway, and I have two brothers from overseas adoptions, so the more the mix, the merrier, as far as I'm concerned! And I'd be happy to fly over for the AI as well.
But I acknowledge that what I'm offering is not what you really want, so unless you feel ok about it, perhaps we should just leave it there, and hope that both of us find what we want in our own states?

I'm sorry, I don't know any lesbians in Sydney who are looking for a sperm donor.
All the best,
Melina

28/01/07
Hi P,
Have you considered registering as a donor at www.australianspermdonorregistry.net ? I've taken a look at the website, and it's very comprehensive - free for donors to register. Also, it divides donors by state, so you may have a better chance of linking up with someone in your area. I've just registered myself, and one of the questions asked is about how much contact is wanted, so you'd be able to put in your wishes, and have those considered by prospective mothers.
Melina

29/01/07
Thanks for your kindness. I have registered already but don't seem to get any response. Do you know if that website has a link to my email so when people send me a message it will bump into my email instead of my logging in that website and checking? Most of my responses are from Pinkboard.

As for your other email, just tell me about myself. I was born in China and moved to Australia in 2002. So around 5 yrs down the track. I'm working as an accountant. I quite enjoy life in Australia.
P

29/01/07
Hi again,
Thanks for your email!

I think the way the registry works is that it's up to women to contact themand ask for the contact details of any men they are interested in. It occurs to me that there is a cultural difference in Australia with regard to religion, that I thought I would share with you, in case it may make your details as sperm donor more attractive to women.

I'm not sure whether your registration lists you as "Christian", and I don't mean to offend if it is, but there are certain connotations to this designation that would make many lesbians avoid your registration.

In Australia, "Christian" is used to describe members of pentecostal and charismatic movements, as opposed to members of other churches, such as Catholic, Uniting, Anglican, and so on. The trouble with this, is that the pentecostal and charismatic movements tend to be extremely homophobic and antigay. Many women who identify as lesbian, even if they come from a Christian background, will generally not label themselves "Christian", because they feel discriminated against and hated by people from such movements.

This doesn't mean, of course, that one cannot be gay or lesbian and also Christian. There are also lesbians for whom their Christian identity is very important, and perhaps someone like this will see your registration and respond.
But most of the men who advertise on the Sperm Donor Registry would state their religion in terms of what their family was, and many of them probably aren't churchgoers. So if a man says he is Anglican or Catholic, this doesn't really mean that he attends church regularly, but that his family was Anglican or Catholic. In Australia, there have been big differences between Protestants and Catholics in the past, and even in the present generation, it is important to some people that their children are either Protestant or Catholic, rather than Christian or not Christian.
It's all rather confusing. If being Christian is an important part of your identity, and an important factor for you in terms of how your child is raised, it's going to be difficult to find lesbians whose views are similar, because of the homophobia within most Western religions (including Judaism - I'm Jewish :)

Anyway, I hope that makes some sense to you, and I hope I haven't caused any offence.
Melina

30/01/07
Thanks for your advice. I think another reason is that not many Caucasian women want their children to have Asian blood. Anyway do you have a pic? I went to Adelaide last Easter. It's nice a bit quiet though, but I don't mind being quiet. If my lover is willing to move with me there, I don't have a problem. But it appears that not many people want to.

Anyway thank you. I find you nice.
P

27/01/07
Hi, how are you? Not sure if you want to send me a Pic of yours. Or do you have a website that shows your profile?
Thank you.
Kind regards,
P
Sincerely wishing you a happy/happier day.

5/02/07
Hi P,
Sorry I didn't contact you for a week. And what aweek it was! I hope this finds you well. The last email, you said you'd talk to your lover about relocating to Adelaide... that sounds like a drastic measure to take?

Anyway, I'm hoping you will still find someone in Sydney to have a baby with. And in the meantime, I seem to have finally found someone in Adelaide that it seems to be working out with. But here's a picture of me, and please do keep in touch. Let me know how it goes.
Best wishes,
Melina

6/02/07
thanks Melina.
I didn't mean I would talk to my lover to relocate to ADL. What I mean is I wouldn't mind moving to ADL if my lover is willing to. And I don't have a lover at the moment.

I'm happy you find someone locally May things work out best for you.
Cheers.
P

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Number 2 Chinese background Pinkboard response

24/01/07
Hi there,
Saw your ad on Pinkboard. Any chance of your relocating to Adelaide? I want to have another child (or two), but can't move to Sydney at this stage.
take care!
Melina

24/01/07
Hi Melina,
Thank you very much for replying to my ad. Attached please find my detail. What is your nationality?

Although I have no plan currently to move, potentially there is still a chance we can come up with something. I mean I could fly over for you to have an AI etc. Can you tell me more about yourself?
Kind Regards,
L

26/01/07
Thanks Melina for your detailed answer. Your motivation for a child sounds very good for me. But living interstate with the child is a big challenge for me. I would ideally have regular say, once a month, contact/visit with the child though I don't have to seek an active parental role. Plus I'm not sure if you would be interested in having half Asian blood for the child as I'm Asian. And for you to travel to NSW to get inseminated is probably a big hassle? Anyway let me know what your thoughts are.

By the way, do you know someone else in Sydney who's looking for a sperm donor?
have a nice weekend.
L

26/01/07
Dear Melina,
Thanks for your reply.

My email is now fixed. We can now correspond with this.

I think your other attributes sounds suitable for me, except you are a bit far. But I believe there should be some ways to do it. I too have a lot of difficulties finding a co-parenting partner. (Very few replies) So I hope we can work something out.

Can you send me your photo?

Hope you don't mind me asking your sexual orientation (Lesbian/Bi/Hetro). Do you currently have a partner?

Firstly I am financially secured, working as a professional Electrical Engineer/Designer. I am also an amateur artist. I specialize in portraits & caricatures. It would be no problem for me to fly down for you to have AI.
With relocating, do you think it's possible for you to move to Sydney, with some financial help from my side?

Please give me a rough figure how much it would cost you, had you decided to do this.
And if you think moving is not viable, then how much weekly cost do you think to raise a child in Adelaide? (how much is my weekly contribution?) If you can't move then obviously I have to consider visiting the child less often. Maybe once a month.
Do you have a religion?
Cheers
L

Thursday, January 25, 2007
Dear L,
Thanks for sending your details. They are very comprehensive! I'm 36, and come from a European background. On my father's side, German and Scottish, on my mother's side Italian, German, Jewish. I identify as Jewish. I am short and stocky, with brown hair and green eyes. I am very healthy and strong. I have two teenaged children from when I was very young and married. I have been trying to extend my family for the past 6 years, but have found it difficult to find a donor. I have worked in office work for some time now, but have also worked as a cleaner and signwriter. I recently gained my qualification in teaching, and intend to pursue a teaching career from this year. I have secure housing in Adelaide. I am also a writer and artist.
After re-reading your ad, I realise that you are looking to co-parent, and it is a shame we live in different cities. Your idea of visiting one a week and so on, is a really good one, but it wouldn't be possible if we didn't live in the same city... What do you think?

Anyway, what kind of art work do you do?
Best wishes,
Melina

Saturday, January 27, 2007
Dear L,
Thank you for your email. I've attached a photo of me, taken in December 2005.
I've taken a look at your website. You've worked in many different art forms, and have obviously developed your skills to a high level! I have dabbled at art, and the only qualification in art that I have, is in signwriting. So I've made many banners with words, and have started to take my painting skills a little more seriously. I also love collage, and have also worked with textiles (tie dyeing and patchwork). But I haven't done much 3D work at all!

I'll answer your questions first, and then ask some more of my own.
1) sexual orientation
I am a lesbian and I am single. I've only had one partner, and that relationship broke up some time ago. It's not my priority, to find a partner, but if it happens, the woman would need to accept me as a mother as well as a lesbian. When I was 19 I got married, but this didn't work out (not only because I turned out to be a lesbian). I have two children from my marriage, aged 15 and 16. They visit their father regularly - he lives a couple of suburbs away. Prior to my marriage, I didn't have any other boyfriends or girlfriends!

2) religion
My religion is Jewish, but not orthodox. This means that for me, being Jewish is more of a cultural heritage, although there are of course celebrations and some rituals that are part of my everyday life. My family is culturally diverse. I have two brothers who were adopted from overseas. My family is very welcoming of diversity, and has accepted my sexuality without problem. My parents are supportive of my wish to have more children.

3) finances, career and housing
Financially, I am a teacher, and hope to find secure part-time teaching work in the next couple of weeks. I feel that teaching is an ideal career for a mother, and would want to work part-time, in order to have time and energy for parenting, domestic duties, and other things I enjoy, such as writing, artwork and gardening. I live in public housing, which I am entitled to keep for as long as I want. The good thing about this, is that my rent is scaled according to my income. So if I'm only working part-time, my rent is less than if I were working full-time.

I note your question about how much it would cost as a monthly allowance - I'm not really sure I know how to answer that though. This would depend on things such as whether you were named as the father on the birth certificate (which would make you legally liable to pay child support), and how much you wanted to contribute. I feel travel costs for you would be a large part of this. As the child got older, and wanted to do things such as music lessons, or sport, or school excursions and so on, perhaps an allowance would be appropriate. I think we would have to negotiate this sensitively acccording to the needs of the child.

4) relocating
I have to be very clear that I am not attracted to the idea of moving to Sydney. I have my family and support network in Adelaide, as well as my home and my other children, who would not be permitted to move interstate. For me, it's not just about the money side of things, although the cost of living is lower in Adelaide and I have my secure housing here. I believe Adelaide is a good place to raise a family, because of its climate, environment, schools, open spaces and ease of transport.

I realise this issue of distance is a real one, and I think it is important that you consider carefully whether you would be happy with an arrangement whereby your child was being brought up in another state, and you only got to see it once a month. Obviously, as the child got older, travel from Adelaide to Sydney would be possible, but the child's need for security is very important too.

Things that I think you should consider include: where would your parents, your culture, and your needs as a father fit in with this arrangement? For example, what was your motivation for advertising on PinkBoard? Do you have a religion? What are your ideas about child raising? What do you consider is important and necessary for children?
I look forward to hearing back from you!
Best wishes,
Melina

28/01/07
Dear Melina,
Thanks for your email & photo.

Despite me being gay, I think you are rather nice looking.

I'll have a deeper thought & answer your questions in the last mail in the next one.
Basically, though it's not ideal, I can accept to have a child raised in another state.

Anyway, I am a Christian. I have one request that I would regard as important. That it would be a sorrow if my child is grown up non-Christian. So would you agree to raise him/her up as a Christian?

You are also welcome to ring me & have a chat.
Regards,
L

Sunday, January 28, 2007
Dear L,
Thank you very much for your email and compliment! I'm afraid though, that I also have strong views on religion. I wouldn't be comfortable to raise a child as a Christian, because from my culture, children born to a Jewish mother are Jewish. So I think I must say at this point that it won't be possible for us to have a child together.

However, I wish you all the best in your search for a mother for your child. And I'd be happy to continue our email correspondence to see how it all goes for you.
All the best,
Melina

28/01/07
Dear Melina,
Yes, it's a pity it didn't work out.
But all the best & keep in touch.
Regards,
L

Work Choices - the new white Australia policy?

WorkChoices - the new white Australia policy?
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007

This week I met with my Job Network Provider, who shall remain nameless. People I have talked to say that I should “report her”, but I don’t know what good that would do.

In any case, report her for what? For shamelessly displaying a lack of compassion and ignorant racist attitudes that are grounded in the economic rationalism which constructs and governs her professional persona? Should she be punished for speaking her mind, because I find the things she has to say disturbing and offensive? I’m sure many more Australians lack the courage to speak the hatred and rage they harbour in their mean little tight-fisted hearts.

It could be that in voicing these things, she was testing me or testing herself, pushing the boundaries. Maybe she’s ready to push through and transform herself into a glorious-blooming-heart-on-the-sleeve-loving-compassionate-angel?

Anyways, I have to fulfil my obligations to the Australian Government and continue to meet her regularly so she can track my employment. So much for WorkChoices!

This woman’s job is to assist people to find employment. She has been brainwashed into believing that everyone is employable and that those who are unwilling to take whatever job is offered them, are traitors to the Australian economy, and bludge off the Australian taxpayer. She has spoken to me seriously about what I will do during the school holidays when I do not have work. Yes, this is an industry shutdown. It would be unreasonable to expect me to go to work at schools when there’s no one to teach. On the other hand, I am healthy and strong and I must be prepared to take whatever’s going – whether that be cleaning, retail, office work or following the grape harvests. (Actually, I threw in the grape harvests – it’s my idea. I mightn’t mind doing that for a week or two…)

She has several intractable clients. The Long-Term Unemployed (people) resent their obligations to meet with her regularly and to jobseek. She in turn resents having to do anything to assist these clients in meeting their obligations. I can understand this. It is frustrating and self-defeating to feel that one is putting energies into attempting to help someone who does not wish to be helped.

The power of transformation lies within every individual’s grasp, but she or he must be willing to grasp the possibilities of transformation in order for it to take place.

This woman can take all the steps she has in place to help her clients, but if her clients do not wish to be employed in the jobs she makes available, they have the power to invent ways to avoid becoming employed. It’s not that hard to miss out on a job.

She has spoken to me before about the problem she has encountered with clients who are refugees to Australia. These people are prepared – even desperate to work, but they lack the necessary language skills to be able to do so. She blames her clients for their failure to learn English. In the conversation we had this week, she blamed me as their putative teacher, for failing to teach them English, and failing to instruct them in Australian values that would induce them to be jobready.

I am fully aware that this woman has no educational training. She has no concept of what it means to enter a new culture and to acquire a new language. It would be unfair for me to condemn her for lack of insight into these matters. On the other hand, she was a sole parent herself – and as a parent she would know that neither she, nor her children learned Australian English in 12 months, even as bright-eyed bubbly babies. Why she imagines culture-shocked traumatised adults who experience racism from white Australia almost every time they step outside their front doors would have the willpower and means to acquire workready English within 12 months of classes is beyond me.

Would it be equally unfair for me to condemn her for failing to recognise the skills and resources that refugees bring with them into their new homes? She refuses to get off her pedestal and sit on the floor with them to see everything they have to offer, let alone listen to the dreams and hopes they hold inside their hearts for what their lives could be, in this new place of promise.

That’s not after all, what WorkChoices is about. WorkChoices is not about the worker’s choice – we are all workers, cogs in this immense social machinery. It is our privilege and our obligation to take whatever place is allotted us within that machine. We know the limits of our power to choose and if we choose not to conform, we are learning quickly, under this ever-tightening regime, how severely we will be punished for our differences.

Refugees do not know about this machinery. They do not know that their choices are so limited. Their spirits have not yet been crushed and remodelled to resemble the narrow aspirations of White Australia. Having struggled so hard to reach these shores, they are full of hope and wonder.

My Job Network Provider made the mistake of assuming that I am a “White Australian” like her, which in fact, I am not and have no intention of becoming, despite my outward appearance. I did not feel safe enough in this situation to set her straight on that point. But I left her office feeling angry, betrayed and bewildered. Also deeply shaken and frightened by the hatred she expressed and its potential to erupt in ways that will fracture and destroy the peace that Australia has built upon generations of dispossession, denial and apathy.

Her view is that Africans come to Australia and milk our welfare system; impoverish Australia by sending most of their welfare money back to Africa; refuse to take on Australian cultural values, which embody the Australian work ethic. She believes African men send their wives and children to Australia in order to collect the sole parent pension when they know full well their husbands are in Africa living it up. She believes that African men who are in Australia live 7 – 11 in subsidised 3-bedroom rental properties, in order to save welfare money and send it back to Africa. They refuse to learn English, in her opinion. This is backed up by her clients’ accounts of how they spend their time. They do a couple of hours of ESL (English as a Second Language) every day, and then hang out with their buddies from their own culture, who speak their own language. They never interact with anyone else outside the classroom. They fight amongst themselves (clearly in her mind all Africans are the same) and they fight with Aboriginal people. She believes all Africans are racist.

If that’s not a marvellous example of projection, I don’t know what it is.

I did try to educate her a little.

I talked about refugee camps, economy and the fact that people who have had nothing need time to learn how to work with money, budgets and to acquire a worldview where employment is a possibility.

I did not talk to her about war and dispossession and the fact that so many African men have been killed or disappeared, leaving their wives and children with no father and no husband. I did not mention to her the uncounted dead women and children who never have the chance to come to Australia at all.

I did not talk to her about the young men who escaped to Australia after years of lives as child soldiers. These men need time to transform their self-images and embrace positive possibility for how to go on living. What they have endured is no less traumatic and scarring than the atrocities many were forced to witness and commit.

When I pointed out to her that many African families have more than one wife, her response was instantaneous and blunt: “That’s not our culture.”

What could she have meant by this? That therefore these people should not be allowed to enter Australia as refugees? That therefore these people do not really exist? That they are not really people at all?

She believes refugees should receive Education in Australian Values before they are allowed to come into the country. What does that mean? How is that even possible, when such education would have to be so decontextualised as to be meaningless?

How do you teach someone who has never taken a holiday, what it means to go away for a long weekend? For someone who has never celebrated Christmas or Easter, that they should put up a Christmas tree in December and wait for the Easter Bunny in March or April every year? For people who have seen different flags, different uniforms, different governments come and go, always at their horrendous expense, that they must now swear allegiance to the Australian flag? What has Australia ever done for them? Why would they choose to do so, if not on pain of death? Is Australia not a free and democratic nation?

Why on earth would you say to someone who struggled so hard to gain access to Australia that they have no right to assist the fractured remnants of their families who remain in harrowing, dangerous, inhuman circumstances overseas?

There is at least one other way of looking at the issue of sending money to Africa. Refugees have a great deal to teach Australians about complacency and need. They should not be put down for their ability to survive on so little. Isn’t this something we should applaud and emulate? Most Australians believe it is impossible to live comfortably on welfare.

For refugees, compared with having nothing at all, welfare means unimaginable affluence. The power to choose how to spend that money is precious indeed.

Also, the obligation to share is part of many of their cultures no less than it is part of most of Aboriginal Australian cultures – the part that white Australians sneer at and use to blame Aboriginal Australians for living in interdependent squalor rather than selfishly guarding their precious hoards in order to get ahead of their brothers and sisters and buy the bigger castle. When you suddenly have so much, it doesn’t mean you forget that your relatives overseas have nothing at all. Wouldn’t you do whatever you could, to help them bear their burdens?

Why shouldn’t refugees share accommodation? Is it the Better White Man’s way that each of us lives in isolation, autonomously and alone? Can you think of anything lonelier than
a) having your family dismembered dispersed and destroyed
b) being flown across the world to a place where no one speaks your language, no one knows you, and where the inhabitants are so suspicious of the colour of your skin and the whiteness of your teeth that they avoid meeting your gaze when they pass you in the street and pretend that you are invisible
c) existing alone in a small flat filled with no reminders of home, no loved ones and nothing of personal significance or value?

This is not milking any system. It is about living in community; sharing the burdens of being in a new place; learning how to be oneself and how to retain those shreds of identity left precariously intact, whilst reshaping oneself to be a new person, an Australian.

I can’t believe white Australians are so ungenerous as to place the onus of welcoming refugees onto the shoulders of those refugees...that we could be so inhospitable as to hold refugees responsible for their arrival on our soil. A refugee is just that – she has nowhere else to go.

I asked my Job Network Provider whether she sees any parallels between her refugee clients and her Aboriginal clients. She doesn’t, except to say that her Aboriginal clients are also all racist – but they believe they are the most entitled people in the country.

AREN'T THEY?
Aren’t Aboriginal Australians the dispossessed, the put down, the ostracised, the stolen, the labelled and the people of such immense, obstinate strength that they do everything in their power to resist the lure of economic rationalism that promises them an eternity of hell spent running on the treadmill of financial security? Are they no less entitled than White Australians, to make choices about what is important to them, and how they wish to conduct their lives?

What is WorkChoices, anyway, except a one-way street to slotting ourselves into a system that dispossesses every individual of his or her potential to self determine where she wants to work and what she wants to do? WorkChoices is not about choice. It is about obligation.

Like every one-way street, power exerts itself from above in a trickle down effect that swells to flood level the farther down the food chain that it flows. Those closer to the bottom are oppressed to a far greater extent than those in the middle. Those at the top ignore the fact that the obligations they are so fond of enforcing, were always supposed to be mutual.

My Job Network Provider finished up with these words: “These people have a welfare mentality. Australia used to be a welfare state, but not any more. Not now that we have WorkChoices.”

It was what preceded this statement that chilled me to the bone, especially because she conspired with me in saying it. Every fibre of my being resists the possibility of my collusion in the horrible crimes she conjures up. She is offended by the carelessness of refugees in their attitude to Australian culture and what it offers them. What other country in the world would let them build their mosques, she asks? What other country in the world would let them flaunt their beliefs, their languages, their cultural norms without requiring some cooperation in return – some assurance that they are not so different from the rest of us, and that they do not secretly aim to take us over? How dare they come here and expect handouts?

She said that White Australians are becoming angrier and angrier, and more and more upset by the way refugees are taking advantage of us. Already she lumps all newcomers into one group, and blurs the fragile boundaries of mutual respect that enable cultural diversity to flourish. I am truly frightened by the potential of this anger.

The rage of Aboriginal Australians is justifiable. I am saddened by the failure of White Australia to pay attention to what Aboriginal Australians have tried to share with us. But for White Australians who have never seen anything wrong with using our power for violence to repress and punish those upon whom we seek to foist blame; those whom we seek to control, the potential for deadly violence shakes me to the core of my being. To what extent am I part of this “us”? How can I prove that I am different? What good does it do me, as an individual, to cry out against her claim? What can I do to turn the tide?

Can you imagine anything more horrible than an explosion of retributive violence by those who sit three-quarters up the way of the ladder of success against newcomers who huddle around their fires at the very bottom of the ladder, still catching their breath, not having yet realised that the ladder is even there, available for them to grasp in their hands and begin to climb?

It is not the fault of refugees that White Middle Australia struggles.

Sperm Donor Adventures: the fifth installment

Sperm Donor Adventures: the fifth installment

a cautionary tale
(c) Melina Magdalena 2007

HOW TWO SENSIBLE, WELL-MEANING NICE INDIVIDUALS WHO CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER CAN RUN DIVERGENT AGENDAS AND ULTIMATELY RISK THEIR FRIENDSHIP. THE PARADOX IS THAT WHILE BOTH APPEAR TO DESIRE THE SAME AIM, WHAT EACH WANTS IS NOTHING LIKE WHAT THE OTHER IS PREPARED TO OFFER

This shattered fantasy

Once upon a time there was a woman-identified-woman and a man-identified-man, who had been friends for twenty years, ever since they shared a desk in the repressive high school environment that kept them both from being open about their true desires.

Now in their mid-30s, they have for several years flirted shyly with the possibility of starting a family together. The woman has been through a heterosexual marriage and its subsequent breakdown all within a few short years, while the man is finding it difficult to break from a long relationship in which he is being treated terribly.

Having a baby together seems like such a simple desire, but the idea drops like a bombshell into the relative stability of their lives, as each considers and weighs up the changes such an event would engender in their day-to-day lifestyles, future possibilities and current affiliations. Their conversation meanders over months of indecision and taut silences, at least where this topic is concerned.

And then one day the skies clear. The timing seems right. Both have entered new phases of their lives where they feel unencumbered by past mistakes and are free to seriously consider a shared future. They begin to talk with enthusiasm about the real possibility of becoming parents.

The man has wanted a child for a very long time. His family has pressured him for years to marry – even if he is gay, and to produce offspring, because otherwise who will look after him when he is old? He doesn’t want to marry – it wouldn’t be fair to the woman; nor is he willing to hand over his progeny for someone else to raise. Why can’t he have children on his own, as a single man? Society is against him.

The man and the woman come from divergent yet equally cherished cultural backgrounds. However, they also have shared understandings and similar experiences as people who go against the norms of their society. One idea leads to another. Soon they are talking on several levels about conception, pregnancy, birth, child rearing, schooling, extracurricular activities and housing. The more they talk, the more they realize they have in common. The possibility begins to take on a definite shape, rather like a fetus acquires more and more human characteristics, the longer it spends in the warm, creative environment of the womb.

They are mature enough to realize that clear boundaries need to be set around their possible family, around themselves as individuals, and around their relationship with one another as friends and co-parents. There is no question of changing their sexual preferences. Once the idea of a marriage of convenience has been raised, it can be set aside, as something that neither considers essential to their plan.

To co-parent, they will need to live in closer proximity to one another than they do at present. Having finally set his roots in a place he feels comfortable, the man is not willing to relocate closer to where the woman has her roots. In order for this to work, she will have to move to where he is.

Finally free from his oppressive relationship, the man’s horizons keep expanding, whichever direction he chooses to focus. He no longer needs to conceal his identity from workmates in order to protect his dignity and privacy. In this new space, he might even start developing new friendships. He begins to look backwards at his relationships with family members, and to slowly transform and reconstruct his position, which has never been satisfactory. He starts to give and accept respect from family members who have always seen him as a problem.

The woman is excited about moving to a new place. She considers the man’s demand reasonable. She has worked hard on herself, and feels she has the skills and experience necessary to develop new networks wherever she is. Her career is portable and in demand. Where the man lives, (as he points out), there are greater opportunities for her, because it is a larger city. If she were to pursue postgraduate studies in her future, a new place and a new institution would be desirable.

On the other hand, there are distinct disadvantages to moving, that she feels she needs to raise and consider.

Firstly, unless they choose to relocate with her (an option she is keen to extend to her almost grown up son and daughter), she would give up everyday access to them. It seems perverse to be considering starting a new family if it means abandoning her responsibilities to the family she already has.

The man says that he would welcome the woman’s children to this new city. He does not expect the woman to forsake her children.

Secondly, she would have to relinquish her close family ties. Her parents and siblings supported her through her troubles, and she sees herself now as someone who equally lends support to them. Living in a new place, away from them, would alter the dynamic of their supportive relationships. In today’s climate of explosive communications technologies, it wouldn’t mean giving up regular contact with her family members altogether though. The woman considers whether lessening their tight enmeshment might not be a good thing anyway. She thinks she can make it work.

Thirdly, though the man had actively dissuaded potential friends from getting to know him wherever he had lived, because he was embarrassed and did not want them to know that his partner was abusing him, the woman has developed several close and supportive friendships. She would be sad to cause these friendships to attenuate and change, because of the physical distance that would be imposed upon them. However, in the same way that her family ties could be maintained, she reasons that change is inevitable and not always a bad thing. At least her friends would have someone to visit, should they find the means to get away, once in a while.

Finally, she would have to give up her home. It is not a particularly nice home, but it is hers for life, the rent is controlled, and even as a financially vulnerable new mother, she will not risk losing it, because while she isn’t working, her rent will be reduced. She is allowed to have pets, she has a garden, and her home is conveniently located near public transport and not too far from anywhere she wishes to go. It took her 15 years to get this home. If she gives it up, she will never have that chance again. She needs to be sure about this.

She decides that she is willing to give up her home as well, in order to start a new family with her friend. They begin to explore the possibility of sharing a home, as well as talking over ideas about co-parenting from separate homes.

One of the striking differences between the man and the woman is the incomes they have at their disposal. The disparity between them is hardly unusual – most too-young-married-and-then-divorced-single-mothers take very little with them into their new lives, and what with healing from the treatment they received as wives, as well as nurturing their children, they have little opportunity to acquire property. As a childless-professional-man, he has properties, savings and future prospects. The world is his oyster.

They talk briefly about money matters. The man says: “I’m prepared to give money, but only for the child. Anything I give will have to be to educate and improve the child – music lessons, and so on.”

The woman believes that her education and healing experiences have well equipped her to set herself up as a new mother, and to sustain the level of affluence to which she has become accustomed. She is aware that their financial differences are more uncomfortable for her friend. He is still recovering from being cheated and robbed by his former partner. Of course he would be a little tender when it came to dealing with finances. Anyway, starting a family is not about the money. If he wants to be generous or stingy, that's his business. She doesn’t want or need his money.

If she can get a steady job, she can also get a mortgage. If they can’t live together, perhaps they can buy two plots of land side by side on one of the new housing developments? Maybe they can live next door to each other? The woman writes an email to the man, with this fantasy.

“I dreamed last night of a little girl, maybe eight years old. She had walked home from school with a friend, and as natural as could be, came home. She pointed at one house and said – that’s where Mum lives, but she’s at work today. On Wednesdays I always go to Dad’s after school. Come on, this is his house. She opened the gate next door to my house, and started up the garden path. It seemed so normal and natural for her, and she seemed so happy.”

Having lived largely off welfare benefits whilst raising her other two children, the woman plans this time around to be a full-time mother only for a year at most, and then to take on part-time work gradually, as her child grows old enough, but preferably not to have to put the child into care for its first three years of life. She feels strongly that it is better for children to be raised at home if possible. She and her friend have discussed this. He plans to work part-time, so that he can share the parenting.

The man has sold his most recent acquisition and is looking for a new home away from bad memories. Excited by prospects of starting a family with his friend, he changes the parameters of the house he is prepared to buy, to accommodate her and a child. He wants to live as close to the centre of the city as he can, because this is convenient for him in terms of work, study and play. He puts in an offer on a triple-storey inner city warehouse, and rings his friend to tell her all about it.

“It’s great! There are three bedrooms, each with its own en suite.”
“Three storeys?”
“Yes, and the bedroom at the top will be perfect for you and the baby.”
“They’re not babies for long, remember.”
“Yes – for the child. And a spare bedroom, in case anyone wants to visit.”
“And maybe if one of my kids wanted to move over, they could have that room?”
“Well … yes, they could stay for a while until they found their own place. It’s a guest room. The piano will go in the kitchen – that’s the only place big enough. I’ve measured.”
“Have you thought about what it might be like to be playing while there are other people racing around?”
“My old piano teacher’s children grew up with him playing all the time. They just got used to it.”
“Uh huh. What about the outside?”
“There’s no yard at all. Remember it’s an inner city place, and they’re very expensive, so I couldn’t really afford a house with a yard. But that doesn’t matter. I won’t have time to garden anyway.”
(long pause for thought)
“Well, you know I’m really a hippy at heart…”
“Yeah, and there are all these alternative people around. You’ll feel right at home. It’s near lots of trendy shops and things.”
“It would be hard to raise a child without a back yard.”
“Well you don’t have to live with me if you don’t want to, but there are parks – and besides you won’t have time to garden.”
“What do you think I’ll be doing with my time?”
“You’ll be busy with the baby. There’s a balcony outside the bedroom at the top, you can put some pot plants out there, and spend your time making the inside of the house look nice.
“Also, I've been thinking, and I think you would agree that it's fair that if one of us gets a partner, and I don’t expect this to happen for a long time, who knows – it might never happen, you would have to move out…”
(long significant pause)
“With the child, or by myself?”
(shorter significant pause)
“With the baby, of course.”

That night, the woman can’t sleep. She tosses and she turns. She cries, heartbroken. Something is seriously awry in the developing picture. Her idea was that they live close, parent together, and share their lives with their child – or even children, as they’ve discussed the possibility of having two, if she can manage it before menopause.

Now she’s not at all sure what he wants. She feels panicked, trapped, controlled. What would it be like living in that warehouse? How could she possibly afford the cost of living in private rental interstate where she doesn’t know anyone or anything and it’s well-known to be far more expensive than where she is? Does he just want her to have a baby so he can take it away, as he’d threatened once, long before?

She tries to be reasonable. The picture he paints of his warehouse doesn’t match the picture she had expressed in her email to him.

- Are there areas of compatibility?
- Can they still make it work?
- What are the possibilities?
- Does he realize what it wild cost (financially and emotionally) for her to uproot and move interstate?
- Is he prepared to support her in meeting those costs, since he refuses to entertain the notion of moving to where she is?
- Is it once again her, who has to do all the compromising and all the giving?
- Has he no idea that a stable home is one of the most precious gifts a child can receive?
- Will he use his professional capacity and buying power to take the child away?
- Will he expect her to live on her own with the child, unsupported financially and emotionally, yet be available at his convenience?
- What are his ideas about how it would be, to live together, or live close to one another?
- Does he want a baby?
- Does he want to parent?
- Does he want a family?
- Does he want to be a father only at his convenience?
- How will he cope with the restrictions having a child will inevitably place on his opportunities to live life the way he has been living as a single man (unattached)?
- Just what is he willing to put into this family, other than his sperm?

They talk again, the next day. The cracks have begun to show. The fabric of mutual understanding is fraying at the edges. The tension between them is palpable, zinging and pinging up and down the phone line.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’d be very happy to raise a child in a place like that without a garden.”
“I said before – you don’t have to live with me if you don’t want to.”
(oh but i do – while it lasted, it was such a beautiful, peaceful, rainbow-coloured fantasy)
“What about my idea of us living next door to each other?”
“You’ve never bought a house. You can’t know what it’s like. You don’t have any proper understanding of property values. I could never afford to buy an inner city block that was big enough. The chances of two places coming on the market near each other are impossible. What you’re talking about is a fantasy. It’s unrealistic.”
“But what about in one of those new developments?”
“I’m not moving to an outer suburb. I’d have to drive into work every day, or catch the tram or something. I suppose you could rent a house out there. It wouldn’t be as bad as if you lived interstate. At least I could come and visit regularly.”
“I’d still be giving up my children, my family, my friends, my home – and for what?”
“I thought you really wanted this baby.”

Sperm Donor Adventures: the fourth installment

Sperm Donor Adventures: the fourth installment

the sperm saga
© Melina Magdalena (2007)

I can divide my list of 12 prospective donors into two clear camps – those men who get a thrill out of knowing their genetic material has become a baby, and those men who want to be mummies. The heterosexual respondents have less at stake in reproducing, and tend to be less possessive of their potential offspring. I can understand this – like lesbians, homosexual men on the whole become parents by choice, which makes the decision to embark on such a journey, very significant.

It’s been an interesting ride. I’ve had to assess and reassess my motives, needs and comfort zones, and maybe I’m not just a nice person anymore. Maybe I am someone to reckon with, someone to respect, someone whose views are valid and worth considering. I feel clearer. I feel less guilty.

Not to deride men’s needs and wants in terms of being fathers – one part of me applauds their brave assertion that they can and will and want to parent, and not just supply the genetic material to father a child. The trouble is, unless I supported the arranged marriage of convenience scenario, I don’t trust mutual goodwill to carry through into twenty years of action.

So maybe I’m not just a nice person anymore. I’m definitely not that doormat. I’m suspicious, untrusting and impatient. If it were going to happen that way, I would have become friends with this man by now. We would be on our mutual journey of friendship embarked upon for the purpose of exploring the possibility of creating a family together.

And that is the key – not one of these men wants to be part of my family.

They all have wants, needs, desires, ideas and opinions. Some of them have expressed their intention to contribute financially to the raising of a child. Several very clearly stated they would not. One of them asked me why I want to have more children when I already have two. The rest don’t seem to care. For them, my motivations aren’t important. It is all about what they want.

There must be a degree of defensiveness that directs their motivations so selfishly. This, combined with their lack of experience in how life changes when one becomes responsible for another, feels shallow and rings hollow. It engenders a typically angry feminist defensive response in me that says – well what about me, and what I want? What about the child, whose needs and rights must also be considered? It’s not all about you men. You already have it your way most of the time in this world!

Which maybe explains how I’ve returned to the beginning of my journey. At the beginning I didn’t understand why all I wanted was some sperm. It seemed vaguely unfair, and possible immoral.

I just wanted some sperm so I could get pregnant.

I just wanted some sperm so I could get pregnant and have a baby.

I just wanted some sperm so I could get pregnant and have a baby and be left in peace to raise my child.

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Something I’ve written bothers me. It niggles at the back of my mind – something doesn’t ring true.

The idea that someone doesn’t want to be part of my family is distinct from the idea of my wanting to be part of someone else’s family. These men have not told me in so many words that they don’t want to be part of my family. I have placed that understanding upon our communications. I’m choosing to read it that way.

To me, the essence of family is not a group of autonomous individuals, but a group of interactive and interdependent human beings who share and contribute to one another’s lives, for the good of all. It’s not necessary to share a roof, but it is necessary to share an understanding of one another’s needs and wants, and to cooperate in attaining mutual goals.

Could it be unrealistic to believe I could find a man to or a couple of men with whom I could create a family that were not based on sexual bonds between us? If I were in the heterosexual dating game, presumably I would have a right to be choosy in the man I chose to bed and wed. The pool of choice in my case has not been large – the metaphor of drought could hardly be more clichéd.

Could Reverend Moon be in the right – that virtually any two adults whose sincere intentions are to work together to build a loving harmonious home can form a lasting marriage, even arranged under his auspices? The trouble with the arranged marriage is that its nature is patriarchal. I am unwilling to subjugate myself to the male: the husband, the father…

And if I have the courage to be brutally honest with myself, I have rejected on my own terms at least as many prospective donors as have rejected me.

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I have seriously entertained the ideas of raising a child in an environment that included its father. My concept of living as a mother naturally means living in a family. A family for me includes my friends and my relations, and those of my children. When men have expressed their desires to parent a child that we created together, I automatically assumed this would mean working together, not separately. It means that just as I would consider the lifestyle and needs of the father of my child, I would expect him to consider mine.

I’ve reached a point now where I think this is unlikely ever to occur. I think it is so unlikely that it is undesirable for me to even aspire to this.

It comes down partly to issues of control, which have something to do with money, but are mostly to do with time – my time, and how I choose to spend it.

Perhaps my intentions and behaviour could be labelled male. If male means wanting to control the parameters and install boundaries in those places that keep me feeling comfortable, than I am willing to own that term. If male means having the power to decide and choose how far I am willing to expend my energies for another adult, and to choose to not give that power away, than I willingly assume that label. But that is probably not a useful tangent for this discussion.

While I already arrange my life around the needs of my children, and to a lesser extent around my friends and my relations, I do not want to contend with a man who will interfere and impose his wants over mine. I’ve lived like this already for thirteen years, having to constantly defend my needs and the needs of my children, firstly by stridently insisting that those needs exist and are valid, and then in learning how to be successful in ensuring those needs get met. Most of the time it has not been successful. There has been a great deal of suffering, stress and sorrow. Sure – it’s useful to learn how to identify and assert one’s needs, but this uphill battle for survival has no tantalising goal. It seems a waste of precious energy. I don’t want to do that again.

My children expressed to me their belief that it would be unfair on a child not to know its father. When the issue has been raised, invariably one of them asks “But who is going to father this child, Mum?” It’s a good question.

In lesbian parenting circles the language revolves around the use of known donors and unknown donors. The idea of anonymous has been relegated to some slightly smutty arena. We don’t have to go there anymore, in these days of self-funded IVF fertility clinics.

You will already have picked up on the verb ‘to use’. Nobody likes to be used. We all like to be acknowledged. We like to be given our due, to know that our actions are appreciated.

When financial remuneration is not an option, what motivates men to donate sperm for others to use?

And we’ve come back full circle – there are those men who get a thrill out of their own reproductive prowess (and want little or nothing to do with their offspring) and those men who want to be mummies.

All I want is some sperm.

Adventures with sperm donors - the third installment

Adventures with sperm donors – the third instalment
It’s all about the money!
© Melina Magdalena (2007)

i. subversity
It is illegal in Australia to buy and sell body parts. This means that I cannot sell off a kidney, an egg, some skin or a knee-joint to help someone in need. I can give these away if I choose, but I cannot be recompensed for my troubles.

Interestingly, body parts include bodily fluids – not just blood, but sperm. Before I was aware of this, I put together little ads for noticeboards around the universities, offering to pay cash for the donation of sperm. My notices were brightly coloured, with strips cut along the bottom, showing my email address for making contact. Then, being obsessed by email and completely possessed by the idea of making a baby, I sat at my computer like a broody hen waiting for dozens of virile and poverty-stricken male students to make contact and offer me their sperm. I even had a set of questions planned for sorting whose sperm I wanted.

In my seven or so attempts with this process, I received a grand total of one response.

Now I acknowledge – it’s potentially embarrassing to be observed, ripping off an email address from the bottom of a notice that is offering cash for your donation of sperm, but I am still astounded by the lack of responses, given that these young men didn’t see me putting up the notices. Were they all just too busy studying and making ends meet in their conventional ways? Were they savvy enough to know that what I was proposing was illegal?

Is it all about the money?

There are two songs whose subversive themes of independent baby-making consume me.

“All That She Wants” (Ace of Base)
and
“All I wanna do is make love to you” (recorded by Heart)

The theme of these songs is the conception of a child by a woman who wants nothing from the man she sleeps with, except his sperm to start the baby. I find this completely exhilarating and liberating.

You cannot imagine how many times I have fantasized about emulating the example set by these fine songs. If I had it in me, and if I trusted my gut instincts to be able to pick men who were healthy, I would probably have long-conceived my children by risking having sex with men I didn’t know, and who didn’t know me. Do you understand where I’m coming from? This has nothing to do with the thrill of the chase, with the idea of having sex with a man; it’s not about the taking of control over a man; it’s not about deceiving a man; it has very little to do with the man in fact – it is purely to do with the making of babies and children.

However, I am sexually maladroit and too well informed about male power and the potential of disease, to travel down this path with any sense of realism. I do find it ironic in the extreme that this is the path oft chosen by women who have children out of wedlock, whether they choose this consciously or not.

ii. heteronormativity
As a woman-identified-woman and a feminist, I disallow myself this path. So all that is open to me is a path less travelled* – the path of open, honest intention, commitment and the eternal risk of being maligned, misunderstood and even having my child taken from me because its father is a known donor.

In seeking a donor, and in my intention to raise the child outside of a heterosexual couple, I have no choice but to allow the law to advantage me where it does, and accept that in the greater part, the law naturally disadvantages me. (On the one hand, I can claim Parenting Payment at the Single Rate. On the other hand, as a single lesbian in South Australia, I have no way of accessing fertility clinics unless I pay a lot of money or travel interstate.)

Where does this leave a woman who – on the one hand desires to fulfil her own potential in bearing a child and who is exhorted by her Prime Minister to do so, but who on the other hand is not recognised as a legitimate child-bearing woman by that Prime Minister or his government? What is the correct course of action for her to take? Must she pander to heteronormativity and dupe some man into inseminating and marrying her?

Who is better off within an unhappy marriage… an arranged marriage… a marriage of convenience? Is it better for the woman (the wife, the mother)? Is it better for the man (the husband, the father)? Is it any better for the children?

It has been statistically proven that marriage is good for men, and that marriage is not good for women**. Marriage is only better for children if the level of material support offered them within the marriage is better than they would have while living with a single mother. It is a truism that single women cannot support their children the way married women can. We are bound by the laws of the society in which we dwell – these laws do not allow us the material resources to raise our children in anything but poverty. Naturally, we are blamed for making the “choice” to do so.

Besides, men these days are wise to the wiles of women. The prevailing stereotype is the man who will not commit, will not support, will not acknowledge the needs of his female partner whose biological clock ticks like that time bomb in the pit of her hollow womb. Men who do not consider a wife and children to be a financial liability and an impediment to their freedom would seem to be a decided minority these days. Bitter divorcees and non-custodial fathers scream loud and long at being deprived of their fatherly and husbandly rights and being forced to cough up because their fickle wives have opted out of partnership with them. For such men it would seem that it is indeed all about the money. (If you think this is unfair, why don’t you consider the effect their behaviour has on the children they claim to love so dearly.)

iii. giving
I’ve never read The Selfish Gene (Richard Dawkins, 1976), and I haven’t thought a great deal about altruism. I’ve been confronted during my activism by the ideas that my upbringing and social conditioning determine my worldview. I accept that it’s impossible for me to have no prejudices. To be human means to judge and to make meaning according to my experiences. My past judgments affect the way I see the world today.

I don’t know whether it’s possible to give without a corresponding belief that my gift is worth something. In giving, I naturally accord a value to my gift. To some people, this seems to detract from the purity of giving simply because I am able to do so, and devalues the meaning I find in choosing to give. The prevailing idea seems to be that (because of the fallacy of altruism) one only ever gives with the expectation of getting in return, whether directly (i.e. karma, just desserts) or indirectly (what goes around comes around).

I recall a passage in the Siddur*** I used at a Reform Jewish Synagogue about different kinds of giving. One of the highest forms of giving was to give without needing the receiver to know that you were the one who gave to them. Next up the hierarchy was to give without knowing who would receive; again the receiver would not know who had given.

Is this the gift to which I aspire to, in seeking a man who will donate sperm so that I can have a child?

iv. rationalism
The dynamic that forces money issues into the raising of a child is the economic rationalist concept that it is irresponsible to bear a child outside of a world of material security. This argument suggests people on the edge of survival have many children in the knowledge that only a few of them might survive, and that people whose livelihoods are newly assured will have many children because they know these children will survive. This argument provides facts and figures that prove how expensive it is, to raise children. This argument suggests people who live in affluence really have better things to do, than raise children. This argument permits advertisers to promote junk food and consumer goods to children because cajoling their parents into spending money on them is really all that children are good for. Once those children are grown up (the sooner the better really), they will be out of their parent’s hair and able to engage with the world as a full-time consumer, thereby fulfilling their life’s purpose.

I come from a different place, a different understanding and a different kind of rationalism. For me, material security is a red herring. It is a figment of some economist’s imagination. It is not real. At any moment, conditions change. The trick is to adapt, to support, and to assist where one is able. That is what human beings are good at – living in community.

I am not trying to say that poverty too, is a figment of someone’s imagination. Financial stress is real. The fact that I finally have secure housing plays a large part in my determination to follow my dream. I just don’t think money is the deciding factor in whether one should bear children, and I don’t think people with a lot of disposable income have more reproductive rights than those who struggle.

v. responsibilities
Another stereotype about men and sex is that a man will tend to seek his sexual pleasure wherever it is to be found, with scant regard for (a) the appearance of the woman he is having sex with and (b) the comfort or pleasure derived by the woman he is having sex with. Of course – this stereotype is a sweeping and insulting generalisation that implies men in general do not care about their sexual partners, and that men are incapable of vicarious pleasure found in giving sexually to their partners. Despite the fact that my limited experiences with men support this generalisation, I do not subscribe to this belief.

However, I wonder – could it be true that a man would be more willing to give me his sperm if I had sex with him, even though any child so conceived would legally be his responsibility? This would seem to go against my argument that it is all about the money.

The baffling thing for me is that the question of finances has been raised by 10 of the 12 or so potential donors with whom I have been on the roundabout of will they or won’t they.

Perhaps these men don’t realise that the law in Australia makes a clear distinction between the fathers of children who are conceived through heterosexual intercourse and the fathers of children who are conceived through artificial or self-insemination?

As donors, men are not legally obliged to provide any material assistance towards the raising of the children they father, even if their names appear on the child’s birth certificate. Mothers and fathers do not have to bring the Child Support Agency into their little families. They can make private arrangements that may or may not include financial support from the father to the mother.

The main reason not to include the father’s name on the birth certificate seems to be a means for women to control how much the father of their child can interfere in their child’s life. A father’s name on the birth certificate is a step towards Family Court proceedings that may well end up awarding parenting rights to a donor father. This issue is kept strictly separate from the issue of child support.

The precept that to be a father is mainly about giving material support to the mother of one’s child has tainted any other possibility of what it means to be a father. This drives home the prevailing attitude that dictates that it is all about the money. It guarantees that people who attempt to discuss the creation of family before they bear children together, will start from a point of selfishness and materialism.

The responsibilities of a parent are towards the child, and not towards the other parent(s) of that child. Where responsibilities are concerned, it is not about who pays for what, so much as providing what a child needs to thrive and grow. Responsible parents must consider the roles they play in creating and sustaining the child’s home environment.

vi. rights
As a woman who chooses to bear and raise children outside of a heterosexual relationship, I also have the right and responsibility to make choices about how I wish to live and raise those children.

My proposition is radical only because the fact that women have raised children in this way for time immemorial is rendered invisible within the mainstream. It doesn’t make me wrong, and the mainstream right. The fact that I openly make the choice, rather than having it forced upon me through divorce or the death of my partner, should not affect the outcome.

I am not about cheating a man of his rights and his desires to be a father. It is not my intention to use a man to support my children and me. For me, the question of material support is irrelevant to the question of whether a man will give me his sperm so that I can have a child.

My rights as a mother are not about depriving another human being of his. If I take the responsibility for raising that child, then the father’s rights surely end where my responsibilities begin, whether or not he chooses to offer material support towards the raising of that child.

I have thought long and hard about the role a father could, would and should play in my child’s life. This is an important relationship. Like any human relationship, it depends entirely on the individuals involved. Despite our social conditioning, is not prescriptive. Different fathers want different kinds of relationships with their children.

My feeling is that on the whole, the men who have contacted me with regard to the possibility of donating sperm so that I can have a child are reluctant to give me their sperm because they feel that they are going to be somehow cheated of their rights as fathers. My feeling is that they have thought little about the rights of their child, and not at all about the mother’s rights.

I wonder what these prospective donors consider to be the responsibilities of a father towards his child, other than providing material support? What do they propose to contribute to their child’s well being? How do they propose to enrich their child’s life? Have they ever seriously thought about who they want to be, in the eyes and the life of their child?

Sperm Donor Adventures: the second installment

Sperm Donor Adventures: the second installment
(c) Melina Magdalena (2007)

By consulting my dictionary for accepted usage of words, I am not trying to deny anyone's realities. There is no doubt that the odd exception not only exists, but functions very well. This blog is my private indulgence. What I write here reflects my reality, my experience, my creation and my world.

In accepting the dictionary's offerings, I don't mean that the dictionary reflects anyone's reality. (Don't take the dictionary's word for it!) Language is alive and dynamic – we language users twist and transform the words we use, in order to suit our purposes and express our worlds. We are creators of language.

Furthermore, placing limits around what is acceptable to me does not mean I am placing the same restrictions on anyone else's life or reality. I further reserve the right to expand my boundaries or rein them in, as necessary.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
There’s a terrible irony in my quest to have another baby by finding a man who is willing to donate sperm for this purpose. Women who have sex with men fall pregnant accidentally more often than they fall pregnant having planned to do so! Having fallen pregnant, they deal with the consequences after the fact, rather than with intention. This is nothing new, and I don’t point this out in order to disparage women in this situation. After all, that’s how I got my first two children.

I heard this weekend a terrible tale of a heterosexual couple in contemporary compassionate Australia, who bore a second child in order to get the government's baby bonus. They then refused to feed the child, which almost perished from neglect and starvation. Alerted to the baby's plight, a social worker removed it along with its older sibling. The two have now been placed in the care of their grandparents. I know other members of this family, and have no reason to doubt the story’s validity.

This tale was told to me hot on the heels of my interest in a newspaper photograph, which depicted a welfare (single) mother and her five offspring sitting outside their home, having been evicted for accruing a (public housing) rental debt in the order of $10,000. Clearly, there’s more to this story than the fact that when the mother was in hospital to be treated for pregnancy complications with her fifth child, her children’s father moved into the home and failed to pay his portion of the rent that he owed, as an additional adult tenant.

This story was presented to me as another example of welfare cheats, and isn’t good that they get caught sometimes? The kinds of questions that were asked included
- Was that the father of all her children?
- Did he not live with them just so that she could get the pension?
- Why didn’t she get a job instead of depending on government support?
- Why did she have five children if she couldn’t afford to pay the rent?

Believe me – the pension is not all it’s cracked up to be! It’s a struggle to survive; a life of constant scraping the bottom of the barrel. Chronic financial stress is not a lazy or easygoing lifestyle choice.

I don’t know this woman’s story. I don’t know why she has five children, or who their father is. I think it was probably a good thing that the man moved in to look after the four that were motherless whilst she was in hospital.

I do know that men and women and children suffer under welfare and public housing regulations. I know of a father who is about to be homeless because he cannot afford the cost of renting a home for himself and his son anywhere in Adelaide these days. He’s sent the boy back to his mother, who already supports their daughter by working full-time. This mother won’t get any extra support for the son who is now also living with her, because he is over the age of eight.

Once upon a time, welfare families were those that depended on handouts in order to survive. When government welfare was extended to all mothers in the form of child endowment, it was partly in recognition of the struggles many women encountered when their spouses refused to contribute sufficiently towards housekeeping for her to clothe and feed their collective children.

This is not a new state of affairs. Some women have always chosen the route of leaving their husbands and going it alone, rather than despairing and bickering over the budget. This doesn’t make it fair on such mothers, that they have incurred sexually transmitted debt by dint of sleeping with men.

After long battles for justice, single mothers were granted additional welfare payments, when they did not get anything from the fathers of their children.

When this occurred, more women chose to turn their backs on the bitter battlegrounds of their marriages. The other side of the coin is what happened to the fathers of their children. There were several kinds of responses. Most common – those who turned their backs on their ex-wives and had little to do with their children; and those who became bitter in their own right because they perceived that women were now getting a better deal.

This generation of men has been succeeded by the fathers’ rights groups, who wage a vicious campaign against the rights of women and mothers. Why should they give money to the women who have stolen their children? Why do the Family Court judges rule in favour of the mothers, and neglect the rights of fathers? Why should they pay lawyers to represent them in the Family Court when they are just trying to defend their human rights?

Notably, the men’s movement never aimed to support fathers in acting upon their collective responsibilities as heads of households. There was no moral campaign to force fathers to change their spending habits, to do more housework, or even to help their children with their homework.

No, the men’s movement complains incessantly about women’s rights, and the disparity of attention awarded to the plight and rights of women, when compared with the attention given to men. Where children are concerned, the men’s movement seeks only to control, regulate and quantify the amount of time that a father should be spending with his offspring.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
These days, Johnny Howard has turned every Australian family into a welfare family. New names, new regulations and new obligations have been imposed upon people who receive child endowment and sole parent pensions. The sole aim of this is to systematically control and regulate Australian families. Provision of the baby bonus is another tool in the package. Behind the scenes are quite sinister objectives
– to punish women who do not bear their children in the correct heterosexual, coupled arrangement and
– to provide less and less income support for families in need

We are told that Australian women are not bearing enough children. Australians are living longer and there are not enough younger Australians to take care of the older Australians. What that means of course, is that Anglo-Celtic or other European Australian women are not having enough children, while other groups (particularly the newest waves of migrants and refugees) are having too many children. So Australian women (if they are of European origins) should have at least three children – one for the mother, one for the father, and one for the country.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
… back to the drawing board ...

It's a curious habit of this era perhaps, to transform nouns into verbs. Maybe it's something that has happened and will continue to happen for time immemorial? But I've definitely noticed a prevalence of this practice in Australia's bureaucratic jargon.

Maybe it's done in the "right" spirit, in order to open up new possibilities for living in the world, and to reflect our changing realities, but it often feels like something being foisted upon us, by grim, determined bureaucrats who believe they know what's best for us, and are intent on delivering that medicine whether we need it or not.

Maybe having initiated such grammatical transformations, the people who make up our society will limp along and eventually catch up with the game?

… for example …
Father
and
Mother
and
Baby
are all people/ nouns/ things/ subjects/ objects

‘to baby’ means to deal with something in the same way that one would treat a baby

‘to mother’ means to behave like a mother

‘to father’ means to contribute the sperm that fertilises an egg which grows into a baby

It may be that these bald meanings have been expanded and transformed. Certainly, in this day and age we consider that there is a little more to fathering than contributing the sperm. However, the remnant of the patriarchal property laws that tell us a wife and children are but chattel to be distributed as per the man’s wishes, mean that when a woman is pregnant, the child she is carrying is invariably referred to as the child of the man whose sperm fertilised her egg.

Even celebrity mothers with their own fortunes and means to raise their children present a problem when it’s not clear which man was responsible for fathering her child. It’s the convention to state that “so and so is pregnant by X”, and that “the baby she is carrying is X’s”.

Imagine if ‘to mother’ meant mainly ‘to contribute the egg which is fertilised by the sperm which grows into a baby? It just doesn’t sound quite right, does it!

But no – fathers are problems in contemporary Australia. No one quite knows their purpose, or what they’re supposed to be doing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
People jump up and down about those fathers who evade their fiscal responsibilities and fail to pay child support to the mothers of their children.

Women complain that they have to mother their male partners just as much as their children.

Most of us are nowhere near sufficiently liberated to view housekeeping separately from child rearing. The lioness’ share of both falls firmly on the women’s shoulders.

We hear a lot about the plight of fathers who want to spend more time with their children, and about fathers whose rights to be fathers are curtailed because of the selfishness of the mothers who refuse them access to their children.

We hear a lot about the mothers who juggle multiple jobs and a myriad of roles in order to raise their children as well as having lives of their own.

There’s little doubt that mothers are keeping their end of the bargain. We are right to complain of the disparity between the fulfilment of our rights and responsibilities when compared with the fulfilment of the responsibilities and rights of the fathers of our children.

And so the bureaucrats have given us a new word to play with while we try to figure out what we should be doing about fathers: “to parent”.

Personally, I don’t find “parenting” particularly appealing or engaging, although I have become accustomed to using the word. It’s a whitewashed, bland piece of terminology that seeks to remove the blood sweat and tears that are part of the journey of raising a child.

“Parenting” is more of a mechanical process, than a human vocation. It has little to do with family, and dovetails perfectly with the discourse that seeks to control our fertility, and to cause us to procreate only within the strictures of what is declared to be normal in Australian society.

In the past 17 years I have availed myself of training in how to be a parent. In this sense, I use the discourse comfortably. However, when I think about my identity, I still see myself primarily as a mother, raher than as a parent.